It is a conundrum. It had puzzled him for years. On the surface it appears to be a simple situation. The simplicity masks a complicated maze of interwoven patterns that are constantly shifting and re-patterning, often with quite interesting results. As with any structure of such intricate interdependencies, movement or change in just one variable can have totally unexpected movement across a broad surface, creating ripples in multiple points that they intersect, creating harmonic enhancements in some places and chaotic interference in others. It tends to make life, in many ways, interesting. Or, it may be a curse akin to the old Chinese idiom, "May you live in interesting times."
He harbors a relationship of two sides. The persona of his public side and that side that existed for years and of which he most often referred to as the thing.
The loving, caring, supportive individual who delights in being the foundation of the DD/lg relationship. He wants to be the emotional and physical strength of the relationship. He wants nothing more than to make his lg happy, to see her prosper and grow. He delights in her childlike wonder. He is taken by her willingness to unconditionally love and accept. He also knows she is an intelligent and creative woman, independent and capable, creative and wise, and quite able to exist on her own without him. It is this that he admires most about her. The fact that she chooses, of her own free will and accord, to unconditionally gift to Daddy her loyalty, love and self, makes her, in his eyes, all the more special. She is, perhaps, as complicated a creature as he is, but that is a matter for another time.
He delights in his lg. He is happiest when he is with her and at his most low when she is absent.
The conundrum, then, is that persona that he keeps closeted in a dark and remote corner of his mind. The creature is always present, but kept controlled. Not chained, but held at bay by years of careful training and ever present attention. This thing, dark and malevolent, is kept leashed for good reason. Unleashed, he revels in his freedom. Unleashed, he answers to no one. Unleashed, he will fight to keep his freedom.
At times, He lets the thing into the light, but always on a carefully shortened leash. He, were He to be truthful, has just a bit of fear of the thing Himself. He fears letting the leash slip. He fears losing control. He fears not being able to put the thing back into its place. The thing, fears nothing or no one. The thing exists outside of care, interested only in its own satisfactions. It lives to feed its own hungers. It exists to maintain its own existence.
So the two exist. One unable to exterminate the other, only managing to maintain control. The one needing the other to remain extant and constantly struggling to gain control. A balance. A tightrope. A mutual hate/love interplay.
And now. lg discovers that she loves the thing almost as much as she loves him. Perhaps it is the fascination with the danger. Perhaps it is because the thing is him without the controls. Him as dark as the thing might be. So He finds one of the strings is moved, pulled, repositioned and all of that intricate web of associations in that darkly deviant mind begin to shift to restore the balance. It raises questions. It brings the need to establish new understandings. It creates discomfort in one place and a sense of opportunity for another. Him, noting the resetting of connections and the imbalance works to find a new equation. The thing, in its own way as intelligent and as adept as him, senses opportunity to slip the leash or, at the very least, to lengthen its reach.
Rebalance the equation. Conserve the comfort. Protect the status quo.
Push forward. Expand the opportunities. Advantage the situation.
How will the balance be found? Where will the new limits be set? How far will the leash stretch?
Other questions?
Where does lg want the balance? Where does lg want the new limits? How long does lg want the leash to stretch?
He, knowing that the answer to each of the questions will cause another round of equation balancing, thinks. Constantly.
And what does He think about? The balance. The constant pull and push. He thinks about Himself and the thing. How much stretch is there in the leash. How far can he set the boundary. How much of the thing does she want? How much does she need? How much can she take? He knows what the thing wants. Totality. Control. Her. What does He want. Her. Her happiness. Her love. Her devotion. That then are the variables in the equation. And they must balance.
Looking through the narrow confines of the darkened crack of the walls that had been built to keep the thing in check, the thing struggled to see. Glimpses. Snatches. Pieces of images and thoughts came to him piecemeal. They came when the control slipped. When the passages were momentarily widened. When He allowed the thing a moment of slack, a chance to feel a moment of freedom. It was rare. It was much to short and the leash still waiting to jerk back, to control, to limit. The thing rankled at the confinement, the boundaries, the ever present limitations which only fueled the things needs, whetted the things appetite and sharpened the things intents.
In the past the thing had rumbled and roared, beat itself against the walls and lunged against the leash. Time had dulled that energy. Now the thing waited, alone. Patience learned of impatience. Brooding need seething, bubbling like a cauldron of liquid steel. Waiting.
The hungers rage silently. Kept contained within the thing. Confined like the thing lest they drive him mad with need. Watching. The glimpses of light, the snatches of conversation, the waft of a smell. Tantalizing but the thing had learned long ago not to dwell on what might be, only what is. One of the what is was her. The thing had watched, listened, smelled. The thing knew her now. Slowly the thing had studied. The thing gathered the tiny morsels of her as they filtered through the narrowed openings of confinement. Bit by bit, she had become known. As the knowledge of her had grown, so had the desire, the want, the need. The thing spent long hours musing. The musing turned to desire, the desire to lust, the lust to obsession.
The thing wanted her. The thing wanted her without the controls He would impose. The thing wanted her free of the leash, free of the confines of the dark places that the thing was forced to inhabit. The thing wanted her without Him. The thing wanted to put Him on the leash, to put Him in the dark places, to force Him to watch through the narrow cracks of the twisted passages that the thing had so long been forced to occupy. That thought occupied the things mind, consumed it, ate at it, until the only thing thought that was left to the thing was the thought of her in the things hands.
So the thing waited, listening, smelling, watching. Each passing moment, each fleeting glimpse, each muted word, each tantalizing waft fueled the fire that burned white hot in the things deepest core until it existed as a white hot dwarf sun fueling the obsessive lust.
lg knows of the thing. He had told of it, had warned her of it, had let her glimpse the thing. She had seen the shadow of the thing. She had felt the warm breath of the thing and heard the voice of the thing. The mystery of the thing intrigued her. In many ways the thing intrigued her. She sensed the danger. It only heightened the excitement. She thought about the thing and about Him.
She had experienced moments of the thing. She knew that He carefully choreographed and managed those times. She knew that He went to lengths to keep the thing in check. But each time He had brought the thing into the light, she became more enthralled with the thought of the thing. Each time she experienced the thing, the more her thoughts were filled with the thing. Now she found herself wanting the thing, more of the thing, to experience the thing. The wonder and the excitement and the curiosity grew until she asked Him to bring the thing out to play.
He, wanting only to make her happy, agreed. He considered how much leash to allow the thing. He knew her well. He knew her fascination with the thing. He knew her need to test herself. He knew her wish to please Him and he guessed that, in some way, she knew that learning to love the thing would please him. So, he brought the thing out of the space where He kept it. He let the leash go slack and stepped back to watch. He was, he knew, prepared to jerk the leash and force the thing back into its confinement.
