Struggle

December 18. Two days short of her twenty eighth birthday.

Rina's head spun as she cracked open a tired eye. The bed was empty next to her. Sheets were still tangled around her feet, and her dry and cracked hands lay motionlessly by her head.

Early morning. Her stomach growled painfully, and Rina lifted one hand to shove into her belly. Her first movement for the day.

Her belly pulsated underneath her fist. Rain pelleted the windows and with a tired sigh of defeat the twenty year old pushed away the covers and climbed out into the cold room.

The baggy sweatpants hung around her hipbones, held up only by the too tightly tied strings. Thumbs poked out from the carefully cut holes of her long sleeves.

Padding quietly to the bathroom, a feeling of dread built in Rina's stomach. The growling returned with it.

She didn't bother to shut the door as she stripped from her sleep clothes. No one was home, and no one would be home for at least another day. Her Sir was coming home tomorrow afternoon, after a near month of absence for his job.

Rina knew she should've been delighted by the fact.

Instead, she felt sick.

The bones of her hips poked out against her scarred skin and the concave of her stomach was obvious. Ribs stuck out from malnutrition.

She didn't see any of it. A tired and angry smile played across her lips as she looked away from the mirror and stepped forward onto the scale by the toilet.

36. 42. 41. 35. 37. 36.4. 36.3. 36.3

36.3 kilograms.

A heavy shudder ran through Rina's body. It was from both delight and horror. Delight, because that was .4 kg lighter than she had been the night before. Horror, because her Sir would be home tomorrow and he had ordered - no, it had been closer to begged - her to not lose any weight while he was gone.

A month later, though, Rina was nearly 5 kilograms lighter. Her Sir had never given her many rules - he of all people knew how badly she reacted when given too many constraints - and she had disobeyed the most important one.

Yet, she didn't care. Rina couldn't even find it in herself to care, because she was skinnier and finally everything was going right.

She was snapped from her elated thoughts by the buzzing of her cell phone. Slowly, she turned and left the bathroom, still nude.

"Hello?" She murmured, holding the phone to her ear.

"Hey, darling." Rina's heart skipped a beat.

She let out a breath to calm herself. "Jason - good morning," she whispered, unable to stop herself from smiling.

He chuckled. "Miss me, baby?"

Rina nodded, then remembered that he couldn't see her and verbally responded, "Of course."

"I know that you need to get ready for work, so I won't keep you long," Rina sat down on the edge of the bed, phone still clutched against the side of her head, "I just wanted to let you know that I'll be home between one and two in the afternoon tomorrow."

Rina blinked. She was at work during those times.

"Ah . . . do you - " she paused, "do you wish for me to take tomorrow off?"

"No, no don't bother," Rina could almost hear his smile, "just go through the day normally."

"As you wish," Rina stifled a yawn and pressed her free hand into her belly when she felt it gurgling. She couldn't let him hear that.

"Ah, well, I'll let you go now - " Jason coughed on the other end, "make sure you make yourself a good breakfast, alright? I love you."

Rina's stomach knotted. It wasn't the hunger this time. "I love you too. See you tomorrow?"

"See you."

The line went dead.

Slowly, Rina lowered the phone onto the bed after closing the screen. She breathed a few times to calm herself before getting ready for work.

He wasn't going to be happy with her; no, he really wasn't.

-

The day was a blur for her. Pressing one pale hand against her head, she yawned tiredly as she walked through the halls.

Currently, she was doing her internship for her medical degree, and lord knew that it was taking a toll on her.

The day was robust for her. The check ups on the patients went according to protocol, and even they could tell that something was off with the young doctor in training.

Getting home made it more apparent for her, though.

It was only fifteen minutes past eleven when Rina unlocked the door to the apartment. She flicked the lights on and groaned when a burst of dizziness assaulted her.

She hadn't eaten all day. It wasn't unusual for her to go through the day without food, but this was the fifth day of her fast and it was taking a toll on her.

Immediately heading towards the kitchen, Rina opened the fridge and removed the water filter. After removing a large glass from the cupboard she poured the water to the top, before chugging it and refilling again.

