It all started because I needed a place to land after my sister and her husband kicked me out.
Lucy put it quite delicately, "Frankly Jezi, Derrick is sick of your lazy shit and wants you off our couch." Then she shoved a wad of crumpled bills into my hand and closed the front door. I had just lost my job the week before as a hostess at Applebee's and had nothing to my name but an old beat up duffle bag that Lucy had taken the time to throw onto the stained Astro turf. I stood in the rain in front of my sister's trailer and silently begged her to open the door, pleading that she would give me more time. I could hear the soft sound of the television laugh tract and the closing of kitchen cabinets. Dinner time. Today was Saturday, she and Derrick would be having pot pies on TV trays.
I threw my duffle bag over my shoulder and headed out into the gray evening. The past year had been tough. After my father passed away, I had a hard time focusing on my classes and ended up losing my scholarship. I moved in my sister, Lucy and her newlywed husband with a promise it would be a short term thing... But then I could not hold down a job. Over the past several months, I bounced around as a bank teller, pet groomer, restaurant hostess...
I pulled my thin jacket tighter around me as the winter rain turned to snow. I shivered as I trudged along the narrow dirt road, hoping a Good Samaritan would drive by and offer me a ride, a meal... a warm place to stay.
My bag grew heavy as the sky grew black and I wondered what Lucy packed. I did not have much, a couple of pairs of jeans and some tops. My most prized possession was my book of poems by Edgar Allen Poe. His words raced along inside my head, swirling around and around until I no longer cared about the painful numbness in my fingers and toes...
From childhood's hour I have not been as others were;
I have not seen as others saw;
I could not bring my passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken my sorrow;
I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone
.
I approached a paved road, the soft glow from the street lights seemed to welcome me into town while illuminating the crystal flakes that overwhelmed the nighttime air. I could see Larry's Bookstore was still open, his broken neon sign blinked, beckoning me.
I closed the door tightly, dropped my bag to the floor and shook off the snow that had settled itself into my dark hair. Larry looked up from his newspaper, over his glasses, and gave me a quizzical look.
"What on earth are you doing out on a night like this?"
I smiled quickly then dropped my eyes to the floor. I knew if I looked back up I would start crying. Larry had been a family friend for as long as I remember. He and his wife were close friends with my father, they had always been there to lend a hand, a shoulder, a dollar or two.
Larry stepped around the counter and sighed as he stood in front of me.
"You look like you could use something warm to eat. I was just about to order some pizza. How about if you join me, my treat? You know how I hate to eat alone."
Still looking down, I nodded, grateful that Larry was not one for getting involved in other people's messes.
"Why don't you go to the bathroom to wash up and I will order us a couple of hot pies."
I nodded again and glanced up with slight smile then headed to the bathroom. Once the door closed, I dropped to the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked myself as I silently cried. I truly had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. After several minutes, there was a quiet knocking on the door.
"Are you okay Jezi? The pizza is here..."
I wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my wet jacket. "I am fine Larry, I will be right out, just changing into something dry."
I opened my bag to see if Lucy had at least packed some clothes. I was lucky; she stuffed two pairs of jeans, three shirts, and a toothbrush into the bag along with several books containing Edgar Allen Poe's greatest works and my collection of Poems by Walt Whitman, all good things to lug around when one is without shelter. I changed into a pair a jeans and a red lace top. Not really appropriate when one is planning on crashing under a bridge or in dark alley, but it was the best option. I quickly wiped away what was left of my mascara, pulled my long hair back into a ponytail, and leaned into the mirror. I studied my hazel eyes and long lashes and made a promise to myself, "You will not cry, you will not surrender to this..." I put on my fake, protective smile, and stepped out into the bookstore.
The pizza was there along with two plates and a couple of cokes.
"I hope regular Coke is okay, you are too thin as it is." He casually smiled while handing me a plate with two large slices of pepperoni pizza.
"Thanks Larry, this smells really good. I have not eaten all day."
I took the plate and stood at the counter, watching him as he took a seat at his computer. We ate in silence, me studying the grease stains on my paper plate and him focusing on the monitor. I did not want Larry to know the trouble I was having, I knew it would only disappoint him and make him feel responsible, like he had to 'fix' it. He had enough to worry about, with his business barely making a profit and his wife dealing with the disabling effects of Multiple Sclerosis. This was my problem and I knew I could handle it. After I finished my two pieces, I cleared my throat.
"Larry, would you mind if I checked my email on your computer? I am supposed to work later... I was told to check my email for my schedule."
"Sure, go right ahead. I need to lock up anyway, need to get Janie her medications from the pharmacy before they close."
I watched Larry as he walked to the front door and then quickly searched Craigslist for available housing options. I had not counted how much money Lucy had given me, but I was sure it was not enough to provide a motel room or rent money. No, I needed something cheap and quick. As luck would have it there was one listing:
Are you a Homeless Female - Need a place to stay?
I sent an email and waited. I had to stall. Anxiously, I tapped my foot and watched as Larry pretended to busy himself at the cash register. He called his wife and spoke in hushed sentences while glancing up at me from time to time. He hung up and cleared his throat.
"Well Jezi, I hate to kick you out, back into the snow, but I really have to get going. The pharmacy is closing soon and Janie needs her pills."
"I understand Larry. I am sorry this is taking so long. For whatever reason, my email will not load." I lied, hoping to buy myself a couple of needed seconds. In a flash a response arrived:
I will pick you up at the old Shell station on Highway 17 in an hour. Do not be late.
"Just in time, looks like I am working tonight," I said feeling relieved. "Thanks for the pizza Larry, it really hit the spot. And thanks too for the computer, it is next to impossible to get an internet signal at Lucy's."
