What I Lie . . .

My thanks to Mistress_of_the_Dark for editing this story. It's much better as a result of her work. Any errors or infelicities that remain are my responsibility.

"Seema, you haven't heard a word I've said," the woman sitting across the coffee shop table from her complained.

"Oh, Helen, I'm sorry." Thinking quickly, Seema said "You were probably talking about politics, and you know how little they interest me."

"No, I don't think so. You've been quiet and withdrawn all morning. Something's going on with you – now share it," Helen said firmly. "I'm your best friend, and if you can't tell me . . ."

Seema paused in thought. She lifted her napkin to her lips to give herself more time to think about her answer. She listened to the rattle of dishes and the hum of all of the conversations that go on in a busy restaurant, and after a moment she said, "All right, but you have to promise to keep this to yourself. I've never told anybody about this, and if it got out it would just kill me." She looked at Helen intently.

Helen nodded. Seema waited, watching her face. After a pause Helen nodded again and said, "I understand. Not a word to anyone."

Tanking a deep breath, Seema said, "Thank you. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't my friend." She took another deep breath and paused when the waitress came by and refilled their coffee cups.

She began uncertainly, "Actually, I'm nervous. Jacob's been out of town this week, and we're going to play this weekend."

Helen looked uncertain. "Play? Why should that . . Oh, you mean? Seema, does he . . " She looked shocked. In a quiet, very serious tone she asked, "Does Jacob abuse you?"

Seema laughed. "Not any more than I want him to." She frowned. "I think I need to tell you the whole story. I'm the one who asked him to play this weekend, but I need to explain what it means when he and I play. It started about 6 years ago . . .

==========

Seema couldn't understand her unhappiness. She had married Jacob two years ago, right after they had both completed their doctorates – his in political science and hers in physics. They had both found tenured positions at a Midwestern land grant university, and life couldn't be going better.

No, it could. For whatever reason, and Seema suspected that the reason was in her, their once exciting love life had turned boring and unexciting. The spark was gone, and its loss was hurting both of them. They were starting to drift apart, and if the physical connection wasn't there, she didn't know if the rest of their relationship would survive.

Its loss would be unbearable. She had been so happy when they were first married. He was a thoughtful lover, a witty companion and it didn't hurt that he was fit and handsome. When they learned that they could not have children there had been a period when they had focused on their work, which had caused them to drift further apart.

Jacob didn't understand what she spent her time doing – his grasp of mathematics was restricted to the statistical work he needed to do for his political analysis, so she had no way to explain the concepts she worked with. In return, she found politics to be appalling – how could supposedly responsible people do and say the things that politicians did? So she had little interest in the things he found interesting.

It seemed they were doomed to drift apart, but Seema determined that she was not going to let it go without a fight. She started with an Internet search – "How to spice up a marriage." That led to 50 Shades that led to – well, she found herself getting excited reading about women being tied up, helpless, while men did interesting things to them.

"What's the matter with me?" she thought. "I don't want to be tied up; I don't want to be spanked or worse." Except she couldn't deny the

frisson

of sexual excitement she felt when she imagined those things being done to her.

Perhaps it was because she didn't have to decide – if someone else was forcing her, she couldn't be a bad girl. Or perhaps it was that she needed to escape from the pressures of her normal activities, where she was always in charge, always needing to decide things, always being responsible.

Whatever it was, this might be something that could bring them back together. Except they'd never talked about activities like bondage, spanking, whipping, blindfolds, gags. There had been a lot of "touch me there", "yes that's good", "harder" or "slower" or "lower." They had a pretty good idea of what felt good to each other. But perhaps not such a good idea on what was OK and what wasn't.

Well, it was time to start. Jacob, like many big men, was very gentle. He had a soft touch, and was concerned about her feelings and her pleasure. He had never given any sign that he wanted the kind of relationship the stories described. She didn't either, not in their day-to-day lives. Just in the bedroom.

She pondered the best way to broach the subject. Finally, she decided that the story that had most turned her on was the best way. She hit print, gathered up the pages and stapled them together.

