"I don't really understand how something that happened in high school can have anything to do with the way I'm feeling now?" Karen said while laying on the comfortable leather couch. She was slim and fit, her clothing was stylish and polished, and her brown hair was pulled back tightly and pinned out of the way. At twenty nine, she was a college graduate, enjoyed a successful career, and had a fiancee who adored her. Yet, despite it all, she felt depressed. Disconnected. It didn't make sense. She had achieved almost everything that should have brought about happiness, yet she still felt empty inside. Incomplete.
"So it makes you uncomfortable to talk about something that happened in high school? Even after all this time? Do you think that's normal?" Dr. Livingston said. The psychologist was forty-three, had blonde, well-styled hair, glasses, and was fond of pencil cut skirts and expensive shoes. She had a voice like honey. "Will you at least admit that?"
Karen examined what the psychologist said. Yes, just like always she had to admit the woman was right on all accounts.
"It makes me uncomfortable. I can't explain it." Karen said as she unconsciously slid further into the safety of the leather couch. She had no idea how the topic of her senior year in high school came up, since she usually avoided it like the plague. "But still, I just don't see how it has any bearing now after all this time. But if you insist. I'll- I'll tell you what happened."
"I don't insist," Dr. Livingston said. "If you don't feel comfortable telling it, you don't have to. You'll know when you are far enough along."
Karen did feel uncomfortable. Dr. Livingston had hit the nail on the head. Karen had done her best to forget that year. Yet, now that it had been identified, she couldn't very well not tell it either. That would be admitting that it was the source of her problems. And it wasn't. Besides, it was so very long ago.
Ages...
It all started back at a party in high school. It was at Susan's house. Susan's parents were rich and she was popular. A cheerleader.
Well, I was with my best friend Jenny...I guess you could call us nerds, but maybe that is too strong a term. We weren't really nerds. We just weren't ...popular.
But, anyway, Susan invited us to her party. That in itself was unexpected, since we were never invited anywhere. Of course, we were both very excited. Thrilled because it was our first after school party. We thought maybe, maybe this is the turning point. Maybe we were on our way to becoming popular. Having boyfriends. That sort of thing.
And it did end up being a turning point. Just not like I planned.
There was some drinking going on at the party. Of course, I didn't partake. To be honest we weren't even supposed to be there, we both sort of lied to our parents and said we were researching at the library.
Things were uneventful for quite sometime. I sipped on a Pepsi, while Jenny did then same....only she was eating these little cups of jello that were sitting on a table like they were going out of style. Susan saw us standing against the wall in the living room and invited to the dining room to play a game with them.
The game was spin the bottle.
Jenny said sure and pulled me by the hand. I wasn't so sure it was such a good idea. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure we shouldn't play. We weren't ready yet. We didn't belong there. Not like these other confident and laughing girls.
While they laughed, butterflies fluttered in my stomach. My heart was pounding in my chest like a race horse. Pounding the whole time. Lisa spun first. The bottle landed on her boyfriend. They frenched. I felt...I felt like some sort of voyeur watching them. Seeing their tongues move into each other's mouths. Don't get me wrong, I had dreamt of doing this with a boy for quite some time. Had read trashy romance novels of the very thing. Though I was still scared, a new feeling began to blossom in my chest. Hope.
Could it be that my dreams were to become reality? Even so, I wasn't sure I was ready.
I started to sweat. The boys around the table were hunks. Dreamy. They played on the football team and the tennis team. My God, and there I was - a nobody.
Until now, because this nobody was going to kiss one of them. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time.
What if I did it wrong? If I kissed too much would he get the wrong idea? If I didn't kiss enough, would he think me a wet fish?
It turned out I didn't have to worry about that at all.
It was my turn. With shaking fingers, I took the bottle and gave it a twist. I looked across the table and saw David., Pretty blonde David with his wavy hair and dimpled chin. Hunky David. I gave a silent prayer. Please let it be David. I willed it to stop on him. The bottle went round and round making a grating sound on the shiny tabletop.
So fast it spun. So long too. It didn't seem to go on as long for everyone else. Now time positively slowed as the bottle continued to make its rounds. Slower and slower. My heart thumped. Boom-boom-boom like a bass drum. I wondered why no one could here it.
The bottle kept going. It passed David...then me...slowed on Jenny...then finally came to a rest.
It stopped on Susan. The felt my cheeks burn. Susan stuck out her tongue luridly and wiggled it at me.
"Come here and give me a kiss girly," she said.
Dear God. What had I gotten myself into. I reached for the bottle again.
"Ah-ah-ah," Lisa said shaking a scolding finger. "If you want to spin again you have to take off something first. Both of you."
I took off my shoe and put it on the table.
"No, shoes and socks count as one article," Lisa smiled. "You too Susan."
"But I didn't say no," Susan said. Grumbling she took off her flip-flops and put them on the table. I felt pressured into doing the same. After all, I was the one who said no. Still, I determined that soon - very soon I would find an excuse to stop playing this game. After I kissed David.
I spun again. This time my heart was pounding even more. My vision throbbed every time it hammered in my chest.
David would be okay. But so would Tony or Brian. The bottle slowed. Slower and slower. It was going to point at me. Maybe I could stop then? I surely couldn't kiss myself. But then slowly ever so slowly it kept going. Further and further. I felt an impending sense of dread. I tried to nudge it, to help it along with my mind. All to no avail. It landed on my very best friend. Jenny.
"Kiss-kiss-kiss," those gathered at the table urged. Then it wasn't just the table watching, but those in the living room as well.
