The Healer

27 June

Deb

My work day dragged on like the last day of school before summer break and I wasn't sure if I was excited for my afternoon appointment with James or not. There were all sorts of emotions spinning through my head and making sense of them was just way more than I could handle at the moment. I tried busying myself with work tasks but wasn't really making any forward progress and every time I looked at the clock on my computer screen it had only moved a minute or two. Have you ever noticed that an analog clock seems to advance faster than a digital one? My desk and files got straightened more than once and old e-mails correctly archived. I even wiped down the counters in the break room. As it was, I still cut out early and headed to my appointment and arrived way ahead of schedule so I just sat in my car. The fucking clock on my phone didn't move any faster than the one on my computer so I gave up and went on in, figuring I could pass the remaining minutes just as well in the waiting room as in my car.

There was no receptionist and a prominent sign indicated for clients to take a seat. The room was tastefully decorated and had coffee, water, and soft drinks, so I grabbed a bottled water and sat down. I looked around and there was nothing remarkable, except for the mirrored dome on the ceiling. You know, the ones that normally hold a security camera. Suddenly I became very self-conscious and fidgeted and crossed and re-crossed my legs, smoothed my clothes and checked my hair. Then I did it all over again. Shit Deb! Calm down! I was starting my third repeat when the door opened and James walked out.

"Hi Deb, come on back please."

I smiled and followed him down the hall and as we walked we passed various rooms, including some furnished for medical exams. He stopped at a door and opened it and I breathed a sigh of relief that it looked just like an office. He motioned me to sit on the couch as he took an overstuffed chair facing it.

"It's really nice to see you Deb. I'm glad you decided to come."

"Thanks James, I'm happy to be here as well. Well I think I am anyway."

"You think? Do you have some concerns?"

"Honestly James, I don't know. I have all sorts of things running through my head. And I'm very nervous."

"What are you nervous about?"

"I don't know. Maybe that's why I'm nervous. I don't know what's going to happen."

James smiled this warm, calming, and disarming smile that made me feel better. You know how some people smile and it's only their mouth that's smiling and you feel they are fake? Well James was just the opposite. Every part of his face smiled, including his eyes which communicated such care and honesty.

"It's normal to be nervous Deb but you really don't need to be. Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen and you can walk away at any time. And for today we will be just talking and doing a few tests. Is that okay with you?"

I nodded agreement and felt a little better but still had butterflies in my stomach. James had printed out the questionnaires that I'd filled out and we chatted about my answers. Eventually he asked a question I wasn't expecting.

"So Deb, how does Mike feel about you being involved in this process?"

He must have read my face, which in all honesty had to be very transparent.

"You haven't talked to him, have you?"

I shook my head and looked at the floor.

"I guess I thought I could do this and fix things by myself. I really wouldn't know how to talk to Mike about something like this and I don't know how he would react."

"You need to understand something Deb. Successful marriages are all about truthfulness, openness, honesty, and communication. It's true that I can give you some tools to help, but your only real success is going to come by you bringing Mike into this and working as a team. Do you understand why?"

I nodded mutely but got extremely anxious about broaching the subject with Mike, let alone talking sex.

"That makes you uncomfortable doesn't it Deb?"

"Yes it does. Mike and I have never talked on that level. Actually I've never talked with anyone about sex at that level."

"Nobody? Not even a close girlfriend?"

"No never! I'd be so embarrassed I'd just die! I mean yes generalities but nothing in depth or detail. It's all just so private and shouldn't be talked about."

James looked at me with a look of true concern and compassion on his face.

"Maybe a sister or your mother?"

"No. My parents didn't ever talk about it and my mom just talked about the basics but I learned more from health classes than I did from her. She basically told me that the best thing to do was just lay there and let my husband finish his business and to not expect much from sex."

"And is that your outlook on sex?"

"Well no. Well I don't think so. I mean women should get something out of sex. Right?"

"Let me ask you this Deb. I know from your questionnaires that you are orgasmic. Which would you rather do, masturbate or have sex with your husband?"

