"Dear Mr. Soaperstein:
The New Hampshire Board of Parole believes in your repentance (finally), but is concerned that you have no job skills, having spent twenty-seven of your 39 years either using and selling heroin or making "Live Free or Die" license plates.
However, one of our Parole board members has a share in a local business, a little shop that has had difficulty finding employees because of its peculiar nature. If you would be willing to work at this shop for six months, the Board will be happy to approve your release date of 7/6/06.
Sincerely,
A Whittaker, Parole Board Superintendent..."
"I just want something that will fit him" Phoebe said imperiously. Soapy looked askance at Phoebe. She was a acid blonde with huge, possibly boob-job breasts in a skin-tight T-shirt. Phoebe was pretty, but she looked so enraged. Next to her was her husband, Nolan, who was bespectacled with a graying moustache. "He keeps breaking into the chastity belts, and jerking himself off" Phoebe said contemptuously.
Phoebe glared at the balding Nolan and he stared at the floor. "I beat his ass over and over again, but he keeps breaking into the chastity belts! I've tried chastity, belts, cock harnesses, rubber bands, Leather cylinders, Steel Thimbles, Iron Maidens, chastity tubes, cock cages, and crotch lockdowns, and he's broken into them all."
"But we haven't made love in over a year..." Nolan looked at her imploringly.
Phoebe laughed contemptuously, her breasts jogging a bit in the white T-shirt. "Take out your penis...show the clerk, Nolan...show him what a pitiful little thing you've got."
"No, no..." Soapy protested. "Too much information, really." Out of the prison for six weeks, the last thing he wanted to see was another man's dingie, there'd been too much of that inside.
Phoebe reached out and grabbed Nolan's right nipple through his shirt and twisted it, and Nolan screamed. "Take it out, NOW." Nolan blanched.
Then sure enough, Nolan unzipped his pants and pulled out a small, white cock. Phoebe pointed to it. "Look at that thing. It's not even good enough to worm a hook if I wanted to go fishing!"
Phoebe tickled the underside of Nolan's penis. "He's just so focused on getting his way with this nasty little...worm. It just wants to get inside me, can you believe it?" Phoebe breathed heavily and her breasts jounced, and Soapy licked his lips.
As Phoebe stroked her husband's penis gently, she touched Soapy's chest with her other hand. "I'd much rather have a studly fellow like you...and I know you'd know how to please a woman." Phoebe smiled, and Soapy's legs began shaking.
"But forget it!" Phoebe snapped, and Soapy recovered quickly. "I don't do sex-shop clerks." Phoebe's fingers continued to stroke Nolan until he began gasping and panting.
"And I don't do this dork either." Phoebe snickered, looking at her pitiful husband.
Phoebe's stroking turned into a grasp. Phoebe grasped Nolan's penis and twisted it, hard. "He's a perverted, deranged little weirdo!" The woman reached over to Nolan's belt and unbuckled it, and pulled it off. Phoebe doubled the belt over and whacked Nolan's penis four or five times as Soapy watched impassively.
Finally, Nolan began weeping and covering his penis with his hands, and Phoebe threw the belt down. "I need this thing locked up, and fast!"
"B-but darling Miss Phoebe." Nolan said hesitantly. " Even if we didn't make love...you-you almost never let me have a release...no masturbation" Nolan looked terribly embarrassed to be discussing this in front of Soapy, who was beginning to be a bit revolted. He really should have found a job at Wal-Mart.
"I've put you on a schedule, and you can shut your mouth right now, Nolan Haberman." Phoebe pressed a long nail into Soapy's chest. "Do you have anything here that this conniving idiot can't break into?" Phoebe breathed hard and her massive boobs shifted in the T-shirt.
The bell to the Little Shop rang, and two women came in, a smiling candy-striper type of about 25 wearing a pink T-shirt and another, not as cheerful redhead of about 40 dressed in business clothes with a briefcase.
They looked about the store for a moment, and the redhead called to Nolan, "Dude, your doinger is hanging out." Nolan put his face in his hands, and then after his wife nodded curtly, zipped up his wounded penis while the girls giggled.
Soapy wondered if he were too old to join the Army. Iraq couldn't be worse than this.
"Pardon me" said the blonde. "I am looking for a good rattan cane?"
"Could you hold on a minute?" Soapy said to Phoebe. "The-the canes are back there. Miss." The women walked to the back and Soapy turned back to Phoebe.
"You must have something in this queer place." Phoebe said, gritting her teeth, as Nolan backed off from her a bit. "I see dildos, vibrators, weird looking feathery shit. Don't you have one little chastity device for Houdini here?"
Phoebe turned and looked at Nolan and gritting her teeth, she slapped him. Nolan's glasses fell off, and the little man dropped to his knees, looking for them.
The candy striper type came back up to Soapy, bending a wicked looking cane. "Do you have anywhere I could try this out?" she asked. "Like a back room, or..."
Soapy wiped his forehead. What do you say to people like this? "The back room is taken, I think...let me go and check." Soapy went to knock on the door of the little room in the back.
The door opened slightly, showing a tattooed woman with short hair in a black tube top, rubbing a long dildo that was protruding between her legs.
"This is an excellent strap-on, Soapy, but I don't know if it's big enough...would you consider dropping your pants—" Soapy shut the door hurriedly.
Soapy knocked on the door of the broom closet. "Mr. Wiggins, are you done with Chief?" Soapy heard nothing, so he opened the door to see a little man in a diaper sucking off a viciously snarling German Shepherd wearing a spiked collar with a price tag on it.
The little man looked up. "Soapy, Chief and I may buy this collar, but I want to service him first, as he is my Master." The dog barked sharply at Soapy and he shut the door.
Soapy came back to the cheery girl who was waving the cane rather close to her friend, who was backing off a bit. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but the back room seems to be taken."
Her redheaded chum took the cane wielder's arm. "Hannah, let's take it home." Hannah smiled.