In the middle...
"Get up on the table," ordered my wife. Stifling a sigh and a protest - I knew it would prove useless - I complied.
In the beginning...
I drink, sometimes a lot. Not a big deal, I don't drive drunk and I only booze it up on weekends, so it's never been a problem. In fact, my wife is usually keeping right up with me.
Last weekend, the two of us hosted a party celebrating our anniversary. About 20 or so people turned up, about the amount of friends you'd expect a couple in their late 30s to have.
The wine - and tequila, rum, vodka and scotch - were flowing like a river in flood, and I was feeling no pain. About 11 pm, so I'm told, is when I had my first flaming Dr. Pepper. For those who don't know, as opposed to those of us who cannot say no, a flaming Dr. Pepper is a drink that involves 151 proof Bacardi rum and fire, dropped into a beer. I usually leave the shots that require coordination to the younger crowd, but for some reason, I was feeling my oats.
Ten hours later, my arch enemy, daylight, attacked from the east bay window as I awoke with my tongue cleaving to the roof of my mouth as if I'd brushed with peanut butter. My head felt swollen, my hands shook and if I could have carved my stomach from my body, I'd glady have done so.
I took in my surroundings. They were familiar, yet unusual.
My wife and I live in a semi-sprawling ranch-style home, meaning there's only one level. That always worked out well, because no matter how inebriated my wife, guests or myself become, there's always someone to make sure that everybody gets to a bedroom.
But lying in my empty living room looking down at my Florsheim clad feet resting on a sofa cushion, I knew something unusual must have happened.
Unfortunately, I was right.
"Cocksucker!"
Seeing as how my wife and I usually stuck with traditional favorites like "Good morning," I sensed trouble.
Standing above me Wearing her thin, emerald-green kimono-style bathrobe, my wife elaborated.
"Motherfucking cocksucker!"
Intrigued, I reached up with one hand and unstuck my left eyelid, which improved my focus, if not my outlook, considerably.
One of the reasons I married my wife 17 years ago is that she looks even better in the morning that she does at night. And if you don't think that's rare, you haven't spent enough time in dim bars with heavily made-up women.
She's slight, about 5-3, 105 pounds, with brown hair, tiny breasts and - still - the roundest most heartbreakingly beautiful ass I've ever come across, on or in. In the light of this fine morning, she looked gorgeous, but pissed. So very pissed.
It took me three tries to find my voice, but once I did, it was like I'd never lost it.
"And a good cocksucker to you, baby," I rasped, easily making a bad situation worse. "How are you today."
"Oh, I'm fine. But then again, I'm not the one with an unsightly bite mark on my left asscheek."
I felt my ass through my wool slacks, confused. All felt normal.
"Cocksucker!" She was regressing. "Not your ass, Kay's."
I blanched, or I think I blanched. Having no mirror, it was tough to tell.
"Kay's?"
"Kay's," she confirmed.
I didn't really want to know, but with all signs pointing in that direction - south, I guess, would be the direction - I felt I had little choice. I felt trapped. I felt the flaming Dr. Peppers rising.
"Me?"