I'm telling you mate, no word of a lie. No fucking word of a lie. She was the dirtiest little cunt I've ever met in me life. Get us a beer and I'll fill you in.
Ta. Ah, sweet! Right. Anyway. What a fucking whore! This is what happened. Last Tuesday morning, no, Monday it was, she walks in the shop. Posh looking bird, she was. About 40, I reckon, but fit as fuck, like. I thought, here you go, she's wandered in the wrong doorway. Probably after the hairdresser's. She wouldn't be the first to make that mistake. I mean, what the fuck Gaz was doing opening a fucking porn shop next to 'Hair By Fucking Christopher' in the first place…well, fuck knows.
Anyway. Warm day, but this ain't Ibiza, is it? She got a skirt on halfway up her arse and the top! It was, dunno, pink or orange or something, but it was fucking tiny and her tits were fucking huge. Honest. Massive. Her nips were sticking out. I'm thinking, what's going on here?
"Looking for the hairdresser's, love?" I says, smiled at her coz, like I say, she was well tasty.
She looks all embarrassed, like and says, dead quiet and posh, like: "Er, no, this is the…well the sex shop, isn't it?"
I'm thinking, it's packed with fucking dildos, love; it ain't Interflora, is it? I reckon it's some bitch from the Council come to give me some more shit. But no, when I ask what can I do for her she asks me about the job. Straight up, this posh bird is after the part-time job at our place. I think, fuck me, what have we got here?
So, I walks round to the front. Meanwhile she's sort of tripped across the floor on her high heels and is stood a couple of feet away. I squeeze between her and the counter, lean back, nonchalant, like and says: "You do know what sort of a shop this is love? You know what sort of thing we sell in here?" I wave me arms about a bit and she looks around the place. Then she looks straight up into my eyes, and says, in this dirty low voice: "Oh yes, I know exactly what you sell." She got this look in her eye, like she wanted me to get me cock out and shove it down her throat. I tell you, it was the way she says 'exactly' what done my head in.
I'm thinking, is this some kind of piss-take? Some fucking porn channel version of that 'Game for a Whatsit', or something? Then, and she knows I can see her doing it, she parts her legs a little and arches her cunt hole towards me. She fucking reeks of cunt juice! Fucking stinks! I'm well hard now, of course. But I'm still thinking maybe there's some big fucker waiting out back to do me with a baseball bat or something. I mean, I look after meself, work out and that, but, you know, who knows.
Anyway, I just wanna shove me hand right up her there and then. But fuck it, I dunno. It could be some kinda set up. Or maybe, just maybe, I was reading too much into it. You know, hanging around porn all day can do that to you. So, I ask if she'd be bothered by some of the language that she'd hear, being as she was obviously a posh bird. She says: "What language? Exactly what language?"
Exactly, eh? So I takes a deep breath and tell her, punters saying 'cock' and 'cunt' in front of her. She just smiles and says: "Oh no, I think I'd love that."
"You sure? I mean, some bloke saying he wants something to stick up his bird's arse while he's fucking her up the cunt would upset a lot of birds."
She repeats it: "Hhmmm , some bloke saying he wants something to stick up his bird's arse while he's fucking her up the cunt?" She says it in a really gravelly voice, then laughs and says: "To be perfectly honest, I think the only effect that kind of talk would have would be to make my cunt very wet indeed."
Fucking hell! Fucking hell! I've got Lady Muck with the horn here! I tell you, there could've been a gang of twelve-foot skinheads outside waiting to beat the shit if I so much as laid a fucking finger on 'er. I'm thinking: So what? I'd die fucking happy anyway! I mean, what a dirty cunt! I think, right, this little whore is working here. And, no matter what, I'm gonna fuck her rigid. Empty me balls in every fucking hole. I mean, think about it, mate, the only other applicant was a spotty little twat. Looked about twelve and would've wanked all over the stock. Fuck that. I'd tell Gaz what the crack was. You never know, maybe he'd get some as well.
Still, we weren't out of the woods yet. What kind of dosh would she be after? I mean she didn't look the sort who would be used to working for the minimum wage. Didn't look like the sort of bird who worked, full stop.
"Do you want to know about wages and that?" I says. She nodded. I told her. Sure enough, her face dropped. I thought, okay, that's that fucked then. But then she says: "What about perks; are there any perks?"
I says, yeah, perks. No problem. I'm wondering what she means by perks: cash, stock, cock, what? I figure she can have what the fuck she wants if I get to empty me bollocks up her. She never says no more about perks then, just says: "Okay, I'm definitely interested."
Result! Thing is, a bit of a fly in the old KY. She's says she's never done no shop work before. Okay, so you don't have to be Mohamed Al Whatsit, but I'm thinking Gaz mightn't be up for it.
She must have seen I had something on my mind, because she says, all coy and that: "If you like, I could work here for nothing…just for a day, perhaps. You could see how I got on and then…well, you could see how I got on afterwards."
After what, I'm thinking? Hold on, she's offering to work here for fuck all; she has to be after it! Fuck it, says I to meself, always look a gift whore in the cunt.
