**The Waiting**
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
The passing of each second is marked with a loud tick as I watch the clock edge closer and closer to the closing hour. My mama always said you'll die waitin' for the water to boil if you spend all your time watching it. I understand her better now.
Time has slowed to an excruciating crawl that makes my skin prickle in anticipation. 8:57 blinks at me from the register as I run the dust cloth over the pristine countertop for the fifteenth time. Three more minutes.
Three more goddamn minutes.
I reach across to straighten our rack of gum and candy, straightening each pack so it fits perfectly in the slot. I like the lines to be clean and neat. Orderly. Tidy.
Glancing up at the clock, I try to stare it down, willing it to move faster but the steady tick of each second defies me, marching on without a care to anyone who wants to be free from their retail prison.
One minute.
Glee fills me and I practically dance over to the big glass doors and flip the sign from Open to Closed. With the giant ring of keys I am forced to carry around for eight hours a day, I turn the lock closed and give the door a rattle for good measure.
Slamming my hand down on the lightswitch, I watch with satisfaction as the store is plunged into darkness just as the clock finally hits the magic number.
Nine o'clock.
Turning my phone on, I stare down at the little green chat bubble that has been taunting me all day.
My fingers hover over the touchpad as I contemplate how to answer it.
I can't appear too eager. That doesn't set the right tone. I can't be too casual either. I have to have balance. I crave balance. Without balance, I can't function.
Biting my lip, I shove the phone back in my back pocket without answering. I need to finish closing. I've ignored this little green chat bubble all day. Another few minutes won't hurt it. The chat bubble is nothing.
Nothing but pure, unadulterated trouble.
I quickly count the cash and bundle it, shoving the whole envelope into the slot in the safe.
If I were to screenshot it and send it to any of my friends, my roommate, or even my ex, they would all tell me the same thing: trouble. They would remind me of the last time I answered that text and how I ended up fired and needing a ride home from Vegas. I can almost hear their voices in my head, shouting at me, pleading with me to see reason. They mean well.
But they don't understand the pull. As much as I hang my head in shame and nod, agreeing with their assessment of my piss-poor excuse for life management skills, I get a secret thrill from the memories.
They don't understand. How can they? They just see the aftermath. They don't see the flight. The ecstasy. The trust.
I walk out to my car and slide in, sliding my bare legs over the worn leather seats with a barely contained moan of pleasure. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I sigh and send off a quick response to that annoying bubble.
The chat bubble lights up and the response is almost immediate.
An address and an ID # greets me. Plugging the address into my map app, I sigh and turn the radio up.
Eighteen minutes until trouble.
I can't wait.
My app takes me through the inner city and out towards the industrial part of the city. Train yards, receiving docks, and dimly lit warehouses surround me as I follow the directions. Glancing at the dismal surroundings, I feel a little buzz of anticipation again.
I crave this kind of trouble deep in my soul. I can't resist it. For ten long years I've flirted with this trouble, I've let it caress my skin, submitted to it, and every now and again, I've overpowered it and came out on top.
My friends don't understand. My family never will. Most of my exes only saw it as a perk of dating me. A story-in-the-making to tell friends at a bar long after the relationship has ended.
My relationship with trouble is unique... but I have no regrets.
Pulling into the parking lot, I slide into the parking spot with the pink kitten sticker. I reach behind me and pull the tattered blue duffle bag to the front seat. Deftly undoing my nametag, I throw it in the console and take off the blue work polo my boss forces me to wear. Glancing down, I grimace at my plain white sports bra. I had known trouble would be calling tonight, I would have worn something a little more provocative. Oh well.
I unbutton the stiff khaki shorts with the obnoxious fake pockets and wiggle out of them. The sharp pain of my hip colliding with the emergency hand brake makes me swear profusely. My underwear isn't the fanciest, but it'll do. That's the great thing about boyshorts. If you have enough confidence, or perhaps if you, like me, just don't give a flying fuck -- they become actual shorts. Digging through my bag, I pull out my trusty red boots and zip my tired feet into them. My hair is quickly freed from the conservative French braids I wear at work and let loose in all its curly, chaotic glory.
I am almost ready and that familiar ache in my core begins to rise. The dress shirt is next. It's wrinkled and way too big for me. Wearing it tonight is a bold move. I sometimes take souvenirs from my adventures, but rarely do I flaunt them. The lipstick stain on the collar brings back memories from last time and a gleeful giggle escapes me. Oh yes, this is what I want.
Quickly, I fasten two of the buttons and smooth the wrinkles as best I can. Opening the car door, I slide out, lamenting the loss of the leather against my skin for one brief moment. The cool night air blows the open flaps of the shirt and my nipples harden from the cold. Running a hand through my unruly hair, I cock my hip out and swing my trusty blue bag over my shoulders.
Time to go find some trouble.
There's a small line in the entryway and clusters of people are huddled together, moving slowly forward as each group is checked in and made aware of the rules. The energy is full of sexual tension, anticipation, and nerves. Newbies. I inhale deeply and feel the stress of the day, the week, hell, the last month, dissipate.
I've needed this for so damn long.
"Did you know they have The Boxes here?" a giggly whisper behind me interrupts my silent meditation and I perk my ears up to listen.
"That's just where the biggest freaks play. I hear they are all professionals anyway. It's not real. No one would actually agree to that." another voice answers, her tone dripping in scorn.
A part of me wants to turn around and set them straight but tonight isn't about them or their thoughts about anything. Tonight is about me and getting what I need. As we move up through the line, the two behind me continue to discuss The Boxes, trading theories -- each more fantastical than the first. By the time we get to the counter, Giggles has decided that the submissive women are identified in the crowd and convinced to come play in The Boxes and Grumpy, her friend, has decided that The Boxes are merely a ploy to trick people into going past their limits for the amusement of sadistic assholes.
The urge to say something grows almost impossible to ignore. This is my happy place. My fondest source of trouble. To hear someone malign it with such blatant lies makes me rage.
"They don't care what you want, they just care what you look like and whether or not you can be bought," Grumpy admonishes her friend just as I reach the counter and wave to Natalia, the attendant.
I snap, whirling around to face the two. Giggles looks just like I imagined her. Young. Hopeful. A nervous sort of energy combined with an openness and a readiness to explore. I see myself in her a little bit. I'm not sure I was ever that cute, but I was that idealistic, once. Grumpy is perfect. She's manicured from head to toe and she radiates coldness and disdain.
"Why are you here?" I ask them, gritting my teeth to keep from growling at Grumpy.
"Excuse me? That's your business, why?" Grumpy steps forward and into my personal space. I hate people in my personal space uninvited.
"You made it my business when you lied about what we do here. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to participate. Hell, you don't have to do a goddamn thing you don't want to do. That's the fucking point. You choose. Consent. Heard of that? That's what we build our foundation on," I huff, pointing at the giant sign on the door that outlines the rules.
Grumpy looks me up and down slowly, her eyes lingering on the wrinkles in my shirt-dress and my sports bra, "I don't imagine you will have to do much choosing, hag." She spits out, turning to her friend and giving me the cold shoulder. The judgement and disdain dripping off her is almost tangible.
Bitch.
I count to ten in my head and then count again. Finally, I have my breathing under control and I turn around to face Natalia who is glaring daggers at the duo. "Want me to ban them?" she mutters angrily, scanning the gold card I hand her and typing furiously on her keyboard, "I'll have Killian throw them out on their yoga-built asses. Just say the word."