(A/N: I'm co-writing this project with the wonderful Gentle_Breeze. Check her out on AO3, she's great!)
June was doing worse than I thought.
Her makeup gave it away. She had on heavy foundation and concealer, contrasted with thin eyeliner and understated mascara. All of it served to conceal, rather than to enhance. When it got heavy like this, it was one of her clearest indications she was having a hard time. The baggy hoodie and loose sweatpants were more proof. They were there for her to hide behind, another piece of armor, even if they made her look like she'd been planning for a lazy day inside.
"Hi Helen," June muttered. She had a pleasant, almost musical voice. But she usually spoke softly, regardless of how nice her voice training had made her sound.
"Hey June, come in." I stepped aside. She brushed past me, taking off her boots and setting them on the shoe rack before glancing around the apartment. I'd made sure to clean up ahead of time. The coffee table in the center of the living room had been wiped down, the throw blankets were folded nicely and stored under the TV, and I'd put away that needed to be in the kitchen. It wasn't too far off from how I normally kept things, but June would notice it was a step off. She'd been around enough for it.
"Hey, June!" Quinn called out cheerfully. She was sitting on the far end of the couch, legs crossed and hands resting on her lap. Despite how she was sitting, she still filled the room. She had an almost uncanny presence even when she should've looked small. An episode of "Bake Off" played on TV. It was background noise. Neither of us had been paying attention. We were too busy thinking about what would happen once June got here.
"If you want a drink you know where to get it," I told June. We'd practically lived at my apartment when we'd been dating. She had her own place, but it was barely more than a bed and a kitchenette. I didn't blame her for spending most of her time here. I liked that she had.
Now that she was back, I realized how much I missed having her here with me. I hadn't had her in my place in weeks. She had a nice, soothing presence when she wasn't keyed up and even though she didn't look it, she was extremely attentive. I wished she'd come around more often, but the break up had made things awkward. I'd insisted we stay friends and June had agreed, but we hadn't been talking as much since. There were too many feelings still lingering between us and getting in the way.
Ideally, today was going to push us closer or prove we couldn't work together.
June went to the kitchen while I sat down on the couch with Quinn. The air was thick with tension. Quinn was trying to make it seem like she was watching TV, but I could see past it. She had a habit of trying to be nonchalant about everything, even things she was deeply invested in, until she was suddenly intensely focused on them. She'd told me she was good at hiding what she really cared about, but I'd figured out her tells. I was better at reading people than she thought. I could see her interest in the way her head was turned slightly to listen to June in the kitchen, how was sitting up slightly more than usual, and how her eyes were never quite focused on the TV.
I never got tired of studying Quinn. She was the sort of woman that might appear on a magazine cover to show that trans women could be conventionally beautiful too. Her wavy red hair was brushed behind her shoulders, showing off her elfin face and heavy freckles. She'd done cat eyes with her eye liner, with a faint hint of blush and a shade of red lipstick that made the green of her eyes pop even more.
All of it made her seem so innocent and sweet, but I knew what lurked under the facade. Quinn's eyes could turn from soft to cruel, her smile sweet to sadistic, her whole persona from endearing to near evil. She reminded me of a faerie, her beauty meant to draw you in and conceal her darkness.
That side of her that was part of why June was here. I'd been enticed by Quinn's beauty like anyone else and when she revealed her true desires, I thought I could handle it. Some of her warnings had seemed like exaggerations and it wouldn't be the first time I'd submitted.
But then we had our first scene. As soon as I'd gone to my knees and she'd pulled my hair back to make me look at her, I knew I couldn't give her enough. She had looked at me like she wanted to tear me open and look at my insides. Our scene had gone fine, but we both knew it'd lacked the passion she needed.
It gave me a sense of deja vu. June and I had broken up in part because I didn't have enough darkness for her. I didn't have an alternative solution when the problem became too big to ignore, either.
I had one now.
One I hoped would suit all three of us.
June came back to the living room and sat on the chair away from Quinn and me. She took a tiny sip, more for something to do than out of thirst. She looked back and forth between Quinn and me. I could feel her doubt. It was the kind that bled right into anxiety. The kind that was prone to send her right out the door.
"Why don't you come here? Sit with us," I said. I scooted over to the far end of the couch and then patted the spot between Quinn and I. "Don't be a stranger."
June twisted her hands together — her tell that she was only getting more anxious — and looked at the door. I held back any sign of my frustration. I wanted this to happen. She wanted this to happen. Quinn did too. I wasn't going to encourage her to back out before she'd even gotten a taste of what she'd agreed to.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to. Take your time," Quinn said. She did her best to sound casual, but I could hear the nervousness underneath. I narrowed my eyes on her. June wasn't going to do this on her own—she needed a push. Quinn blinked, not understanding.
