It's easy, some of it, I welcome it, revel in it, yearn for the feel of your hand on my bare ass, the brush of the crop against my cheeks, the tightening of the cuffs around my wrists or the ball of the gag as you silence my whimpers. Most of all I long for those moments when you take my collar, and place it around my neck, when you buckle it and look at me with the glint of ownership in your gaze, as you kiss me on the head and let me know who I belong to.
And yet sometimes a part of me rebels, chafes against the submission you demand, the servitude. You know this, I can tell, you see it in those instances when I raise my gaze to meet with your own, my jaw setting slightly, the tension evident in my naked frame. And you are patient, watching me, waiting, the merest quirk of an eyebrow questioning my actions till I comply, knowing that if I don't it might wear on your patience, might see one of those moments when I'm punished for my disobedience.
It's a difficult life of contrast, finding the balance, seeking the pleasure that accompanies the pain. But it's these moments, like the one right now that stir at my insides, make me long to hide, to sit on my haunches and refuse to move.
You started out slowly, I love you for that, you gave me time to adjust, it wasn't that hard at first, I am used to my collar, used to wearing it out in public. The leash was something new though, at home when you wanted to take me somewhere you usually did that with a fistful of my hair to guide me. I was surprised the first time you clipped it to my collar; you led me around the house, naked, as I always must be at home, and then you took me out to the garden. It was daytime, but the fence blocked out most sight, at least that is what I told myself as you took me around, walked me through there.
I was more surprised though when you attached the collar when we went out. Not in the malls, or the carparks, but on our walk along the beach, fully clothed, walking beside you, the leash dangling between us. I was tense on that walk, not knowing what to expect, but it wasn't so bad. The next time though... there was a moment where I hesitated, there in the park in the early evening, walking on my hands and knees through the grass as you led me. You slowed your pace so I could keep up, and my clothes remained, though I never thought you'd have me naked in public.
I guess I learn something new about you all the time.
And so here we are today, pulling up to the beach once more, and you're smiling at me, leaning over, kissing me on the head in that way I love, the way that makes me feel cared for, wanted, adored. And then you pull back, and tell me what you want and my smile leaves my face, my feeling of security fades as I slowly move to comply. Removing each piece of clothing, stripping down to bare skin and then carefully opening the door, stepping out of the car to stand on the asphalt of the carpark.
It's late in the afternoon, the sun is hovering low on the horizon, about to dip down beneath the ocean and fade from view. I'm thankful for this, and thankful still for this secluded spot you've chosen. Aware that even though you're pushing my limits, you still take notice of my sensitivity, ensuring some notion of safety within me.
You move around the car, holding my collar in both hands you approach me, waiting for me to lift my chin before fastening it in place. As before you clip on the leash leaving it dangling loose between us and letting me walk upright down to the sand. The sand is still warm, the heat of the sun not yet faded from the grains, though as you lead me further down I feel it cooling, licked by the occasional spray of water from the grey-blue expanse of water before us. You pause at the edge of the shore, turning to face me, your fingers cupping my chin as you place a gentle kiss on my lips.
In that moment you release my chin and I see the change in your stance, the smile fade from your features and the firm tone of commandment enter your voice. "On your knees, bitch" is all you say, yet it sends me scrambling, falling to the wet sand below, hands automatically taking stance before me. And there I am, for the first time, in this new position you are grooming me for. Leashed, collared, naked on hands and knees, no longer just your pet, love, slave, but your bitch. And right now that is all I am.