We all love toys. Men love toys, women love toys, children love toys... we all love toys. As we women get older our toys seem to be bedside drawer, or under the pillow based but as the male of the species progresses their toys get bigger and bigger and they cost more and more and yet more and certainly won't fit into a bedside drawer or under a pillow. With my husband it started with steam. No, not a kettle chugging away in the corner but a full blown miniature steam engine that, when running, would power polishing discs and grinding wheels, hammers that went up and down and, joy of joys (yawn), a whistle.
To be fair, at various parties if he fired it up and got everything running like clockwork a small crowd would gather round the table, their mouths wide open and dribbling with jealousy. But they were exclusively the men in the house. We women were talking about our children, whether we wanted to move, where we were going on holiday - nothing as important as the chaps whose utterances would be along the lines of 'we used to have one of those' and 'my dad had one'. You get the idea.
Of course as time marched on and dust gathered all over the Mammod and it eventually made its way into the attic it was replaced by a classic car. An MGB Roadster. British racing green, brown leather interior, coffee coloured mohair hood and, of course, wire wheels. Then there was the garage to house it. Things had already got slightly out of hand until one day and, totally out of the ether came the breakfast table statement "I'm thinking of buying a tractor."
We have a few acres surrounding our house and for thirty years we'd managed perfectly well with a little 42 inch cut Wheel Horse ride-on mower.
I did my best but before three sunrises had passed I found myself being bundled into the car and driven twenty or so miles to a place in the country where there were rows of 'compact' tractors. None new but all very nice and practical. And there standing in front of a wooden stable block stood Harry.
Ah, Harry. Six feet three inches tall. Typical Englishman with his immaculate overalls, peaked cap and a slightly rough edge to his aristocratic bearing. As though fiddling with the tools of the 'trade' had rubbed off on him and he was now operating at a more 'human' level. Lucky (rich) people have houses on top of a hill, facing south with beautiful views over uninterrupted fields with the occasional cow grazing leisurely in the dappled sunlight. Harry's house stood nearby in just such a position. He was one of life's fortunate ones.
My husband took the tractor he was interested in buying off around the paddock, testing all the gears, the hydraulics and so on. In all it took no more than ten minutes but even as he was driving off Harry stared at my short (ish) skirted legs. I went beetroot but he chirped up.
"I like women in short skirts..." he paused, then added "especially when they've got the legs to carry it off." I wasn't wearing a mini-skirt but it was short enough to demand care when bending over.
"Right." was about all I could manage.
"You carry it off well."
"Thank you."
"No, thank you, for brightening my day, giving me something even better than the countryside to feast on."
"Gosh."
"You see I think women that wear short skirts are making a statement."
"What sort of statement?"
"Now that, my darling, would be telling - and I'm not sure I know you well enough to do that" another pause then added "yet."
I think I must have gulped or made some sort of noise. "Hope I'm not offending you."
"No. No, not at all." He wasn't offending me in the slightest but I was suddenly looking at him in a completely new light.
Long story short: they haggled, they bargained, they talked money, delivery, dates, times and so on, then they shook hands and the deal was done.
Two days later and, without my prior knowledge, Harry and tractor arrived. My husband drove it around the property, checking everything was as expected. Harry piped up once more, this time in a more darkly, deep voiced, mysterious way..
"Shame." It was just one word but I knew what it was about..
"I didn't know you were delivering it today, otherwise..." My voice trailed off as I realised where I was heading but it didn't matter because he finished my sentence.
"...You would have worn a short skirt and not jeans." I was slightly taken aback and my voice almost failed.
"Yes." My husband slowed the tractor up as he came towards us. I was staring up into Harry's eyes and my husband's enigmatic smile gave his thoughts away 'I know what's going on'. At that stage though, I'm not sure I did.
Two days later with my husband at meetings in London I got a text message from him:
Darling
Harry forgot to bring the service history, instruction manual and other bits of paper for the tractor, plus the standard toolkit that should have come with it.
Would you mind collecting them when you're next up that way? Better phone first as he's often out collecting or delivering bits and pieces. His number is 01234 567890.
I know there's your favourite Masseur up there so maybe you could combine the trip with some stress relief.
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