"We can at least sit together," I said. I thought some of their hesitation might be because I was trying to make them sit next to one another. They only knew one another from a few scattered meetings at our City's pride weekend. I could try to make things more gradual. I went back to Quinn's side and pressed myself back against her. I could feel how tense she was. I nuzzled her, then looked back at June. "Come on, June."
June hesitated. I took a deep breath, then gave her a look, letting her feel the full weight of my gaze. I was never dominant enough for her tastes, but that was on a day-to-day level. In isolated moments, I could summon up what I needed, just like I could occasionally summon submission for Quinn.
June fidgeted and looked down. I kept my eyes on her. She knew well enough that she could say no, that I was never going to make her do anything. She told me once that she sometimes hated that more than anything else.
Just when I thought she'd decline and I'd have to regroup, she stood. Slowly, like she was a teenager sneaking out of her house, she walked over and sat on the edge of the sofa. Before she could change her mind, I leaned over, put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into my side. She went willingly and relaxed a bit. I wasn't sure she could help doing anything but. She always told me cuddling made her feel safe.
Our attention moved back to 'Bake Off.' I traced aimless patterns on June's arm. Quinn was still paying attention to June, but she was doing her damn best to hide that. I nudged her. She glanced at me, then June, then back to the TV, as if we were only there to kill time.
The signature baking challenge came and went. I thought it may have been time to dispense with the pretense and get on with it, but the awkward tension wasn't unbearable yet. More TV and looking at one another wasn't going to change anything, but it wouldn't hurt to give Quinn and June a little bit more time.
By the time the technical challenge ended, I realized they weren't going to start on their own. I nudged Quinn again. She side-eyed me, seeming almost irritated. I nudged June next. She ignored me. I resisted the urge to sigh.
So much for waiting. It was time to force the issue.
"Okay, that's enough of this," I said. I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, then stood up and faced the two of them. I put on a winning smile, feeling like a saleswoman trying to close on a deal. "Quinn and I are going to fuck now. June, if you want to watch like you said you did, follow us and sit in the chair. If you don't, let me know and we can change plans or, as always, you can leave. You can always leave. I'm never going to make you do anything you don't want to, but I don't want to sit here waiting forever." I held out my hand to Quinn. "Quinn?"
Quinn took my hand carefully, but as she stood, she gave it a squeeze. It confirmed her choice. I glanced back at June. She seemed shocked. It was almost enough to make me regret jump-starting this, but I knew Quinn and June would sit here all night if I let them. I couldn't blame them too much for it. Putting everything else aside, having my ex and my girlfriend in the same room was objectively a bit awkward. But our time together so far proved there was no easy way to dispense of that. There was only going through it.
I led Quinn around the couch and headed to my room. I didn't hear June get up. I pushed open the door and hopped into bed, doing a quick scan of the room. I made sure it was extra neat and tidy today. My king sized bed with its pink duvet was made, my clothes were all put away in my white wicker dresser, and I'd even dusted my computer. I wanted everything to be perfect. I gave Quinn my best fuck-me eyes as she crawled into bed after me. Her face came close to mine, but before she kissed me, she looked over her shoulder.
There was no sign of June.
"Are we sure about this?" Quinn asked.
"Yeah. I am. We all are. Once we get going, it'll get better," I said. Both Quinn and June worked like that. Starting up was the hardest part for them.
"She doesn't seem like she wants to come. We can drop the teasing part if we have to. I don't want to hurt her. Not like that," Quinn said. She ran her hand through her hair, eyes shifting nervously.
The teasing is a critical part of this. She's not going to get anything if she just voyeurs. She said so herself."
"Maybe she was overestimating herself."
"Give her some credit. She's a lot stronger than you think." I turned toward the door and called out. "June! Come on!"
Quinn winced. "She didn't look like she was in the best mood for this, is my main point."
"I know she didn't, but trust me when I said that if she didn't want to be here, she wouldn't be. June is good at leaving a room." Maybe a bit too good, sometimes. A dozen examples of her fleeing from conflict flitted through my mind. I pushed them away. "Sometimes, she needs a little bit of space to process before she gets into something. If she does come in and says this isn't right for her, then we'll talk about it and figure something else out, but we're not going to make anything better by drowning in awkwardness and watching 'Bake Off.' Let's all trust one another and let that be enough." I leaned forward, caught the front of her shirt, and pulled her onto my lap to straddle me. "Now kiss me?"
Quinn tried to lie down on top of me as we started to kiss, I rolled us over so I was on top, not not feeling like being on the bottom right now. She went willingly. I cradled her face in my hands and deepened our kiss. Quinn stroked down my back, then grabbed my ass and squeezed playfully. I let out a quiet noise of pleasure as a pleasant, familiar warmth bloomed in my stomach.
I loved the feeling. I craved it. That was where June and I differed—she couldn't handle erotic touch. For her, it was like going to the dentist. We'd tried to work around it, but we'd failed, just like our attempts to work around June's masochism.
