I lay in the bed curled into a fetal position, my head shoved as far into the headboard as I could manage. I hate letting Him see my face when I feel like this.
"What are you DOING?" He roared.
I can't blame Him for being frustrated. This happens often, me panicking and shutting down rather than listening. I can't help it, though I know He sometimes thinks I'm doing it on purpose, to be difficult. He is a gentle, kind Master. He has never punished me physically and only sent me away from Him as a punishment a few times. I hated those times, often thinking they were worse than anything physical He could ever inflict. I love Him more than anything in the world, worship Him with my whole heart. I can't survive without Him and when we are separated I feel as though I am ripped in two, with Him holding the larger, more functional half of me.
He has never punished me physically because at the beginning of our relationship I asked Him not to. I craved-needed- a Master/slave relationship but a lifetime of abusive relationships has left me emotionally scarred. This leaves Him frustrated when after almost two years I get nearly as afraid as I did in the beginning- though He's never harmed me. He has put a lot of work into mending my mind and I know he finds it insulting I still behave this way despite His best efforts. I desperately want to please Him but find it impossible to change. I don't know what's wrong with me. However, recently, I realized that the thing I feared most was Him leaving me (permanently)- not physical punishment and had asked Him in a six page love letter to begin punishing me. I have a hard time talking about my feelings so I poured as much as I could into writing instead. My hopes are to complete our Master/slave dynamic and become the best slave I can be for Him, putting all this bad behaviour behind once and for all.
"I told you to find my tie." He said quietly, but I could hear his voice was seething.
I lay there, motionless, panic running through my body and mind. I tried to focus on breathing but instead a pins and needles feeling running from my toes to the top of my head distracted me. I find that I am unable to follow His request, my panic rendering me frozen. Oh how I hated these times. I wonder if this will be the first time He punishes me for my disobedience. Strangely, I look forward to that first time as I feel the need to grow, to be a better slave, before He really does leave me. One can only take so much of me, I'm sure.
I tried to get up, to listen, but the panic had me frozen in place. As I tried to will myself to move I felt the pins and needles feeling get stronger and move up and down my body faster.
"Go find. My tie." He managed to clip out as calmly as he could.
I tried to speak. To tell Him I couldn't move. But my vocal cords were just as frozen as the rest of my body, as always. "I--" was all I managed to choke out before I felt them freeze, stiffer this time, making it harder to breathe. I struggled to maintain some semblance of composure and cover my difficulty in breathing. Over time I've found the easiest way to do this is simply hold my breath- and I often do this without thinking now.
"He'd never believe you anyways!" A voice loudly sneers from the back of my mind.
"What?" He questions, then remains silent for a moment to give me a chance to speak. "If you don't get up right now and find my tie I will tear this whole house apart to find it." A promise I know He will make good on.
