The sun's shining (or beating) down on my shoulders as I walk back up the stone drive. I check the carrots and parsley, both cleaned of weeds, and make a mental note to begin hoeing the potato beds next. It doesn't look like rain soon, but hopefully we can wait until tomorrow to lay irrigation pipe.
The thought of rain and sprinklers reminds me of water, and I quicken my pace- a cool cup of water might be worth dying for right now.
I duck into the shop and run a wet paper towel over my face and arms, wiping away most of the black dirt. I'm always so unbearably dirty. I'm reaching for the column of paper cups next to the water cooler when I freeze.
There's a red pickup in the parking lot, next to my own car. An F-150, late 90s to early 2000s, but well loved, and pimped as it didn't deserve to be. A bullbar and halos, but my gaze goes through the windshield to the passenger seat. I've been there before, oh yes.
Then I notice the lean, dark figure slipping out of the driver's side. Fuck.
I rush outside, praying for my coworkers to milk the entirety of their break time.
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
You smirk, and shrug. Fuck. "I wanted a last time."
"I told you I didn't want a last time, Cole."
"And you know that I want what I can't have."
"Oh, so you want me now?"
Your eyes roll up in exasperation. "I always have, just not precisely the way you wanted me to."
My eyes fall. "I know." I look up again, but not at you. I look at the clouds behind your head. "That's why I don't want a last time."
"But I do, and I can't think of the last time you denied me something I wanted. Especially when it's something you need."
A defiant rebuttal rises to my lips and dies just as quickly. You're right. I know you are. You know I know you are. And so you have me cornered, checkmated, yours one last time.
My eyes return to the ground in my defeat. "Follow this road to the first stoplight, and turn right. You'll see a little Mexican restaurant, and a 40-bucks-a-night inn behind it. You have a debit card with you?"
You nod, all business now. My shame has passed and I make eye contact again while delivering instructions. "Go find something to eat or whatever, a CVS is right across the street for whatever flavor of condoms you want. Text me a room number; I'll be there at 6."
You leave, driving north and I return to work. My mind's a fucking mess now. Should I have done that? Why did I? I should have gotten my supervisor to ask you to leave, never even looked at your face, it was your face that would get me in the end, that motherfucking smirk.
It doesn't matter now- what's done is done, and my excitement is undeniable.
4:30 rolls around, and I average 70 on the way home. I can't slow down, because if I do I might stop, or God forbid, think too much.
Upon arriving home I quickly feed dogs, cats, poultry and cattle. Then I rush around, eating little light food, grabbing body wash and a new four-blade razor, hopping in the shower.
Here I force myself to slow down, trying to force you out of my immediate mind, though you're ever-present in the background- I have to be perfect for you. I wash every inch of my body, and shave my legs, underarms, and pussy, pulling my skin tight- no nicks will do tonight.