When Jacob got home she told him that she needed a favor. Would he please read this?

He sat down and started to read, but very quickly looked up. His expression was confused. "Seema, what's this about? Why . . ."

She said, "I want to try this, if you'd be willing." Her heart was beating fast as she waited for his reaction.

He frowned and then turned back to the story. He didn't say anything until he had finished it. While he was a fast reader, it seemed to her that it took him forever. She was frightened. "Have I humiliated myself? Will he think I'm crazy or wicked or stupid? Will he still love me if he knows I want to do these things?"

He finally looked up at her, and she held her breath. "It looks like we need to go shopping," he said. She sighed in relief, the tension that had built up slipping away. "Sounds like fun. When do you want to go?"

"Right now would be good. And I know just the place. Let's go" he said.

They pulled into the parking lot of a nondescript strip mall. The sign painted on the wall said Adult Shoppe. He looked at her and said, "Come on, let's see what they have."

Despite its unprepossessing exterior, the store was bright and modern looking. A middle aged woman asked, "Can I help you?"

She licked her lips, but before she could say anything Jacob confidently said, "We'd like to look at some toys."

"Are you looking for anything in particular?" the clerk asked.

"Bondage stuff – cuffs and chains and handcuffs and such," Jacob replied.

"That's over here," the clerk said cheerfully as she headed off to the right.

Seema followed, her head swiveling to take in the gaudy, brightly packaged items, trying to figure out what they were. "Here we are," the clerk said, gesturing to a wall full of merchandise. "Let me know if you have any question," she said as she went back to the counter.

"Well, let's see what we have here," Jacob said as he started reaching for various items. "Hmm, these look useful," as he pulled some padded cuffs from the wall. Wandering further he found silk ropes, handcuffs, various lengths of chain and carabiners to clip things together.

In the meantime, Seema was looking around. She licked her lips nervously as she looked at the items she had found. Here were whips of various styles – she had no idea of their names. There were also paddles, canes and other implements.

She jumped as Jacob came up behind her and asked, "Find something you like?"

She swallowed and whispered, "I think so. There's so much." She closed her eyes and imagined the things on the wall being used on her. She rubbed her firm, round ass, imagining her own tender flesh turning red from blows from the items she was considering.

She shivered as the realization struck her that if she selected anything, this was for real. Reading about other women being bound and beaten was exciting, and it got her juices flowing. But now she was looking at the instruments of her own ordeal. When they hit, they were going to hurt. Could she go through with this?

Her imagination showed her a picture of herself, her curly blond hair plastered to her head with sweat, her arms stretched in front of her by ropes that kept her from moving. Her naked butt was sticking up, inviting a blow. When the blow came she knew it would hurt, but she also knew that it would be exciting.

She opened her eyes and reached for a paddle. It looked like a ping pong paddle, but it was smooth, polished wood with no rubber coating. She also grabbed a formidable looking riding crop.

She looked around and saw the clerk standing next to them. She pointed to a wicked looking strap and asked, "What do you think of that?"

The clerk frowned in thought, looking at her, not the strap. She said, "You're new to this, aren't you?" Seema flushed and nodded.

The clerk said, "I think what you've chosen looks like a good place to start. You may decide you want something like the strap later, but for now, stick with what you have."

Jacob said, "OK, then. It looks like we're ready," and added Seema's selections to his.

When they returned to the car, Seema said, "Jacob, I'm scared."

He reached out and touched her. "What's the matter?"

"I'm worried about us. If we do this." He looked confused, and she continued, "I'm worried that our relationship won't survive. After you've tied me up and beaten me and fucked me, what are you going to think of me?"

She shook her head, sending the tears that were forming flying. "I mean, will you still think of me as your partner, your equal? Or will I start to become a thing to you, one you can use however you want?" She closed her eyes. "Did I make a mistake in suggesting this?"

Jacob shook his head. "Seema, I'll always love you. What we do for fun isn't going to change the way I see you. Except maybe to increase my admiration for you for having the courage to explore a side of you that you I hadn't seen before." He smiled. "I don't think it matters what I say. We'll have to try it to see what happens."