That question threw me for a loop and I wasn't quite sure how to answer. Plus it was really uncomfortable.

"Uh, I uh guess that depends on the circumstances."

"Let me ask it another way. If you had to give one up permanently which would it be?"

Now I was really spinning. My heart leapt into my throat and tears began to build in my eyes. I couldn't bear to answer the way he asked the question.

"I'd keep the pleasuring myself thing. That's a horrible thing to say isn't it? I mean I do love Mike."

"It's not horrible Deb, it's an honest feeling and it's the kind of communication we have to get you and Mike to start having. Has Mike ever tried to talk to you about sex, for example, details about what he likes and doesn't like?"

"He tried when we first got married but didn't much after that."

"Why do you think that was? That he didn't keep trying to talk about it?"

"I guess because I was so uncomfortable that he picked up on it. And Mike is not a really open person with his feelings. Don't get me wrong, he's very caring but he doesn't talk much on an emotional level."

"And you don't either, do you?"

At that statement the tears started flowing and James quickly handed over a box of tissues.

"So one thing we need to do is get the two of you talking and being more open with your feelings. And we really need to get you in touch with your sexuality and comfortable in your own skin. So do you still want to proceed?"

"Yes, yes of course I do."

"Okay then, I think we've covered enough ground for the day. We will keep our scheduled sessions for the next few days, but you must get with your husband and let him know what's going on. We can't proceed if you don't and it would really work best if he was actively involved. Do I have your assurance that you will talk this over with him?"

I told him I would talk to Mike right away and then shook his hand and left the office. My head was reeling with conflicting feelings as I made the drive home. As much as I loved Mike, the very thought of baring my soul on such an intimate subject just made me want to chuck it all in. But James had made it very clear that I needed to involve Mike, or at least let him know what was going on. When I got home I threw on some sweats, opened a bottle of wine, and opened up my laptop. I hadn't received anything from Mike on my phone and I don't know why I thought there would be an e-mail on my computer since they were all the same account. The cursor just sat there blinking stupidly at me, like it was doing something when it really wasn't. I drank down my glass of wine and poured another. I sat staring for so long that my screensaver came up. Images flashed by of family, friends, vacations, and lots of pictures of me and Mike. Sadness, loneliness, and guilt all washed over me in a huge flood. I picked up my phone and sent Mike a text. I took another swig of wine. Nothing in reply. I typed out a quick e-mail and sent it his way. Nothing. By the time I'd finished the glass Mike had replied to my text and we chatted for quite a while, in fact longer than we had in months. But Mike's tone seemed reserved, like he was sad or upset. I know that sounds stupid because it was all text, but there you have it. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was fine and just tired and missing me. There was a number of times that I could have told Mike about what I was doing but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. After we signed off I felt even further away from him than ever before and I was patently sad and lonely. Of course the wine probably wasn't helping.

My mind drifted to James, about how easy he was to talk to and I had shared things with him that I hadn't ever opened up about before. It was liberating and filled me with a sense of excitement, something that I thought had died a long time ago. And it didn't hurt that James was also easy on the eye. It was a thought that filled me with a sense of warmth. He had a sense of confidence and maturity that was intoxicatingly attractive and his eyes and smile were to die for. I replayed our first meeting and our appointment today and found my pulse quickening while the rich tones of his voice mingled with his scent and electric touch. My hand drifted to my pussy as I thought of him licking me and my wetness spread and soaked my sweats. I came within minutes and I came hard. I basked in the afterglow but it was short-lived and quickly replaced by a flood of guilt.

28 June

Deb

After another fidgety day at work I was back sitting on the couch at James' office. I found myself unable to look him in the eye without thinking of what I'd done last night. I felt both guilty and excited.

"Before we begin Deb I need to ask if you talked to your husband last night and told him what's going on?"

How could I tell him I'd chickened out? I decided I would tell Mike the next time we talked but I didn't want James to put a halt to things. I felt sure he would if he found out that I hadn't told Mike so I lied.

