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It all started because I needed a place to land after my sister and her husband kicked me out.

Lucy put it quite delicately, "Frankly Jezi, Derrick is sick of your lazy shit and wants you off our couch." Then she shoved a wad of crumpled bills into my hand and closed the front door. I had just lost my job the week before as a hostess at Applebee's and had nothing to my name but an old beat up duffle bag that Lucy had taken the time to throw onto the stained Astro turf. I stood in the rain in front of my sister's trailer and silently begged her to open the door, pleading that she would give me more time. I could hear the soft sound of the television laugh tract and the closing of kitchen cabinets. Dinner time. Today was Saturday, she and Derrick would be having pot pies on TV trays.

I threw my duffle bag over my shoulder and headed out into the gray evening. The past year had been tough. After my father passed away, I had a hard time focusing on my classes and ended up losing my scholarship. I moved in my sister, Lucy and her newlywed husband with a promise it would be a short term thing... But then I could not hold down a job. Over the past several months, I bounced around as a bank teller, pet groomer, restaurant hostess...

I pulled my thin jacket tighter around me as the winter rain turned to snow. I shivered as I trudged along the narrow dirt road, hoping a Good Samaritan would drive by and offer me a ride, a meal... a warm place to stay.

My bag grew heavy as the sky grew black and I wondered what Lucy packed. I did not have much, a couple of pairs of jeans and some tops. My most prized possession was my book of poems by Edgar Allen Poe. His words raced along inside my head, swirling around and around until I no longer cared about the painful numbness in my fingers and toes...

From childhood's hour I have not been as others were;

I have not seen as others saw;

I could not bring my passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken my sorrow;

I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone

.

I approached a paved road, the soft glow from the street lights seemed to welcome me into town while illuminating the crystal flakes that overwhelmed the nighttime air. I could see Larry's Bookstore was still open, his broken neon sign blinked, beckoning me.

I closed the door tightly, dropped my bag to the floor and shook off the snow that had settled itself into my dark hair. Larry looked up from his newspaper, over his glasses, and gave me a quizzical look.

"What on earth are you doing out on a night like this?"

I smiled quickly then dropped my eyes to the floor. I knew if I looked back up I would start crying. Larry had been a family friend for as long as I remember. He and his wife were close friends with my father, they had always been there to lend a hand, a shoulder, a dollar or two.

Larry stepped around the counter and sighed as he stood in front of me.

"You look like you could use something warm to eat. I was just about to order some pizza. How about if you join me, my treat? You know how I hate to eat alone."

Still looking down, I nodded, grateful that Larry was not one for getting involved in other people's messes.

"Why don't you go to the bathroom to wash up and I will order us a couple of hot pies."

I nodded again and glanced up with slight smile then headed to the bathroom. Once the door closed, I dropped to the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked myself as I silently cried. I truly had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. After several minutes, there was a quiet knocking on the door.

"Are you okay Jezi? The pizza is here..."

I wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my wet jacket. "I am fine Larry, I will be right out, just changing into something dry."

I opened my bag to see if Lucy had at least packed some clothes. I was lucky; she stuffed two pairs of jeans, three shirts, and a toothbrush into the bag along with several books containing Edgar Allen Poe's greatest works and my collection of Poems by Walt Whitman, all good things to lug around when one is without shelter. I changed into a pair a jeans and a red lace top. Not really appropriate when one is planning on crashing under a bridge or in dark alley, but it was the best option. I quickly wiped away what was left of my mascara, pulled my long hair back into a ponytail, and leaned into the mirror. I studied my hazel eyes and long lashes and made a promise to myself, "You will not cry, you will not surrender to this..." I put on my fake, protective smile, and stepped out into the bookstore.

The pizza was there along with two plates and a couple of cokes.

"I hope regular Coke is okay, you are too thin as it is." He casually smiled while handing me a plate with two large slices of pepperoni pizza.

"Thanks Larry, this smells really good. I have not eaten all day."

