It was such a hurried exodus. He set our few hastily gathered belongings down on the shining floorboards and I let my kittens out of their cramped carrier to investigate their new surroundings. They were mewling pitifully in their unwelcome confinement. We both stood in silence in the center of the cavernous room of wood and stone. It felt like the honeymoon was well and truly over. It was not until then I began to cry. He did not turn to me, he did not comfort me, he just stood like a statue looking out across the lake, his gray gaze far away.
"Quiet!"
His sudden outburst sent me scudding to the floorboards at his feet. My crying dissolved into fear. I cowered before him, I had so much to confess, and no courage or voice to do so. Not after this, I couldn't.
"I think we might move," he said.
I did not answer, move here, or somewhere else? He was thinking hard, anyone could see the worry and agitation etched into his features at this new, unexpected turn of events.
We spent the night in the grip of silence, he sat poking at the hot coals in the fireplace absently. Though he was not cold he had lit it for my comfort. I was next to him wrapped in no more than a thick blanket, it felt like old times. Suki was in my lap purring, a comfort. It was better not to speak, I kept glancing at his stoic visage, his skin broken and swollen, he looked like a victorious savage returned fresh from the battlefield. I was worried he needed more than just ice and a washcloth, and I wondered over Frej's state as well. This was crazy, this feud between brothers had gone beyond anything I had dreamed.
His phone, he answered reluctantly, he was having difficulty talking through his broken lips. His father, it could be no one else. He did not say much in explanation of the violent afternoon, skillfully turning the family crisis aside in favor of work. I knew the company was racing on some projects to be in a better position over the winter months. To my surprise just before his parting goodbye to his father he said. "Disown him." I felt cold as he hung up, as though I had been present at the declaration of a death warrant.
I rose to get more ice, it was easing the swelling. Suki was most indignant at being displaced from my lap.
Mr Eriksen senior couldn't, he wouldn't, would he?
I returned and was pressing the ice to his face, his eyes were closed.
What would happen now
I wondered?
The fire had burned low but was still radiating welcome heat, I was almost too hot shrouded in my blanket. I eased it from my shoulders a little, and he watched me do so. Eyes on me he turned and took up one of the ice cubes I had in the washcloth between his finger and thumb. He touched my heated skin in the cleft between my breasts, the ice bit like fire and melted on contact with my flesh. The resultant water trickled down my skin. A gasp as he traced the frigid item lower to my belly, then lower still. He lingered on my clit, I was whimpering but had learned it was inadvisable to pull away. Intense feelings drowning out all else, then he pushed the ice cube up inside me and held it in place while it melted, and the water trickled down my inner thighs.
I was on my knees my mouth in a surprised O, he smiled looking all the consummate villain with his split lips and bruised and cut visage. That very same smile hurt him, but it was genuine nonetheless. He was the balance between ruthless and kind, I had never met another man quite like him. He was Frej, yet he was infinitely more refined.
He leaned forward, and as he did so he withdrew his invading finger, the ice cube had mostly melted away yet the frozen sensation lingered.
"None will have you Lidia, but I." Frej's words, yet they were not so cheap. After this afternoon I knew he meant it, and he was not afraid to act on what he had freely boasted.
His hands parted the blanket, his mouth seeking my nipples. My face was buried in his long hair, his scent, the essence of him in my nostrils. I put my arms over his strong shoulders and about his bull neck, my fingers tangling in his golden locks. Long moments passed and after much teasing pleasure, he raised his face to meet mine. He cupped my face in his powerful hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs in deep loving regard. He kissed me then, and I could taste the traces of blood on his breath and his tongue. He bore me to the floor and took me with great gusto where I lay, lavishing me with more kisses. I held on to him clawing at his back, emitting moans of sweet pleasure mingled with pain and joy.
*****
I have changed everything, with one foolish action. It can never be the same, I will confess it here, and yes I am guilty as charged. I broke the trust, I injured Master Svend, as he has injured me. In my blind quest to satisfy my own childish fancy, I think I have tainted all the good I may have had. This is what I did, and looking back on it I am deeply ashamed...........
It's dark, past midnight, he has long ago fallen to sleep. I have left the bed and he is oblivious. I pull on my clothes and quietly leave the house, first I go to the back garden the place where I kneel and bare myself before the Goddess just as I have seen him do. I tell her my troubles, I make my prayers, I hope she hears them. I incline my head and leave to go to the front of his home and I walk along the street.
There are few streetlights here, the tendrils of winter are already reaching into my bones. Winter is almost on me and digging into the landscape of my soul. I am bitter and quite lost in a sea of defeat, bad thoughts crowd into my mind. I've done it once and I realize with a terrible clarity I can do so again, it is not hard to stop living. I have memorized the way, I go to him like a sacrifice. The one man who can understand all that which I am. The man who has made me, me. He and I are two failures together, I no longer care what he does.
Five minutes to drive, much longer to walk and think on the cold dark streets. A car passes by me slowly approaching from behind, I want it gone from my presence I feel so much better alone, anonymous in the dark. I watch the retreating cherry red of its taillights and it is gone from view. All I can think of is blood.
