Shawna's phone buzzed away in her purse, but she didn't look. She cried on her couch instead until her eyes dried out and her head hurt.
You couldn't see that coming? She asked herself. How desperate are you? You just bow down to the first guy that gives you an order and then act all surprised when he turns out to be married and his wife finds out. Real nice job, Shawny.
Chester looked up at her from his spot on her lap. He was entirely indifferent to her suffering, but wondered why she stopped petting him. He mewed at her.
"Sorry, buddy," she said. "What was I thinking?" She began to stroke Chester's warm, soft back.
Chester had no idea what she was thinking, nor did he care. He put his head down, purred loudly, and closed his eyes.
Over and over, the email she'd been slapped in the face with that afternoon slammed back into her mind's eye. It was relentless. It tormented her.
And she deserved it.
You sure know how to pick 'em, she thought. Stupid stupid girl!
When she could take no more self abuse, she moved an indignant Chester off her lap, and went to bed. She found a few more tears to put on her pillow before drifting off to a restless sleep.
Tuesday found her quite unable to get out of bed. She woke up around 5:30 am and decided there was no way she was going in to work. Tomorrow didn't seem like a good idea either. She laid in her warm bed and tried to go back to sleep.
It didn't work. She couldn't just not get up and not go to work. Her boss would ask questions and surely try to call her. Was she going to tell him that she had foolishly slept with an abusive married man from the office and now she couldn't look at herself in the mirror? That was a conversation to avoid at any cost.
After an hour of trying to find a way around it, she finally dragged herself out of bed. Chester greeted her as he always did; his hunger causing that temporary affection she actually quite enjoyed.
She staggered over to her purse and found her phone. There were 31 messages and 6 missed calls. She ignored them all.
She quickly composed a sad message about the unfortunate and untimely demise of her dear grandmother and her need for bereavement leave and sent it to her boss. She was certain he would understand.
She dumped some food in Chester's dish and fell back into bed.
Fuck Tuesday, she thought and fell back to sleep.
She dreamed of Darren. His strong grip on her throat, his hand in her hair, his magic fingers and his complete control of her mind and body. She swam in it, soaking in it like a warm bath.
For a moment upon waking, her life was beautiful again. Then she took her punch in the face and stared blankly at reality. It was 10:45 am on Tuesday, the day after her new and beautiful life had been shattered.
Hooray.
How beautiful was it? Really? You were going to just lay down and serve that man? Who does that? That's not a thing. That's some weird mind control thing he did to you and you couldn't figure it out. There's nothing great about that.
Somewhere way at the back of her mind, a tiny voice — barely perceptible amongst the heart break and sadness — said I have never been happier in my life than I was in his grasp.
I'm done with that bullshit, she thought. There's no way in hell I'm ever falling for that crap again. It was exhilarating, but it was wrong, and it wasn't me. I'm done. Experiment over!
Shawna busied herself for the rest of the day by rearranging her furniture and cleaning every nook and cranny in the place. By the time she was done, she had created some much needed distance from yesterday's events, and she was happy with the results of her work. The place needed a good shake up.
She went to bed physically and emotionally drained. Her sleep was deep and dreamless.
Wednesday morning Shawna finally looked at her phone after it buzzed her awake around 7 am.
It was Tracey, thank god.
"Hello?" Shawna said through thick lips and the last webs of sleep.
"Oh my god," Tracey burst at her. "Are you ok? I heard about your gramma. That's terrible. I'm sorry for your loss."
Shawna struggled to get a grip on what was happening. Her gramma? What happenes to her gramma? What was Tracey — oh, right.
"Thank you, Tracey," Shawna said. "I miss her already."
"Were you guys close?"
"Yeah, we were," Shawna lied. She liked her grandmother and everything, and she would be sad if she had passed away, but Shawna really only saw her at Christmas, weddings and funerals. She made a mental note to see her grandmother more often.
"You're forty something right? She must have been pretty old," Tracey said. "At least she had a long life, right?"
"She did, yes," Shawna replied. "She was a sweet old lady."
"If you need anything, call me," Tracey said. "I mean it. I know people say that stuff all the time, but if you don't call me, I'll be pissed."
"Ok, I will," Shawna said smiling. Hostile compassion was still a sweet gesture.
"Now get to work before you get in trouble."
"Alright," Tracey said. "Hey, how's it going with Darren? Is he comforting you?"
Shawna's stomach turned to ice. "I've been pretty busy with funeral arrangements, so I haven't talked to him."
"Oh, ok," Tracey replied. "I'll let him know you're ok. He seems upset lately. Probably misses you around here as much as I do."
"Maybe," Shawna said holding in a slew of competing emotions. "I have to get going, Trace, and so do you. I'll call you if I need anything."
"Promise?"
"Promise," Shawna said. "Now get off the phone and get some work done."
"Ok, fine. I'll check in on you later," she said. "Bye."
"Bye."
Awake and simultaneously comforted and destroyed by Tracey's call, Shawna got up and made her way to the kitchen. She made herself a coffee and prepared for another good cry on the couch.
The tears didn't come though.
It was one date, Shawny. Just one. Get off your ass and quit your crying. It's not the end of the friggin world here. You slept with a guy you didn't know was married. It happens all the time. Men are pigs and they lie to get girls. Don't sweat it.
Now get up, have a shower already and take these pyjamas off and burn them. They've been abused the last couple days.
The little voice way at the back of her mind said no man has ever done what Darren did. He showed me something about myself I didn't know existed.