She smiled back, tremulously. She was still worried, but he seemed to have a healthy attitude toward what she was suggesting. "Sure, we can always stop if we don't like the way things work out."

They brought their purchases into the house and deposited them on the dining room table.

"What now?" Seema asked. She felt unsettled, as if her whole life was changing and the change had gotten out of hand.

Jacob said, "We wait." Seema looked puzzled. He continued, "It's Tuesday, we both have class tomorrow. Today isn't a good day to try something this out of the ordinary. "We'll wait until the weekend. We'll have plenty of time then." Seema nodded, and he continued, "Besides, anticipation makes things even more special."

As the one destined to be on the receiving end of things, Seema wasn't sure that she agreed. She wanted to get it over now. While she had put up a confident front for Jacob, she wasn't at all sure that she was going to enjoy the experience. Her imagination had painted a picture, but the reality could easily be different. There might be only pain and no excitement. Or Jacob's reaction might be different from his assurance. Or there were lots of other possibilities. The delay was only going to give her time to worry.

But it appeared that she was going to have to wait. She had chosen to put Jacob in charge, and he was more than happy to take responsibility.

She realized that this wasn't going to be something that just happened once, either, and she mentally gulped. Just what was she getting herself into? Well, whatever the future held, nothing was going to happen to her until the weekend, so she told herself to relax.

She never did. The whole week she couldn't stop thinking about what she had done to herself. On Wednesday she had trouble focusing during her lecture in class, losing her place in her notes several times.

That night, she woke up perspiring and with her heart thudding. She had dreamt that their play session had started and she was naked and tied down. Behind her were sounds, but she couldn't move her head to see who was there. She knew she was going to be raped or worse, and she was helpless to do anything about it.

She rolled over to look at Jacob who was sound asleep. She realized that, in addition to being frightened, she was excited. She felt very wet and could smell her arousal.

Looking more closely, it appeared that he had an erection. She smiled to herself and pulled off her nightgown and then burrowed under the blankets. Jacob slept in the nude, and yes, he was hard as a rock.

She leaned over him and took his cock in her mouth. She licked her way up and down his shaft, bobbing her head as she went. She could feel Jacob stir, but she kept going.

Sleepily he said, "Uhhhh, that feels good."

Removing her mouth, but not letting go of his cock with her hand, she turned to face him and lifted her leg across him, drawing the covers up. He complained, "Oh that's cold." But he went silent when she found her pussy with his cock. She rubbed the tip up and down against her slit to lubricate it. Her pussy was so wet that there was almost no resistance as she lowered herself, taking him completely inside her.

"You know, this is a lot more fun if both of us participate," Seema said as she flexed her legs, moving up and down, moaning as the movement inside her drew her entire attention.

She leaned forward to give him easier access to her breasts. Jacob took the hint and reached his hands up to her left breast, caressing it and then taking it into his mouth where he sucked, nibbled and gently bit her nipple. Seema felt what his mouth was doing as if it directly connected her breast to her clit, and she moaned.

Jacob began to get into the spirit of things, moving his hips up and down to try to get deeper inside her. He grunted with each movement. Without the need for words they began to move faster, as each approached climax. Seema reached it first, throwing her head back and letting out a loud scream, "Oh, yes, yes, yes, oh that's good, oh, oh, oh."

She felt her pussy clench around his warm, lovely cock as her orgasm took her mind away, leaving only sensation. Her orgasm sent Jacob over the edge, and he spurted inside her, grunting, "Uhh, unhh, oh that's . . . Oh," as he let his hips down from where they had been pushing into her.

She collapsed forward onto him as his cock began to slip out of her. "Umm, what a mess you make," she smiled at him.

He smiled back, "But you started it. Tell me what brought this on – not that I'm complaining, mind you. What happened that got you all hot and bothered?"

She rolled off him, and the euphoria she had just experienced washed away, as uncertainty roiled over her. He continued, "Tell me about it."