"Yes we talked last night and I told him all about it."

"And how did that go?"

"Well he was a little upset at first but then we talked and he thought it was a good idea."

"Really? So will he be coming in soon so that we can incorporate him in the program?"

"He's away on an extended business trip. He told me to go ahead and then he'd get started as soon as he returns."

"Do you have any idea when that will be?"

"It shouldn't be long, a few weeks he says. But he did reiterate that I should continue."

There was a pause while James mulled things over. I was desperately afraid he was going to put a hold on things until Mike got home.

"It is a little irregular but we can proceed if he's okay with it and won't be gone much longer."

I breathed a silent sigh of relief and my excitement grew.

"Oh yes, he's okay with it. Of course he's a little wary but wants to get us back to normal."

"I see. Back to normal? I don't think either of you really want that since your 'normal' is dysfunctional."

"Uh no, of course not. You're right."

"So I know you signed all the paperwork and know about the sorts of things we will be doing in the coming months. Did you understand all the papers you signed?"

"Yes, of course I did."

"And is it your intent to enter into this program and abide by the rules and instructions as they are determined?"

"Yes it is."

"That's great Deb. Now one of our first conclusions from our talk and the questionnaires is that you aren't very comfortable in discussing sexual matters, nor in being open about your sexuality. Is that a fair assessment?"

The very words he was saying made me want to hide and it's because they were true. I couldn't even look up and merely nodded.

"So we need to get you to the point that you don't look at the floor when sex comes up. In light of that I need you to stand up and take off all your clothes."

"Wha...?!"

"Deb, every element of our program serves a well-proven and specific purpose, so I'm not telling you to do this just for the fun of it. I can tell you that it's in your best interest, and, it's required if you want to stay in the program."

The last thing I wanted was to be tossed out and yet I was paralyzed and couldn't move. The silence became deafening and my mind was screaming at me to stand up. I don't remember commanding my muscles to move but they did. I lifted each foot and removed my shoes, which I carefully placed side by side to the side of the couch.

Author's Note: Have you ever noticed how women get undressed when they are a little self-conscious? It always follows a specific order. Shoes first followed by the top, then the skirt or pants, next the bra and lastly off come the panties. Each item is carefully folded as it's removed and stacked neatly on a chair or table. For guys it's a little different. At the speed of light pants are unzipped to free the penis as quickly as possible and I have a theory as to why that is. It's because the appearance of a receptive vagina is a fleeting thing. One wrong word, or an infinitesimal number of any other perceived minuscule shifts in the balance of the universe, and said vagina may vanish into the ether never to be seen again. So an experienced guy knows to get it out first and get stuck in before it disappears. The clothes may come off if the guy feels confident that the vagina is sticking around for the whole performance. If that's the case they come off in no particular order, or maybe all at once, and are often flung into the surrounding states, never to be seen again. It's funny how different men are from women. But let's get back to Deb taking off her clothes, which is what we are really interested in anyway.

I decided to get everything off quickly because going slowly would feel too much like stripping. Top, skirt, bra, and then panties all came off. I felt very self-conscious and put my arm across my breasts and my other hand in front of my privates. Although I felt really uncomfortable standing bare naked in front of James I also felt a sense of arousal.

"Deb, you need to put your hands to your sides or on your hips."

I reluctantly complied. I felt bared to the world as James looked me up and down.

"Turn around in a circle, and do it slowly."

I complied and strangely enough was feeling a little less anxious about standing naked in front of James.

"How are you feeling Deb?"

"To be honest I want to crawl out of my skin and hide."

"That's understandable considering where you are at mentally. But we will change that in the coming months. You definitely have nothing to be ashamed of. You are very pretty and have a great body."

"Uh ok, thanks."

Ok Deb, you just completed your first step. Well done! You can get dressed now and we'll move on to the next item. I'll be back in a minute or two."

