You and I finally get away for that weekend camping trip. We drive up into the mountains and find an inviting little spot in a clearing near a creek. I suggest that we unload the car and pitch our tent right away, but you'd rather go for a nature walk. I explain that we need to set up camp while there's still enough sunlight. As you begin to protest I casually ask how long it's been since you've had your pants pulled down for an attitude adjustment. Suddenly the whining stops and within minutes we've got all our gear unloaded.
At first, you're quite helpful in putting up the tent, but you soon become bored and frustrated. "I'm tired of this!" you announce, tossing a tent pole to the ground as you storm off into the woods.
You return from your hike half an hour later to find that I've managed to finish erecting the tent on my own. You take in the pleasant aroma of something I'm busy cooking in a pot over the fire.
"Oh. Looks like you've got dinner going."
"Yeah. Beef stew." I say, turning around with a large, flat wooden spoon in my hand. I wipe the spoon clean with a cloth and start walking in your direction. "But if you want any, I imagine you'll have to eat it standing up." Taking your wrist firmly in my hand, I escort you to the picnic table where I sit, haul you across my lap and without ceremony begin bringing the spoon down hard across the seat of your jeans. Dust flies from the denim. I lift the broad stirring instrument and give your bottom another good whack as I scold you.
"Typical!" I say, smacking your ass again. "I pitch the tent while you pitch a fit!" I continue paddling you with the spoon until you're kicking, crying and promising to do your share. Eventually, I stand you up and march you into the tent. You start to say something on the way, but a swift swat with the spoon to your stinging fanny renders you speechless. "I should make you set the table." I say, placing you in a corner. "But I'll take care of that while you stand here and think about your behavior."
You stay in place with your arms crossed, pouting angrily. After a while, you lower your jeans and start to caress your throbbing cheeks. Just as you begin thinking your punishment time must nearly be over and your mouth starts to water for some of that stew, you hear a vehicle pull up near our campsite.
"Hi there!" a man's voice calls out.
As I engage the man in conversation, you soon realize that it's a park ranger checking to see that we're all right. You can't make out exactly what we're saying, but you hear the other man begin to laugh boisterously. You hike your pants up and stick your head out the front of the tent to see the ranger stepping back into his truck.
"Well, I hope you two have a good time anyway. he says. "Oh, and be sure to douse that fire before you bed down." You walk out just as he starts the engine. The ranger smiles and waves upon seeing you. "You behave yourself now!" he shouts in your direction as he drives away.
"Hungry?" I ask.