I took the plate and stood at the counter, watching him as he took a seat at his computer. We ate in silence, me studying the grease stains on my paper plate and him focusing on the monitor. I did not want Larry to know the trouble I was having, I knew it would only disappoint him and make him feel responsible, like he had to 'fix' it. He had enough to worry about, with his business barely making a profit and his wife dealing with the disabling effects of Multiple Sclerosis. This was my problem and I knew I could handle it. After I finished my two pieces, I cleared my throat.

"Larry, would you mind if I checked my email on your computer? I am supposed to work later... I was told to check my email for my schedule."

"Sure, go right ahead. I need to lock up anyway, need to get Janie her medications from the pharmacy before they close."

I watched Larry as he walked to the front door and then quickly searched Craigslist for available housing options. I had not counted how much money Lucy had given me, but I was sure it was not enough to provide a motel room or rent money. No, I needed something cheap and quick. As luck would have it there was one listing:

Are you a Homeless Female - Need a place to stay?

I sent an email and waited. I had to stall. Anxiously, I tapped my foot and watched as Larry pretended to busy himself at the cash register. He called his wife and spoke in hushed sentences while glancing up at me from time to time. He hung up and cleared his throat.

"Well Jezi, I hate to kick you out, back into the snow, but I really have to get going. The pharmacy is closing soon and Janie needs her pills."

"I understand Larry. I am sorry this is taking so long. For whatever reason, my email will not load." I lied, hoping to buy myself a couple of needed seconds. In a flash a response arrived:

I will pick you up at the old Shell station on Highway 17 in an hour. Do not be late.

"Just in time, looks like I am working tonight," I said feeling relieved. "Thanks for the pizza Larry, it really hit the spot. And thanks too for the computer, it is next to impossible to get an internet signal at Lucy's."

I put on my wet coat, grabbed my bag, and closed the door behind me. The snow greeted me by pelting me in the face again and again while the wind blew and fought with the broken zipper on my coat. I kept my head down and plowed through, cutting the air with my desperation. He said,

do not be late

, yet the abandoned Shell station was more than a couple of miles. Back into the darkness onto the unpaved dirt road, away from the warm yellow glow of the street lights, away from the safety of Larry's Bookstore...

I shuddered and shook, wet from the weather. The temperature continued to fall as the one hour stretched into two and then to three. I huddled next to a cement wall, which provided a barrier from the wind and snow. I crouched down low and blew damp breath into my frozen hands. The falling snow seemed to muffle the nighttime air so that the only sound was that of the wind whipping through the leafless branches. Crouching, waiting in the darkness, reminded me of my favorite Walt Whitman poem, only I was the spider

I am the noiseless patient spider,

mark'd where on a little promontory I stood isolated,

Mark'd how to explore the vacant vast surrounding,

I launch'd forth filament, filament, filament, out of myself,

Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you O my soul where you stand,

Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,

Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,

Till the bridge you will need be form'd, till the ductile anchor hold,

Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

As snow collected in my hair and my hands turned blue, I began to give up hope that the merciful stranger would come at all. I was truly abandoned and was ready to succumb when I saw them in the distance, two faint beams of light searching the darkness, hopefully coming for me, to take me... home.

I stood as the car stopped in front of me. He opened the door and stepped out. The snow crunched beneath his steps as he approached me and took my bag. He said nothing while he placed my bag in his trunk then returned to me and said, "Get in." I was so grateful to be warm, to have the heater on high, and to see the giant flakes careen against the glass as he headed north, further away from the glowing street lamps and Larry's kindness.

Still shivering, I cautiously glanced at him.

"Thanks for responding to my email, I did not know what I was going to do tonight. It is really miserable out here."

He said nothing, just stared ahead into the darkness. He looked to be around mid-50s with short salt and pepper hair. Even though he was wearing a long wool overcoat, I could tell he was strong, in good shape, with large hands. I watched as he gripped the wheel. The tension was thick as his silence continued. I wanted to say something, anything to fill the space between us.

"My name is Jezebel, but my friends call me Jezi..."

