My brother won an island cruise for two. I pointed out that he'd chosen just the right moment as my holidays had just come due. He and I could go on the cruise while Marie, his wife, stayed home and watched the shop. Selfish bastard wouldn't be in it. He pointed out that my holidays had fallen due at just the right moment to allow him and his wife to go on the cruise while I stayed home and watched his shop for him.
I debated the issue vigorously. He explained that if he went on the cruise without his wife he'd come back to find no wife, no house and no shop. Marie also suggested that, as she paid for the winning ticket, maybe I should butt out or I might have no balls. After considering their quite logical arguments and the possible fate of my testicles I admitted that their argument was reasonable and agreed to watch the shop for a couple of weeks.
Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't going to be standing behind a counter serving customers for the next couple of weeks. When I asked Sid if he expected me to be on the floor serving customers he looked at me as though I was mad. Kind of me to offer, he reckoned, but he'd rather keep his customers. No, I was going to be the back room boy. There to sign cheques and things. More of a managerial presence than anything else as his staff could handle the shop without any problems. I was an authority figure in case of emergency. My sweet sister-in-law told me that there had better not be any emergencies.
I waved Sid and Marie off on their cruise. They waved back and then Sid gave me one last bit of information.
"You won't need to worry about Debra," he told me. "She's doing fine."
For a moment I'm like, who's Debra, and then it clicked. Marie's little sister. My sweet testicle-threatening sister-in-law is an angel compared to her little sister. Why would I want to worry about Debra?
Sid must have seen my puzzled look because he laughed.
"She works for me now," he said. "She's excellent with customers."
"Works for you?" I said. "In your shop?"
"That's right. Like I said, you won't need to worry about her."
The rotten man then turned and ran up the gangway and onto the ship. He ran because if he hadn't he'd have had to swim, the swine. He damn-well knew that Debra and I did not get on too well. Did you ever mix baking-soda and vinegar at school to make a volcano? If so, you know the sort of reaction that occurs when you add Debra to my placid life. And now I was stuck with her for two weeks.
Perhaps I should explain a little bit further about my new position in the store. My brother had an excellent number two, name of Andy, who handled almost everything that needed to be handled. My brother rarely needed to provide input into the day to day management, concentrating on long term strategy for expanding and the tactics that would be used.
I can hear you asking, so why am I needed? In the normal course of events I wouldn't be. My brother would take his vacation and Andy would run the place. The problem was, when my brother took a vacation he was still contactable, which was a source of great comfort to Andy. Andy is the quintessential number two. He can do everything that the boss requires, except take full responsibility. He needed someone above him as the final arbiter. That's where I came in. I was now the man responsible while Sid floated around on the briny blue.
I had discussed my filling-in for Sid with Andy and he had no problems with it. I'd leave him alone to run the store and he wouldn't bother me. That suited me down to the ground. All I had to do was turn up for an hour or so each day looking important and then go home. Andy could call me if he had to.
He didn't need to call me. He had my first problem waiting for me as soon as I arrived on the Monday. It appeared he had an issue with a member of staff who wasn't dressed as per staff guidelines.
"So why is that an issue for me?" I asked him. "Just tell her to go home and come back properly attired."
"She insists that she is properly attired as per store rules," Andy said irritably. "Normally I'd just ignore her take on what the rules mean."
He stopped and looked at me meaningfully. So why wasn't he just leaning on the errant staff member? He was fully capable of it. Then I twigged.
"It's Debra, isn't it?" I said, trying not to snarl. It would be. It can be hard to lean on the boss's sister-in-law, especially seeing the boss was out of touch. That dumped it straight in my lap.
"Send her in," I said with a sigh.
Debra came waltzing in the door, happy as Larry, everything right with her world. I could see straight away what Andy's objections were. Although there was nothing about Debra's outfit that you could legitimately criticize it was just wrong for the store image. It would have been perfect for a Miss Teenager type shop, but not for Sid's more upmarket clothing emporium.
"How long have you been working here, Deb?" I asked, keeping it polite.
"About six months," she replied, still smiling.
"Uh-huh. Six months and all through that time you've been wearing clothes that fell within staff guidelines. Why the change?"
"This outfit is within the store guidelines," she replied.
"Andy says it is not and Andy, I might point out, is the manager. You may not agree with his ruling but he is the manager and you have to go along with it. You will go home and change into the sort of clothing that you normally wear."
"There is nothing wrong with the outfit I'm currently wearing," Debra said flatly, defying me to say there was.
"I didn't say there was," I replied. "I said it has been ruled as to not be within the store's clothing guidelines. Guidelines that you obviously know as you've been following them for six months. If you think the guidelines are too narrow then by all means put in a suggestion to that effect. However, until the guidelines are changed you will follow them as interpreted by management. Andy in this case."
"And if I say there's nothing wrong with this outfit and I'm going to continue wearing it?"
"That will be your choice," I said calmly. "I'll regret having to accept your resignation but if that's the way you want to go. . ."
She looked as though she couldn't believe what I was saying.
"I didn't say anything about resigning," she spluttered.
"Resignation is far better than being fired for failing to obey your manager's lawful directive," I pointed out. "If you can't follow staff guidelines as interpreted by management then this is obviously not a place where you should be working."
"Sid wouldn't let you fire me."
"Sid isn't here. I am. I notice you didn't try this nonsense while he was here."
Debra glared at me but capitulated.
"Fine. I'll go home and change."
"Don't be too long about it," I said genially. "Your working day doesn't start until you arrive at the shop properly dressed. You don't get paid for not being here."
