I have a new car. She's a sweet little number with all mod cons. Inbuilt phone, dash cam and rear view camera, automatic parking, all the latest goodies. Fully insured of course, because I am quite sure that when I go out some Sunday driver in a twenty year old four wheel drive is going to rear-end me.
A nice thing about modern cars is that they're hard for the casual thief to steal. With that little chip in the key hot wiring doesn't help, because the engine just cuts out again as soon as you start it.
So I'm sure you can understand my feelings when my car was stolen by a pair of brazen thieves and pranged before they even got it out my gate.
To put it politely, I was slightly miffed about the whole affair, and intended to speak firmly to the culprits.
How am I going to find the culprits you wonder? Well one of them came to my door and knocked, asking for help. The other had broken her wrist and couldn't get out of the car.
Next door to me reside this woman and her daughter. Their ages were forty and twenty respectively. They appeared to be independently well off, as I had never seen either of them working, but they never seemed short of anything.
Jennifer, the mother, had much admired my new car and had asked if she could take it for a spin. Having a keen appreciation for her driving skills and knowing precisely why she had lost her license, I politely told her no way known. The same applied to her daughter, Melissa, who had a current license, but driving skills similar to her mother's.
Please don't think I'm denigrating women drivers. As a species they tend to be more cautious and probably safer than male drivers. These two, however, seemed determined to perpetuate the myth of the bad female driver.
I thought that my blunt refusal would be the end of the matter. Silly me. Jennifer had seen her chance and when my back was turned she'd filched the keys off the kitchen table. I didn't even realise they were gone.
The first I knew of anything was when Melissa knocked on my door and said her mother had had a minor accident and could I come and give her a hand. I assumed that she'd fallen off a stair or tripped over a rug or something. You can imagine my feelings when I followed Melissa outside to find my nice new car wedged against a tree with Jennifer inside it.
I constrained myself, deciding the priority was getting Jennifer out safely and then treating any injuries. I could always strangle the pair of them afterwards.
Checking Jennifer quickly, I decided the only thing wrong with her was a sprained wrist, caused by the steering wheel wrenching it when she hit the tree, and a strong reluctance to get out of the car and face the music.
I pointed out that I could yell at her just as loudly while she was in the car as I could when she was inside, so she glumly climbed over the seat and exited via the passenger door.
Still prioritising, I checked Jennifer's wrist and applied a strong crepe bandage. I told her I'd be very surprised if it was broken but if it gave her too much trouble she should go and see a doctor.
I then politely queried how they happened to possess my car when I said they couldn't and why was Jennifer driving when she didn't have a license, and did they realise that my insurance company would demand a police report because of the unlicensed driver?
Jennifer explained that it was my fault. I'd left the keys on the counter and I was obviously daring her to take them, so she had. She also offered to pay for the repairs. She could afford it, she told me. There would be no need to involve the police or the insurance company.
Fine by me. If Jennifer was willing to pay all costs, I was willing to let her. I handed her the phone and told her to make the necessary arrangements, specifying the panel beater she was to use.
Turning to Melissa I asked her if she had been in the car as well. She flushed and nodded.
"You do both remember that I specifically told you that I didn't want you driving it?" I asked. Have you ever noticed how polite some people can be when they're furious? That was me, right then.
"But that was your fault," protested Jennifer. "You shouldn't have left your keys lying around."
Putting my keys on the kitchen table of my own house is leaving them lying around? I treated that fatuous defence with the contempt it deserved.
"You both know you screwed up," I snarled, some of my temper beginning to show. "As far as I'm concerned it's now a case of what form of retribution I take."
"I've said I'll pay for the damage," protested Jennifer. "Surely that's enough. And I've been injured," she added pathetically, holding up her bandaged wrist.
"Paying for the damage is called restitution," I explained. "Retribution is what form of punishment should be handed down. Do either of you have any suggestions?"
Both women stayed mute, not liking the idea of any sort of punishment.
"Assuming that you don't want me to call the police and file charges, I'll have to deal out the punishment myself," I pointed out.
"Why do we have to have any sort of punishment at all?" protested Jennifer. "We said we're sorry and that we won't do it again."
"Actually, you didn't," I said dryly. "What you said was that it was my fault. That doesn't really seem to me that you're accepting responsibility."
"What is your suggestion for a punishment," snapped Melissa. She didn't appear too happy that I should consider that she needed punishing.
"I'm an advocate of corporal punishment," I said with a smile. "Your punishment is going to be a good spanking, Melissa. Unfortunately, Jennifer has that sprained wrist, so the punishment I had planned for her will have to wait until she's better. It will give her something to look forward to. Unless you care to take her punishment as well, get it all over and done with?"
"You're not spanking me," snapped Melissa.
"Uh, Melissa, the police," muttered her mother. "I couldn't bear having to explain this to the police, what with me having no driver's license."
Melissa looked at me and then at her mother.
"You seriously want me to let this moron spank me?" she gasped. "I'm an adult, damn it. Not a child."
"I know dear, but the police?" Jennifer was at full whine now. "There would be all sorts of unpleasantness. You know what the judge said last time. And this time you'd be in trouble too, because you were in the car. You could lose your license, even though you weren't driving, and then what would we do?"
Melissa sent fulminating looks at both of us, seriously unimpressed with the turn of events, but knowing she was in a corner. She finally nodded.
Never one to let a victory stand alone, Jennifer promptly pressed for another concession.
"I'm sorry, dear," she whined, "but do you think you could take my punishment, as well? You know how I hate waiting for bad things to happen. If you'll just accept my punishment then that will be it. We can put all this behind us."
How much worse could it get, Melissa must have decided, as she nodded sullenly.
"Melissa, before you accept your mother's punishment, we really should discuss it. After all, she was the main offender her. You were just an accomplice." I didn't want Melissa turning around later and saying I hadn't warned her.
"Melissa?" came the whine from Jennifer as Melissa hesitated, and Melissa yielded.
"I'll take it," she sighed. "Let's get this whole thing over and done with."
"Sorry, dear," sighed Jennifer, happy that she was getting off scot free. We'd see how happy she'd be at the end of the punishments.
Melissa glared at me.
"I suppose you want me to come to your bedroom now for the spanking?" she asked.
"Certainly not," I told her. "I think it's only fair that Jennifer be here to witness the punishments that her irresponsibility have brought upon you. I'm comfortable where I am so you can just bend over my knee right here."
I paused, and then added the punchline.
"So if you care to get undressed and bend over we can commence."
Melissa froze. "You expect me to get undressed for this?" she asked, horrified.
"Yes," I said blandly, waiting.
Melissa looked at her mother. Jennifer looked back and shrugged.
"It's only nudity, dear," she said. "People do it all the time. And I'm here after all."
Giving me a look that promised vengeance to come, Melissa slowly started to undress. She took off her skirt and panties, and then looked at me.
"Isn't this enough?" she asked. "There's no need for me to take off my top. You're not going to be spanking me there, after all."
I just said "strip", while her mother just shrugged helplessly.
Moving even slower this time, Melissa finally stripped completely.
As she turned to face me, face bright red, I just couldn't help myself.
"Nice smooth shave," I said, and I could almost feel the icicles in her eyes. I shrugged and spread my hands to either side.
