It didn't start that way with Jessica. I think it would have been impossible to start our relationship in the form that it currently exists. Neither of us would have been ready, emotionally or intellectually, to trust the other in such a special way at first. It's difficult enough to talk in relationships, let alone about those sexual fantasies that titillate us so much that we feel they must be weird and unique. And I haven't even mentioned the relationship that Master and Jessica have. With a many-party relationship, there are many considerations to be made, and I think our success starts with structure.
When you go to work, you have a title and a responsibility. There are people over you, people under you, or at the least, people to whom you are held accountable. You have a role. In personal relationships, again, there are roles, and I think when we let society define those roles for us as our jobs define our work roles, we lose touch with our own needs and desires. We lose the ability to make ourselves happy, because we are too busy trying to fulfill expectations that don't really exist. Society doesn't really care that I consider myself owned property of my Husband and fuck toy of my boyfriend Jessica. Nothing I do is harmful to society, though I do try not to call too much attention to my preferences in the public sphere. I do want to keep my job, after all, and you can get fired for the stupidest shit.
In addition to structure, there is at least one other aspect that keeps life harmonious. Before we met Jessica, my Husband and I had been trying to learn how not to take things personally. This was a challenge for both of us, because we are so intimately involved in each others' lives, but it has made the relationship much easier to maintain in the long run. We've definitely made progress, but it is on on-going challenge, because the habits of a lifetime are hard to break. I do think it's more of a challenge for me though. After all, as His slave, I have a much more vested interest in His opinion that He has of mine.
Not that He doesn't pay attention to my opinions, it's just when it comes to decisions in our relationship, His is the only word. That is our structure of compromise. He decides, but I do get to advise and comment and make my arguments. I like it that way, because I tend to be rather less than ideally decisive. My mind branches out in so many directions, considering so many possible outcomes to a choice that I freeze up rather than decide. He, on the other hand, might make a decision very quickly without considering all the relevant ramifications, which is where my attention to detail comes in handy. He calls me His PDA sometimes, and I can't disagree with the description.
It's silly to me when compromise is taken to mean a 50/50 split. To me, compromise is about agreeing how to disagree while moving forward. A stand-off is no way to compromise, but a great way to end a relationship. These are almost the exact words I wrote on a message board a few years ago. My ideas got the attention of a local female with the username jsass. We proceeded to have a heated argument on the board. She didn't believe that anything I said would ever work. I responded to each of her rejoinders to the best of my ability, and tried really hard not to take any of her casual internet insults personally. I didn't succeed entirely, but I did manage to keep my end of the public exchange civil. She ended up taking heat for her vehemence against me, but despite her getting in trouble on the boards, she invited me out for coffee and I, with Master's permission, accepted.
When I first met Master in person, something clicked between us. It wasn't physical, more like meta-physical. Before I met Jessica, I thought that kind of thing happened once if you were lucky. Now I believe that if someone is worth the long term investment of time and emotion, you know it when you meet them. I've invested plenty of emotional time and energy over the years with various people, hoping to create that spark, but in my experience, it's either there or it isn't. You can't create it.
I was nervous for the coffee meeting, but not more than my normal 'new social situation' nervousness, so I mostly ignored it. Master walked with me to within a couple blocks of the coffee shop so we could spend time talking. I was chatty, but not really talking about anything. He allowed me to hug Him goodbye before we parted ways, and I savored His scent as we embraced. Then I squared my shoulders and headed off to meet my erstwhile online enemy.
She had sent me an email, after I accepted her invitation, describing how I would know her at the coffee shop. "I'll be the skinny blonde looking out of place," she had written. Surprisingly, that described her well enough for me to find her when I walked in. Of course, it helped that the coffee shop we had decided on tended to be empty. I don't know how it stays in business, but I rarely see other customers whenever I go there. That actually makes it a really great meeting place for Master and myself, but now I totally can't reveal where it is. Wouldn't want it to get unusefully popular, now would I?
She didn't look out of place as far as how she was dressed, but there was a definite sense about her that she felt out of place, or at least that's how I perceived her body language. She seemed ready to get up and leave at any moment, to flee. As if she were counting the seconds until she could reasonably say that I hadn't shown up on time. I ignored her as I got coffee, more to see what she would do than any sensible reason.
When I finished my coffee transaction, I turned to find her looking at me. She knew. I hadn't fooled her. I filed that information away, but of course, with so few customers, it isn't as if the guess was a difficult one.
She stood as I approached and held out her hand.
"Jessica," she said.
"Nice to meet you Jessica. I'm Tara."
We shook hands, and really, it was then that I knew this could be something more. Touching her hand with mine, I felt sparks, or current or something that electrified my spirit. I knew that she would be worth the time for me, and I wanted her to feel that I could be worth her time too.
Her hand was warm, dry and strong. Standing, she was about 5'8" wearing flat shoes. I knew I'd be dwarfed by her if I weren't wearing three inch heeled sandals. I had a moment of intimidation at seeing how skinny she really was, but I've learned to love my body's curves too much to really covet a flat stomach. Or so I tell myself.
We sat in big cushy armchairs that cornered each other. I got the ball rolling by immediately tossing it to her, a technique that I find both cheaterly and effective.
"So, what made you decide to invite me to coffee?" I asked, keeping my tone light, teasing. I didn't want to scare her away. I wanted to hook her and reel her in. Is it wrong to think of a person like that? Maybe it's just wrong not to admit how we interact with people every day as predator, prey, and bait.
"I didn't think you were real, mostly," she replied, eyes sliding away when mine sought contact. "I still don't think that your ideas work in the real world. Why would anyone want to cede their rights to another person's decision making? I don't understand it."
"But you want to understand it?"
"Yes. It bugs me." Jessica agitatedly swept her bangs out of her face. They were so long, she was either growing them out or just didn't bother with haircuts very often. The rest of her hair was tied back in a tail. An old t-shirt and worn jeans matched her flat all purpose athletic type shoes, but the overall look was careless. Her face was lovely to me. I know my tastes aren't universal, based on whom the media finds attractive versus my personal tastes, but the clean lines and strong bones of her face looked just right to my eyes. When I finally got a good look at her eyes, I could see they were hazel. She reminded me of a young skater boy type. And I've always had a thing for girls with a bit of dykiness to them.
"Then I'll try to explain it, but I don't know if I'll be able to convince you of anything other than my own insanity."
She grinned at that. "I'm already convinced you're insane Tara."
"Well then, my job is done," I joked. "Seriously though, my decision to cede my decision-making powers to my Husband gives me quite a lot of freedom, and is an integral part of my happiness. I have a hard time making decisions, whereas He is quite good at it."
"I've read that line," she sighed. "I know why you claim to feel and do the things that you do. What I want to know is why? What made you, you in particular, choose this life?"
I sat for a moment to think about my response. I decided to give an honest answer, even though I felt that this would forever brand me in anyone's eyes as an untouchable freak. On some level, I agreed with her incredulity, because on some level I could hardly believe that I was living the life that I was. But I couldn't argue with results, and the results of my life have been so much more positive with Master than before Him.