Still nothing but black silence. My mind was racing and my internal voice was screaming,

what had I walked into...I should have talked to Larry, but my pride, my stupid pride was always in the way

...

When he finally stopped the car, we were parked in front of a small brick house. He stepped out and walked to the front door. He opened it and stood under the awning, waiting for me to join him. Nervously, I stepped out to meet him.

"Can I get my bag from your trunk?" I asked tentatively.

"Go inside," he said. He clenched his jaw as he stared, locking his eyes on me.

I jumped and without hesitation I stepped into a dimly lit foyer. He closed the door and locked it. The quiet click only served to remind me how separate I was from the rest of the world.

"Take off your coat and shoes," he directed.

He stood behind me and waited while I stepped out of my wet shoes and slipped off my jacket.

"Now turn around and face me, I want to see what I am getting out of this deal."

I turned around slowly as I bit my lip, afraid of what I was trading for shelter. His blue eyes locked on mine and I could feel anxiety burn through my stomach and bubble up into my throat. Everything in me screamed to run, but I remained glued to that spot.

"Now take off your shirt."

I unbuttoned each button slowly while staring back at his looming glare. I handed him my top and attempted to cover my wet bra with my arms.

"Put your arms down and take off your bra."

I took a deep breath and undid each hook. The straps fell from my shoulders, exposing my pink, erect nipples. I shivered, both from the cold and from the fear of what he might do to me.

"Now your jeans. You should know I deplore pants on women and from now on, while you are here with me, you will only wear what I leave out for you."

I handed him my jeans.

"Now your panties."

I stood naked in front of his watchful gaze. His eyes traced up and down my body.

"Turn around."

"You have a nice firm body, large breasts, round ass, and a nicely trimmed bush. Seems like you have not been on the street for long."

He dropped my clothes to the floor and leaned in. He was tall, at least a foot taller than me. He pulled the ponytail ring from my hair, allowing it to fall onto my shoulders, and inhaled deeply. "No, you have definitely have not been on the streets for long."

I fought every instinct to pull away from him. I cinched my eyes shut, held my breath, and willed my galloping heartbeat to slow down. When I opened my eyes, he was in front of me, hanging up his coat. I bent down to retrieve my clothes, both to hold on to something that was mine and to provide myself with s small layer of privacy under his intimidating stare.

"Leave your clothes on the floor and follow me. I will run a bath for you."

Obediently, I left everything on the floor and followed him. He led me through the dark living room into a narrow hallway. He turned on the light after entering the bedroom then walked through to the bathroom. I noted one double-sized bed and a small closet, not much room for a roommate, luckily I did not have much to move in. I followed him into the bathroom. He had already turned on the water and was filling the bathtub. On the counter was a folded, white, fluffy towel.

"Go ahead and get in, take all the time you want...we have all night." He smiled and his blue eyes flashed as though he knew some precarious secret I was not yet privy to, then closed the door.

I sank into the hot water and placed a wet washcloth over my face. I tried to relax, I tried to calm the scary scenes that were flashing through my mind. Obviously, this was not a regular roommate situation and I knew he was expecting a lot more than just cooking and cleaning...

His silence was threatening, his glare was dangerous, something I had not considered when I answered his ad. When I was outside in the frigid air, surrounded by snow and wind, succumbing was easy, just give up and let your soul go. But surrendering to another person, resisting the urge to fight back, to fight at all...That was something entirely different.

The water was luxurious, relaxing the ache out of my cramped muscles. The warm heat reminded me of my father and the time he took Lucy and me to the beach. The white sun hung in the clear blue sky while the warm breeze offered little reprieve from the humid air. He allowed me to stand in the water, but only up to my knees and clutched my small hand tightly while he watched Lucy bounce and bobble through the waves. As the warm Atlantic waves lapped at my thighs I squeezed his hand tighter. He glanced down at me and smiled and said, "It's okay Baby Girl, I got you."

I sank deeper into the water so that I was completely submerged and blew small air bubbles...

