This story is dedicated to My loving pet. As we come close to O/our third year together, O/our love and dedication remain strong. This story is not about U/us but she inspires Me in writing it. Thank you for giving yourself to Me, My little slave!
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As she parked in front of the bar, Grace thought about whether or not she wanted to go in to it. It had been over three months since she first started visiting it. With the increasing frequency of her husband's business trips, she had been able to go there about ten times. Not quite enough to be considered a regular, but getting close.
This was, however, her first visit since Marie had forced the issue both had ignored from almost the start. Grace had seen it coming, even as she didn't know how to respond. Marie needed to belong to her Mistress. Being submissive was who she was, not a game that she could put away when it was inconvenient. Grace had seen the need, understood it, and known that is was growing.
When they met for the last time, Marie was almost shaking. In her heart, she wanted nothing more than to belong to Mistress Grace. She was close to falling deeply in love with her. But Mistress wasn't able to give Marie what she needed. She couldn't own her. She was married. Her moments with Marie were stolen away from the normalcy of her life. She lived her life up until those two months ago in one pattern, content but not necessarily happy.
Marie didn't fit into that pattern. She disrupted it. And Grace wasn't ready to break that pattern and choose a different life. She loved her husband, even if it wasn't an all consuming passion, and had never been one. Her relationship with her parents was a strong one but this was so different than anything that they had experienced, she had no idea how they might react.
Despite the tugging of Grace's heart, she didn't want anything to change. She wanted her life and she wanted Marie. She knew deep down she was Domme. But even knowing that was not enough. It was like she kept who she was in a cage, ready to be released when the circumstances were right. And the rest of the time she still lived the life of the Grace everybody thought they knew. Wife, co-worker, boss, friend, daughter. It wasn't perfect, but she had long since come to accept that life wasn't perfect and to be satisfied with what she had because it was good enough.
Except Marie couldn't be satisfied with that. She didn't have that other life to hide behind. Even at her young age, she knew who she was and had accepted it. She didn't want to hide who she was. She had endured pain to arrive at that acceptance.
Telling her parents that she was gay took more courage that she would have believed. Shattering their image of her. Taking away their dreams of her future in a conventional lifestyle. But while she expected that to be hard, the worst was when they ignored her. They treated her like a child who couldn't understand. It was a phase or she was just confused. If she pressed, then they reacted with anger falling back on their religious beliefs. They made Marie feel as if they thought she was evil and destined for Hell unless she changed her "choice." And finally made it clear that if she didn't change her mind about being gay, she wouldn't have a place in their lives.
And for a time, Marie gave in to them. She pretended to be someone else. To keep her family happy she went out with a few boys. One in particular was nice enough and persistent enough to get to take her virginity. But even though it had been pleasant, it was missing something for her. Marie couldn't find a connection with him and he sensed it. He drifted away and she just didn't try to replace him with anyone else. She knew that she couldn't live a false life pretending to be straight. It didn't just hurt her, more importantly it would hurt the guy too.
Instead she accepted loneliness. She couldn't be straight and she couldn't be gay. Her thoughts and desires were kept locked up. Other than dating, she tried to be all the things that her parents wanted her to be. But it was like a hole inside of here. Her parents wouldn't even realize how they made it bigger. There would be little comments about gays when they were watching the news or TV shows. Their comments took away any hope of things changing.
The bigger the hole got, the more Marie felt like it was going to consume her. Her life grew more and more dark. Just getting out of bed in the morning was a shear act of will. The pain she felt seemed without end. Until one night she finally actively contemplated the thought that had been in the back of her mind for a long time. Was it even worth living?
Marie had sat and stared at the razor blade on the desk in front of her. She barely even remembered buying it. It hadn't been a plan. It wasn't like she had thought, "Okay, I am going to kill myself. What do I need?" Somehow it had just ended up in the things she had bought one day. And then she had stuck it away in her desk upon getting home. It had just sat there for some time, ignored like so many other things.
Her mind had been filled with so many thoughts of the pain she was enduring. The thought of removing the pain felt so welcome. She tried to imagine a pain-free life. It seemed so wonderful, so attractive. She had picked up the blade and touched one end of it to her wrist. There was a spark of pain as it nicked her. She lifted it up and looked down at her wrist, seeing the little drop of blood there.
As she stared at it, a little flame flickered inside her that pushed the darkness slightly away. It was anger. Anger at her parents for causing this pain. Anger at the world for making it hard on who she was. Anger at whatever or whoever it was that had made her this way in the first place. And finally anger at herself for accepting the pain. She didn't want to die. The thought, seductive before, just fanned the flame and made it grow.
It had been the pivotal moment in Marie's life. She chose to accept who she was and then the consequences. She moved out and for a time, her parents completely cut off contact with her. It was extremely painful for her because she had always been very close with them. Not having their presence in her life left a void but she couldn't turn away from her path. After a year or so, it became apparent that they too felt the void because first her mother started to contact her, then her father. Over a period of time, a relationship was reestablished between Marie and her parents. It didn't return to the closeness of before but they were part of her life again.
It had changed her though. After all the pain she had been through, she wasn't going to pretend to be something she wasn't. Even as she discovered the world of D/s and the submissive side to herself, she embraced it, never hiding it. But she didn't flaunt it either because it was just who she was.
So Marie had gone to Grace a final time. Even as she couldn't hold back the tears, Marie had not asked Grace to choose. She simply explained what she needed; that she needed to be owned by her Mistress. The feeling of being controlled was not about sex but about being safe and secure. Being owned meant knowing that she was accepted and loved without threat of having that love withdrawn.
And as much as it broke Grace's heart at the same time, she couldn't give Marie what she needed. Grace's journey had been different than Marie's. She was still finding her way and still not certain what path she would tread. The only firm thing in her mind was that she wasn't ready to walk away from the life she had been living. And so with tears they had parted, feelings still there but knowing that they would have to let them go.
And now three weeks later, Grace felt ready to go back to the bar. Before it was too raw. If she saw Marie, Grace would not have known what to do. Now Grace thought she could handle it even if Marie was with someone.
