I tied up her body (but not her heart).
The great thing about a local bar is everyone has already seen you at your most humiliatingly drunk moments. It almost becomes an obligation not to let them down. My "pick up line" is to get drunk at the bar and make wise cracks the entire night. So many people are shy or quiet, even at 1 am at a bar, so my goal is to get them a little fired up. I've taken it too far of course, getting into fights, hitting on guy's girlfriends, offending the bartender (even after tipping her good every night so you know I really must've messed up). Not every night, but sometimes, a woman will eye me up and want to know more about the boisterous loudmouth in the corner.
On this one particular night, there were two girls sitting close to me and they were talking amongst themselves, so I butted in. I kept asking them loud questions, loud enough so the entire bar would hear and then turn to hear their answer. I was getting drunk and I was probably being too aggressive, as the one girl turned and with a venomous look said "we are having a private conversation!"
They left and the bartender gave me a dirty look for chasing away customers. No free shots of whiskey for me tonight. That's when an unassuming looking dark haired girl about mid 30's sat down next to me. Her face was a little pale and I could tell she wasn't wearing much make up. She just kind of looked homely, not bad but most girls will glam up more even if just going to a local dive bar. I said hi to her and she responded attentively.
"What's your name," I told her mine, "what do you do," I tell her I do cell phone repair, it's not even true but I don't like telling women my real profession. I do tell her I'm a bit of an artist, of erotic literature. She says that sounds interesting. I'm still pissed off the other girls rejected me, and this girl was maybe a 6 or 7 out of ten, so I start going off on women in general.
"Dating apps suck," I say, knowing that the local dive bar is probably worse. "Why do women care about attractive guys, that doesn't mean they are good guys, it just means they'll cheat on you."
"I think you're attractive," she said. A nice deflection and grabbing my attention.
"Okay," I said, but I really wasn't that interested and I was getting sloppy drunk. I tried to think of something witty to say to her.
"If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be?" I asked.
"Oh I don't know, Lady Gaga," she said.
I spit out my drink. "So you are a lesbian?"
"No, bisexual."
"Well okay," I said.
She asked, "do you like coming to this bar"
I took too long coming up with something witty, but eventually managed to say "I come here to find diamonds."
"What diamonds?"
"Diamonds in the rough, like you."
"Okay," she said. I wasn't sure how she handled that compliment. I was pretty drunk. I set my beer down and tried to clear my head for a bit. I figured she was interested in me so regardless of how she looked I should close the deal.
"So you can come home with me tonight," I said, and to soften the blow I threw out a corny joke, "So long as you are okay staying in the kitchen."
I was too focused on my own stupid comment to see her reaction. I was off my game.
"So why do you hate dating apps so much?" she asked.
Ugh, I really didn't want to talk about this, but I couldn't help myself. I was feeling cynical because of those two stupid women at the bar. "Let me prove my point. Do you think honesty is a good quality for a man?"
She thought for just a second and then said, "Yes."
"Okay, so let's say a man came up to you right now and said "wow you are hot, I would love to have sex with you," what would you say?
She didn't say anything.
"He's being honest, at least."
"I'd probably say, thanks," she said.
I didn't like that answer, I figured she was lying. "Most women would be offended, yet he is being perfectly honest."
"Well where's the romance?" She asked with a smile.
"Romance is an illusion, a lie!" I nearly shouted, but by this time everyone at the bar was being drunk and loud so we were having a private chat.
"Fair enough. I can accept that," she said, a concession! "Well what kind of women are you actually interested in, besides barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," she asked.
I figured I should go big or go home, swing for the fences, I was still feeling in a jerk mood. "I just want a woman to do whatever I say."
"Oh, it's that easy. Well yes, Sir!"
I laughed at my own joke like a fool, and so didn't quite get the full impact of what she had just said. But I was feeling more comfortable with her, so I asked her a question I always ask women, a way to get into their psyche and get a glimpse of what kind of person they are,