After three full cups, she let out a heavy breath and nodded to herself. She was fine.

Placing the filter back in the fridge, Rina felt her stomach gurgle again.

Lord, she was hungry. No; beyond hungry. Her legs wobbled as she made her way into the living room and picked up the remote.

Of course, food commercials were on. She picked a random channel. It was the food channel.

Against her better judgment, Rina found herself watching it.

Forty minutes later, she was jogging through the streets towards the 24 hour Walmart. It was deserted inside and without even thinking Rina grabbed a basket and headed towards the isle she wanted.

Poptarts, cookies, chips, candies - all her favorite binge foods. Once she had gotten what she wanted from there, she went into the frozen section and picked out a bag of frozen pasta, a frozen pizza, and a small pint of ice cream.

She knew she was going to regret it.

Before heading to the check out, Rina swiped three of the generic laxative boxes from their place in the medical area.

Self checkout time.

She skipped properly scanning the laxatives, ditching them at the bottom of the bag and quickly placing the junk food on top to hide them. Thirty dollars of binge food.

Twenty minutes later she was back at home. Thirty minutes after that, wrappers were all around her and she was downing the laxatives without a second thought.

Last time she used them she had used thirty six. This time, she would use forty four.

Rina disposed of everything afterward and laid on the bed, feeling ill. Everything hurt.

She fell into a restless sleep. The first awakening was at four AM, and Rina barely made it to the bathroom in time. Her elbows dug into her stomach as her bowels wreaked havoc on her insides. Her head swirled and her fingers tingled.

Back into bed. An hour later, it repeated. Another hour. Two hours.

By seven AM Rina had simply chosen to stay in the bathroom. Her head was hot and she pressed it up against the cold marble of the bathtub.

I'm dying, She thought to herself, blinking dizzily. Barely managing to get to her feet, Rina stumbled into the kitchen and took out one of her water bottles. Her back was hunched as she filled the pink water bottle with ice and water, taking careful sips of the liquid.

It tasted like acid. It took all of her self control to remind herself that she needed the water and that she had gone through this before.

Eleven AM. It had been nearly twelve hours. Rina knew that she only had about fourteen more to go before everything would finally settle itself down.

Hazily, Rina remembered that Jason would be home later in the day. Panic set into her stomach, and before she knew it she was stumbling back into the bathroom and turning the knobs of the shower to the hottest setting.

The water scalded her skin but Rina couldn't find it in herself to care. Instead, her mind was in overdrive - she had fucked up and she knew it. Yet it was too late to do anything. She hadn't called in sick to work - but it wasn't like she could just show up in her state.

He would be mad; no, pissed. The thought of Jason - her Jason - being angry at her made her want to cry. The last time he had been angry at her - really angry - had been when Rina snuck in diet pills and lied about them to him. She had also been skipping her medicine at the time.

He had spanked her for it, and good lord had it hurt.

Rina knew that his anger would be worse this time.

And then, she started crying. She slid down against the wall of the shower, body shaking violently with sobs. Her stomach was gurgling and knotting itself up, and the pain only contributed to her sobs.

Before she knew it Rina was stumbling out of the shower, vision doubling and head pounding, her hand reaching for the bathroom mirror. She opened it, and removed the small blade resting on the stand. Her legs gave out from underneath her and she had to practically crawl onto the toilet, barely making it on before her bowels released themselves for what had to be the twentieth time that day.

Blood was running down her thighs seconds later. Tears blurred her vision and Rina stared shakily at the deep cuts she was forming. She had so many scars across her body that she doubted that a few more would make any difference in the end.

By the time her stomach had settled blood had accumulated in a small puddle underneath her. Her hand pressed down against the toilet flusher, and Rina grabbed clumsily for the dark brown towel hanging from the towel rack. She dropped it over the blood, ignoring the fuzzing in her body.

When she finished, she lay down on the tile, taking slow breaths to calm herself. She felt too weak to move. Too weak to get up, to turn of the shower . . . Rina just needed to rest. Then she could do it.

The water from the shower faded into the background, and without even realizing it Rina found her eyes slipping shut. The nausea was beginning to fade, finally. She could finally sleep.