Starting to Spin

Hmmm...where do I start? This is only the very beginning.

A night out with friends, seeing Black Crows live. I had a few drinks, a great time, some harmless flirting. Exhausted and content I climbed into the passenger seat for the hour-long ride back home. That's when it began - this journey into duality.

I never saw it coming. I wasn't even sure what was happening. I had no idea how this experience would shape my perspective on life and sex in so many ways. It started so simply...his hand reaching around the seat. In a car full of people, all but the two of us (and Sarah driving?) lulled into some pseudo sleep with the music blaring, too tired and full of adult beverages to hold a conversation.

He was in predator mode but I didn't understand the concept yet. I was innocently unaware. And I felt his hand on my arm. I felt him squeeze it roughly and pause for a second. Maybe he was testing me, gauging my reaction? I was frozen, one of many times to come. Then I felt his hand slide down my arm and under my shirt across my belly. Very sensually, his fingertips explored my tummy gently for a moment and then he pressed his entire hand hard onto my stomach. The whole thing is happening in a car full of friends and I am relieved to look around and realize they have no idea.

I don't stop him. I don't even try at first. I am not sure why I let it get that far. Physically it was happening in slow motion, in contrast my mind was racing. Replaying the last few hours, having a conversation in my mind, searching my memory for what I had missed, trying to figure out why he decided to start this, and why in the hell I was allowing it to progress.

My inner dialogue was going...Who the hell does he think he is? I never looked at him as a threat or felt any vibe coming from him. I flirted a bit (kind of what I do sometimes to entertain myself) but not exclusively with him. He is a kid. He is several years younger than I am, barely out of high school!! He is so presumptuous. I was getting myself worked up and annoyed with both of us!

I try to push him away gently - without drawing attention to either of us. His reaction catches me off guard. He makes it clear he is far stronger than I am and moves on as if he doesn't get the point. So I let him.

I could have stopped him. I could have said something out loud or taken more definitive action. But I didn't. I just let this near-stranger continue touching me. Irritated and tingling in equal measures. The conversations in my head race on, only they become less about his infuriating nerve and more about my own inner conflict. Why am I not stopping him? Why is my body betraying me? I know he can feel my heart pounding. I am embarrassed by my reaction to his touch and my lame efforts to stop him. I know I am not an easy target. I am so conflicted.

Then I feel his hand dip lower, slipping into my jeans. Slowly. I am still frozen. I am sure everyone in the car could hear my heart beat at this point of they listened. His fingers moving softly over my lower abdomen. Just brushing the top of my panties. I panic and instinctively squirm forward to move out of his reach.

His response is lightning fast, as if he had anticipated my reaction and knew exactly when it would come. His hand slid to my hip and pulled me back toward him, roughly pressing my back against the seat. He didn't hurt me then but the contrast was frightening; soft, sensual one moment - aggressive, rough and demanding my compliance the next.

The message was clear. If I was going to stop him I had better be ready to commit to it. By this point his hand was back in my pants. Not nearly as slowly or gently as before. If I made a scene then it would be clear to everyone in the car I was at least partially willing. It would be obvious I let him put his hand into my panties before complaining. So (at a loss) I let him do as he wished . He didn't go much further that night. And suddenly we were home.

Everyone went there separate ways completely unaware. He made no indication there was anything going on between us. He looked directly at me, seemed a little self satisfied, and politely said good night. He made no effort to follow me home.

I told myself it wasn't over entirely. I would set him straight later. I was so frustrated with myself for letting this boy I didn't even know outplay me. Huge blow to my ego!! Worse yet, my body seriously betrayed me - it was the most exciting pseudo-sexual experience of my life. In less than an hour? completely dressed? nothing but some racy touching? in a car full of people? I was reeling.

I must have told him to go to hell in my head hundreds of ways that next day. I was so fired up! And yet, every time I thought about exactly what had happened and how he handled me I was more turned on. I could still feel his hands on me.