James left the room and I quickly dressed, but felt a little remorse that I was no longer standing naked in front of him. That was a new sensation for me and I didn't quite know what to make of it. A few minutes later he returned and indicated that I should follow. We walked down the hall and entered a room with a nice recliner chair which faced a big screen TV. He stepped to a side door which appeared to be a bathroom.

"Right now we have something easy and pretty benign but you need to put some sensors on. Inside you will find a tray with the sensors and instructions for their placement. Once you're finished you can come back out and have a seat in the recliner. Any questions?"

I shook my head no and stepped into the bathroom closing the door behind me. There on a sterile tray were a number of devices with instructions sitting nearby which I picked up and began to read. They noted that the instrumentation wouldn't work properly under clothing so it was necessary to disrobe and there was a gown provided. I laughed out loud. Who says "disrobe" anymore? Then it hit me and I got nervous. Why did I have to take my clothes off? I read further and found out why. It said that all the items were wireless instruments designed to read various biological reactions. One of the items was a self-adhesive circular pad which was to be placed covering the left areola. A second smaller patch was to be placed on my center sternum. The third item was a little more disconcerting. It was egg-shaped, but smaller, had an attached retrieval pull-string, with a packet of personal lubricant for my convenience. I stood and stared at the tray and the gown for what felt like an eternity. Part of me wanted to run but another part felt a little flicker of excitement. What the hell! I shrugged my shoulders and for a second time in less than an hour I was taking off my clothes.

The self-adhesive pads were easy to put on and I hardly noticed they were there. The little egg thing was more of a challenge and even though I had used the personal lubricant I was having a hard time getting it in. It was less than two fingers in diameter so it should have gone in easily but it didn't. I guess I was nervous. I had to make a concerted effort to relax my vagina and I used my fingers to stretch myself a bit. Finally after a few deep breaths it slid in. The retrieval string made it look like I was wearing a tampon. Probably the most expensive and technologically advanced tampon in history, I chuckled to myself. I slipped into the gown and tied it at the back, trying to make sure there were no gaps, and checked myself in the mirror. The person that stared back at me looked somehow different, not bad, just different. And no it wasn't because of the examination gown!

Opening the door I gingerly stepped out of the bathroom. James had his back to me, doing something on a computer.

"Have a seat in the recliner Deb and I'll be with you in a sec. There's a special pair of glasses on the table there. Go ahead and put them on."

I did as instructed and sat down as modestly as I could. The chair was very comfy but the glasses were weird. The frame across the top was heavy with two glowing lights in the corners. There was a bottle of water on the table so I opened it and took a sip while I waited. In just a few minutes James finished up and turned to me.

"Well everything is ready to go. I assume you are probably wondering what's going on. It's very simple really. The sensors pick up body responses and transmit them to the computer and the glasses track your eye movements. In a few seconds there will be photos, and movie clips that will display on the screen and the program will track and analyze your responses. Afterwards it will compile a report for me that we will use to customize your program."

"Thanks James. I am very curious about these sensors and what they do."

"Oh sure, pretty simple really. The one on your sternum measures body temp, heartbeat, respirations, and electrical changes on your skin. The one on your breast measures changes in skin tension of your areola and erection of your nipple. The one in your vagina senses moisture changes, tissue engorgement, and vaginal wall tension. It's how we figure out what you like and don't like, even when you don't even know yourself. Does that make sense?"

"Yes I guess so. But one other thing. Isn't it standard practice for doctors to have chaperones in the room when there are female patients 'disrobing'?

James laughed and smiled.

"Deb, first of all I'm not a medical doctor, and secondly you do realize that part of what I do is function as a sex surrogate? That means that if circumstances require it we will be having sex. It then follows that chaperones would be completely redundant wouldn't they?"

I couldn't answer and my only response was to blush. He looked at me amusedly and glanced at the computer.

"Well now I know the equipment is working just fine so no need for a test. Please just sit back and watch the images. If you need to use the restroom just get up and go. The system will pause automatically. I'll be back once everything is complete which will take about an hour. Any questions?"