"College is where dorks go to have sex with other dorks."
Mike Birbiglia
"What does Jamila do for a living?" I asked him, as we spent a lazy late-summer Saturday morning in his apartment. He had made Turkish eggs for breakfast, fried in butter and drenched in a thick, salty yogurt sauce, and drizzled with more butter and some spice I couldn't identify, with grilled flat bread and fruit. I think he was trying to weigh me down so I'd be too torpid to flee.
"Well, we knew each other way back in the day," he said, setting down his plate on the oddly-proportioned coffee table, 'but I lost track of her after she moved to the Mid-west for work."
"How did you two meet?"
"One story at a time, Grasshopper! And that's a long one, so you probably won't hear it today. Anyway, she had already been back east for some time before we ran into each other, and she's not the most forthcoming person, so I'm a little vague on the details. I know she began belly-dancing almost immediately, but hardly anybody makes a living at that. I'm pretty sure she did some surreptitious stripping over in New Jersey, but the Middle east dance community takes an extremely dim view of that, and she probably would have been blackballed had they found out. So she quit as soon as she could. Now, she divides her time between belly-dance--which she also teaches privately--modeling, and dominatrix work."
"She's a professional dominatrix?" I asked, a whole flock of butterflies taking wing in my stomach. He cocked an eyebrow and gave me a look.
"This is of intense interest to you?" he asked, obviously relishing the Mother of All Blushes I had broken into. "So that's why the hairs on my arms were standing up when you two met--all that electricity in the air!"
"I'm just curious," I said, lamely.
"You're just drooling."
"I am not. Anyway, jealous much?"
"I might could be. May have to lock you up." He tightened his arm around my waist, and, snuggling into him, I said coyly,
"Promise?" (I also made a mental note about Jamila's belly-dance lessons.)
"So if you won't tell me how you and Jamila met, tell me about your first subbie," I said. He pondered the question a moment.
"You mean the first chick I dated who liked to be tied up or spanked or what-not, or my first no-foolin' submissive?"
"The second one," I answered. "Someone else as dumb as me." (My brat flag was flying proudly by this time.)
"I've never known anyone that dumb." I stuck out my tongue at him. "But gather round, Grasshopper, and I will tell you the tale of my first subbie."
STEVE
I met Colleen the autumn after I graduated from college. I was sharing the ground floor of a house with three friends from the theater department, all of whom were still students.
The department had hired me to come back and do some actor-musician work for their fall show. One night at a party, I spotted the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. If I had read any Thomas Hardy by that point, I would have said she looked like one of his dark-eyed heroines: lustrous, abundant dark-brown hair falling below her shoulders, full, sensuous lips, and a body that was "the raw material of a divinity"--narrow waist, generous hips and absolutely goddess-level tits.
I sat down next to her on the couch and started chatting her up. In her jeans and flannel shirt, she had more of a post-hippie vibe than your pep-squad...what was the word again? Effervescence. She didn't effervesce, but she was very attentive, and made me feel like we were alone together in the middle of that crowded room.
After we'd been talking a while, I deployed a party trick I had often used for flirting purposes: I reached out, removed one of her earrings, and put it into my own ear. My women friends generally rolled with this, knowing they'd get their jewelry back before the end of the evening. But Colleen was completely gobsmacked.
"That is so bold!' she said, reddening a little around her face and neck. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way--I was just flirting--but it obviously made a deep impression on her. She plainly thought I had claimed her with the gesture, and, as she didn't seem to mind being claimed, I asked her if she'd like to get out of there. Which she would. So she found her denim jacket and we headed out to my car.
As I unlocked the front door--my housemates were all still at the party--I asked if she'd like a cup of tea. 'Whatever you say,' she answered."
JILL
"Seriously?" I interrupted. "Whatever you say?" Not even deigning to answer me in words, he just cocked that damned eyebrow until I remembered how I'd responded when he first invited me for coffee.
"OK, fine," I conceded. "You were saying?"
"That bit of smart-assery just cost you the rest of the story."
"No, please tell me! I promise I'll be good," I wheedled, batting my eyelashes.
"You'll have to wear a nametag, then." I stuck out my tongue at him again.
STEVE
So there we were on my bed, she with her shirt off. Smiling coyly, she said,
"I can't believe you've gotten my shirt off already! You're a sniveler."
"A 'sniveler'?" I replied.
"You know exactly what I mean," she told me. I wasn't sure I did, but suspecting she meant I had somehow wormed my way past her defenses and persuaded her, against her better judgment, to allow me to de-shirt her, I made short work of that damsel-in-distress nonsense.
"No," I whispered into her ear, "You're a slut!" She looked startled and unsure how to respond, so I added,
"You are gloriously slutty, and it's making my toes curl, it's so hot! C'mere," I added, standing on the rug and leading her by the hand to stand facing me. "I'll show you sniveling!" Capturing her face in my hands, I cut off further yammering by gagging her with a long, probing kiss. I felt her soften under my ministrations until whatever she had been going to say got lost between her brain and mouth, and a whimper of desire came out instead.
"Sniveling slut!" I said, with what I thought was an evil grin. She grinned back and returned her tongue to my mouth as I reached around her to unfasten her utilitarian white bra. Sliding it off, I began a long, slow, exploratory tour of her upper body, leaving a trail of kisses on her neck, shoulders, arms, hands, tits--my God, those tits!--and lingering a long time over her abdomen: kissing and licking her belly, nibbling her hips, and poking my tongue into her navel to see how ticklish she was. Which was very.
The whole time, I had her tits in my hands, and every time she whimpered or moaned, I pinched her nipples until she yelped. At last she admitted, "OK, I'M the sniveler! Are you happy now?"
"Not yet," I said, pinning her wrists behind her with my left hand. She gasped, and her breathing became rapid and shallow. With my right hand, I unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, exposing a big, white pair of "grannie panties". After she stepped out of her jeans, I picked her up and lay her on the bed. After getting undressed myself, I removing her unsexy undies, saying,
"Not planning on going home with anyone tonight, huh?"
"See?" she said. "I'm not a slut!"