I got you Baby Girl, I got you...I got you ... Baby Girl...

I miss him...

The water was cool when I finally decided to deal with what awaited me on the other side of the closed door. After drying off and towel drying my hair, I wrapped the towel around myself and opened the door. I stood at the doorway and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I could hear his breathing and could make out his dark figure in bed, sitting up against the backboard.

"Take off the towel and come to bed."

I sighed, silently questioning myself and this moment of truth, could I really barter sex for shelter? Thinking about the icy conditions outside, the answer seemed simple. Cautiously, I approached the bed and dropped the towel to the floor before climbing under the covers. His body tensed and he squeezed his hand into a fist.

"Get up and fold my towel. I do not appreciate my things being taken for granted."

I jumped up and folded his towel and placed in on the nightstand.

"I'm sorry," I said then tentatively slid under the covers, hoping to not cause him to become angrier with me. My fear kept my breaths shallow and measured and my muscles tense. I lay on my side, facing away from him, hoping he would take pity on me or grow bored and allow me to sleep.

I could hear a clock ticking in the next room. The seconds announcing their departure one after another, after another, until the sound of ticking overwhelmed the room.

I felt his weight shift as he turned his body towards me. He placed his hand on my hip then moved his fingers over my waist and up to my breast.

"You know why I offered to let you stay here? Why I offered to pick you up tonight?" he asked while tracing the outline of my nipple before pinching it.

"No," I whispered, staring into the darkness. I clutched the blanket tightly and fought the instinct to run. In order to calm my anxious tremors, I tried to focus on the feelings of the beach, the warm water, the sun, to remind myself everything would be okay, that this nameless stranger would not kill me tonight.

In a flash, before I could resist, he was on top of me, rolling me onto my back, straddling me so that my arms were pinned at my sides. He slipped a silky mask over my face. The fabric stretched across my skin, keeping my hot breath trapped, until it burned and raped my throat, and struggled to break free...

His breath was against my ear.

"Because I like seeing gratitude. When I picked you up tonight in front of the gas station, your face lit up, like I was your savior. I think you would have fallen to your knees and sucked me dry if I wanted...I am willing to give you something no one else in the world will, and you know it. I want to see that gratitude. I want your eyes to light up, I want to see you smile, and I want you to WANT to please me, because, truth be told, your survival depends on me."

Gratitude. He was right. I had not expressed gratitude in years... since my mom left. She took our happy lives with her when she walked out on us...the same summer as our North Carolina vacation. I was three. Gratitude. I was so grateful for him, this nameless stranger who came out to find me and take me home.

"Now, are you going to show me how some appreciation?" he asked while pinching my nipples into tingling peaks. His hot breath moved down my throat to my breast. He nipped and bit at each nipple before taking each one between his lips. His tongue teased and tasted each one while his hands gripped and groped my breasts. I could feel his cock, rock hard, sitting on my chest, pulsing. I tried to remain still, tried to keep my breaths calm and quiet as my body betrayed me. The more he suckled and nursed, the more wet I became in the valley between my thighs.

He slid off me and stood on the side of the bed. I could hear him rustling around through the nightstand.

"Roll over," he said.

As soon as I rolled to my stomach he switched on a lamp. He took my arms and slipped a rope around each wrist, knotting my arms together so that my breasts stood out and my arms ached.

"Get up," he said while pulling the ends of rope.

I maneuvered as best I could as he pulled me up to standing.

"I think you will like kinbaku. I think, over time you will find it is quite relaxing. At least that is what I have heard."

Kinbaku? I had never heard of it, but guessed quickly that it had something to do with ropes and bondage. He brought the ropes around each breast, highlighting them, squeezing them, separating them from the rest of my body. He pulled the ropes tight and pushed me back against a wooden beam. He wound the rope around my waist, catching my wrists, so that I was held securely to the post. He dropped down and looped the ropes around each ankle then tied one to the post and lifted the other to a hook on the wall, closest to the window. I was wide open and on display.