Uncertainly, with lots of pauses and blushes (she was very glad it was dark) she told him about her dream. "It woke me up because I was afraid, and, I guess, excited," she concluded.

"Hmm, I guess this weekend is preying on your mind. Good." With that, he rolled over and went back to sleep.

Seema took a lot longer to fall asleep, tossing unhappily for almost an hour before sleep reclaimed her.

Thursday was more of the same – things she had been competent to do on Monday became hard, requiring a focus she seemed to have no ability to attain. She stumbled through the day, and that evening it got worse.

Jacob told her, "No more midnight ecstasy – if you wake up horny, don't wake me up – you're just going to have to live with it." There was worse to come, "And no masturbating. I want you fresh and eager this weekend."

She groaned. How would she survive with no relief?

Of course, there was no realistic way that Jacob could stop her from pleasuring herself if she snuck off to do it. But she had turned the process over to him, and it wasn't going to be the way he envisioned it unless she went into it honestly. She sighed and acquiesced.

She had no idea how she got through Friday – everything was a blur. She almost got into an accident on the way home because her mind wasn't on her driving. The adrenaline rush brought her back to reality – or at least close enough to get her home safely.

Jacob wasn't there. Now what, she wondered. He usually beat her home because he scheduled most of his work in the morning – he said he was most alert then. Her schedule tended toward late mornings and afternoons, since she seldom got going very well in the mornings – she needed some time to recover her humanity.

She went up to their room and changed into jeans and a sweatshirt and went down to the kitchen to get something to drink. She thought about a glass of wine, but concluded that would be a bad idea, so she settled on ice water.

Uncertain of what to do next – "When DOES the weekend start?" she wondered – she settled down in the study to correct some papers. Surprisingly, she was able to focus and became absorbed in the process. She was startled when Jacob came in.

"So, does the weekend start on Friday night?" she asked.

He smiled and shook his head. "No, you'll have to wait – perhaps tomorrow, perhaps Sunday. We'll see."

"How do you see this evening going, then?" she asked.

Jacob said, "I'd like to take you out to dinner – a romantic place where we can talk quietly." Seema's eyes widened. "Get changed into something that won't make me ashamed of you when we go dancing afterward." He looked at the clock on the wall behind her and added, "Get going – you have 45 minutes."

With a yelp she jumped out of her chair. Having jumped too quickly, she smacked her knee on the desk eliciting another yelp. She ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, shedding her clothes as she went.

After showering and primping she spent a few breathless minutes in considering her wardrobe. She had always thought her butt was her best feature, but Jacob argued that her breasts were. She decided she'd go with his opinion and wear something that showed some cleavage.

She selected a slinky silk blend dress in red with her green jade necklace. It set off her fair skin and showed her assets to best advantage.

When she presented herself downstairs, Jacob was ready to go. She saw that he had changed he had changed into black jeans with a tight t-shirt and a sports jacket. She wondered to herself how guys could get ready to go without seeming to spend any time or effort doing it, but concluded it was just one of the wonders of the universe and not for her to know.

Jacob drove them down town, and turned the car over to a valet to park. She realrized they were going to Villa Terra Nova, one of the nicest places in town. Thinking about the expense, she started to say something. He saw the look on her face and said, "Don't worry, I've got it covered. It'll be worth it."

After the waiter had left with their drink orders, Jacob said, "I know you've been in a dither all week thinking about our play session. I want to be sure that this is what you want. It's going to hurt. There's no reason to put yourself through it unless you really will get pleasure from it."

He stopped for a minute, looking in her eyes. "You know that I love you. I don't want to hurt you – just the opposite. I want good things for you."

Seema hesitated, the sense that this was a turning point, and things would never be the same again overwhelmed her.

"Jacob," she said after a minute, "I know you do."

She was silent for a minute and then drew a deep breath and continued, "This is something I want to do. I'm afraid of the pain, I don't want the pain. What I want is to give myself up, to be controlled so that whatever happens isn't up to me. I want to be freed from responsibility for my desires, my sexuality, and just accept what happens."