"Pleasure is very seldom found where it is sought; our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks." -- Samuel Johnson, 1759,
The Idler
I had been working at the Wooden Pony Club for just over four months, including a dozen or so after-midnight shifts, and it was arguably the best job I'd ever had. I began to enjoy prancing around the tables in my lingerie and every so often topless. I even learned a few moves for my nude dancing sessions. I was inspired to begin aerobic exercises to tone my muscles. I even took the advice of one of the girls to shave my pubic hair. "Your fans prefer it, and that increases the tips," she explained. (Fans... I actually had fans.)
Yet fandom has its price, the loss of anonymity. For the club was frequented by university people, mainly staff members (because the prices were too steep for most students). I recognized a few, and they recognized me, saw me serving topless and dancing naked. But it was never an problem. We would just exchange a nod and a smile, and no one ever brought up it on the outside. In any case, admission to membership was selective, in the sense that the sort of people allowed in were broad-minded and close-lipped. Plus, I was proud of my body, which I'd always kept trim. I didn't mind showing it off.
At this same time, however, I found my relationship with Matthew to be inexplicably cooling. Looking for someone to blame, I chose myself. Between my postgraduate research, my teaching duties and the hours I spent working at the club, there was not much time left over for focusing the attention on him that he felt he deserved.
So when I told Desirée that I was thinking about cutting back on my roster, she said "Why not work just the midnight shift? Less hours, bigger take."
It made sense; but I could tell from her tone of voice that there was more to it.
"Some of the girls," she continued, "do especially well with the tips. They build up quite a personal following."
It took a few more seconds to get the message. I thought about Marilyn and Beth, and a couple of the others. I must have frowned.
"No pressure," she said. "Give it some thought, and take whatever time you need." Then she added "It's not just about the money. I think you will find it..." She paused. "...enlightening."
In fact, it didn't take me long to make up my mind. Yet even now I do not really know what enticed me to make the choice when I did. I was intrigued by what I had seen on those late nights; and a voice somewhere deep within me was telling me that, as with the ride on the sybian, I should be more than a mere spectator.
About a third of the Friday and Saturday night players were virgins, as first-timers were called, while the regulars tended to be very regular, as in every weekend. And as someone who had always been almost masochistically willing to test her own limits, I admired and envied them all. This was the ultimate trial of courage and endurance... and of something else, something I could not quite put my finger on. So I was curious to know what it was like, to experience for myself what these girls put themselves through, or consented to have done to them, and to understand what motivated them and excited me. Perhaps it was the happy-go-lucky fearlessness of my youth (when I was an unreconstructed tomboy and adventure junkie) reasserting itself. Maybe it was because I had spent so much of my life absorbed in my family, my studies, my boyfriend, that I felt it was time to do something new, daring and dramatic, to put the focus on myself, to break the chains which bound me to an existence I had found increasingly to be less than fulfilling.
For days before my show I was distracted, fidgety and even bitchy. My friends and colleagues started to avoid me. Only Matthew and Richard knew the reason. Both were supportive of my decision, but it did not escape my notice that it was Richard who was gallant enough to tell me, several times, "You don't have to do this." Perhaps it was just that he was feeling more responsible, since it was he who had brought me to the club, had introduced me to Desirée and helped get me the job which led to this. Matthew, on the other hand, seemed too helpful, too accommodating, more excited than sympathetic or apprehensive. That bothered me.
I worked the tables for a couple of hours that evening. Mine was to be the second performance. Too jumpy to be out front watching the first, I helped in the kitchen, while Matthew sat in the audience. When the opening act ended and the young woman came shuffling off the platform, I went to the backstage room, close to losing my nerve. There were a couple of dancing interludes, one featuring Desirée in a particularly strenuous routine. When she came off, her naked body glistening with sweat, she attempted to soothe me with a few comforting words. She promised I could terminate the event at any time with a safe signal, and gave me a loose-fitting ring to wear on my right index finger. I worried about the crowd's response to my stopping the show (since I had never seen this happen), and she was characteristically blunt.