Shop Soiled

It's been a long time coming, but hope it's worth the wait.

*****

Needed that, Dave, I can tell you. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Message from the Master: ‘whores must please whoever. Two men will fill you better than one. Sir.’ That was it, weren’t it?

Anyroad, I’m fucking gagging for it, even though I’d already shot me load over the dirty bitch. I can’t wait for the afternoon when Gaz would show.

You know, I was thinking in the bog, if you hadn’t been on your Honeymoon last week, I’d have given you a bell and got you in on the act. You’d have fucking loved her. Honeymoon go okay, by the way? Great? Here, now I think of it, who was that little bird you was doing in the lift at the reception? I ain’t seen her before. The wife’s sister, eh? Fair enough, mate, fair enough.

Hang on, you been drinking me pint while I was in the bog? No? Well, I’m sure I had more than that. You go up to the bar, get another couple in and I’ll get back to Jenny. Slut. Cunt. Whatever. Yeeees, mate, I know it’s my round, but I’m in me stride with the story now, ain’t I? Go on, get your lardy arse off to the bar. You know, I reckon that skinny barmaid with the big tits is well into you. Yeah, straight up. Good lad, off you go!

Cheers, mate. Anyway, where was I? The text from her bloke, weren’t it? After that, she turns to me and says: ‘Well, Stuart. Stu. Whatever, this’ll be very interesting’.

“How’s that then, love?” I asks.

She’s grinning all over her face, my spunk’s dried out on her by now so it starts cracking up on her skin. Makes her look well dirty. “Well,” she says, still smiling. “My Master has told me that I must fuck you, and I have to obey my Master. The thing is, he didn’t tell me to unlock my cunt. Have you ever fucked a padlocked cunt Stu. Stuart. Whatever?”

To be truthful, Dave, the thought had never crossed my mind. It’s not the kind of thing you normally think of, is it? I mean, fair do’s, who says, ‘I really fancy a shag tonight. Better nip down B&Q and get a padlock for the wife’s fanny’? I just tells her, I hadn’t done that, but I was up for anything. Between you and me, though, Dave, I was a little bit…you know, dubious like. I were thinking, ‘what happens if the bloody thing springs open when I’ve got me knob up her?’ How the bloody hell would I explain that down casualty?

Anyway, she goes and bolts the shop door and says: “This one is ‘ontray new’” or something, which I takes to mean ‘well kinky’. What? It’s ‘entre nous’, is it? Means ‘between ourselves’? Fair enough, you live and learn, you live and learn.

Anyroad, next thing is she drags me into the stock cupboard. Up goes the tiny skirt, clank, clank goes the padlock and out comes me dick. Hard again, of course, I mean, who wouldn’t be with that on offer? Pulls me back against the wall and my cock is at her slit before you can say ‘coppers, leg it!’ I’m telling you mate, with the padlock on, she was tighter than a nun’s chuffer. I was like slipping the old man up a length of hosepipe. You know me, Dave, I’m not much of a one for bad language, but all I could say was: “Fucking hell!” I never knew a cunt could be so tight…well, that Kenny Robbins is an even tighter cunt, but you know what I mean.

Trouble is - and this, mate, is strictly ‘entre nous’ - with it that tight I shot me load almost straight off. Thirty seconds from balls to cunt. I was saying: “Sorry, love, it’s the bleedin’ padlock what caused that.” She was laughing and saying: ‘Don’t worry, there’s plenty of time. You’ll last much longer next time. Now, take me to lunch. A woman can’t live on spunk alone.”

So ten minutes later, we’re sat in The Three Feathers. She’s tucking into salmon and new potatoes and I’m trying to force a ploughman’s down me neck. The whole fucking pub is staring at us. She’s sat there, tits almost hanging out, skirt up her arse, covered in dried spunk and she’s got her bleeding legs open. The whole fucking room could see her cunt. I mean, half the people in there’ve known me for years!

“Don’t you ever worry about getting arrested going around like that?” I says, by way of conversation.

She smiles and says she’s been arrested a couple of times already. “Serious?” I asks. “Did you go down?”

Dirty giggle from her – obviously, Dave, I meant did she do time – and she says going down was the least she did. “After all, I wouldn’t have wanted to got into trouble with the police, would I?” Just then, that twat Big Nose Bob passes, on his way to the bog, and whispers: “Here y’are Stu, any chance of chaining me bike up to that?” Everyone pisses themselves laughing …and I’m remembering faces for the next time I’m in.

Off goes her mobile. It’s the old Master blaster again. She’s the cat that got the fucking cream when she reads it. “What’s that then, love?” She hands me the mobile. ‘cunt. Take on all-comers this afternoon. Sir.’

“My lucky day,” she says. “And mine,” says I, but I was a bit worried about not getting me fair share. I mean, if she was going to be shagging for England that afternoon, I wanted to get another crack at her before Gaz and whoever else was going to be dipping their wicks. Stands to reason, don’t it, Dave?

She’s got other ideas, though. She’s scanning the bleeding place for likely candidates for wick-dipping, by the looks of it. “Can we have another drink?” She asks. “I think I’ll have a pint, like you.”

I’m off to the bar, thinking the vultures are gonna descend as soon as me back’s turned. Don’t know why, but they all stay put. No way am I inviting any of them bastards along for the ride, as it were, so I just flash everyone one of them ‘fuck off and leave us alone, or your arse is going through the window’ looks. Which works. We have a couple more drinks, then my mobile goes off. It’s Gaz, wanting to know where the fuck we are. He also says that he’d invited Karl and Des along, and was that okay. I can’t really say no to the boss, so I asks Jenny. Slut. Cunt. Whatever what she thinks. She shrugs her shoulders, says her Master says she had to take on all comers so she doesn’t have any say in it. So, that was my plans for a quiet afternoon threesome down the bog, then.

We drink up sharpish and head back to the shop. Gaz and the other lads are there already. He’s grinning like he slept with a coat-hanger in his mouth all night and they’re standing around all nervous like a couple of spare pricks at a wedding.

Gaz actually introduces himself to her like she was a regular new employee…you know: “I hope you enjoy you time with the company”, “anything I can do to help,” and all that bollocks. I mean, Dave, mate, seriously, she standing there with her tits virtually hanging out, spunk in her hair, skirt up her arse and Gaz is bidding for Employer of the Year award. Fucking bizarre, I tell you.

After the introductions, we all stand round not knowing what to do. It’s like a party where no one brought the booze. You see, Gaz is obviously thinking, ‘well, it’s your shout, mate’. And she’s obviously expecting me to take the lead and I’ve got no fucking idea how to suggest we start synchronized shagging. So it’s a whatsit. Yeah, an impasse, that’s right.

Bell goes and a punter wanders in. “Sorry mate, we’re closed,” says Gaz. Bloke looks at her, then me. “Oh, can he stay?” Says this Jenny. “I really like the look of him. Lock the door and let him stay. Please”

I look at Gaz; he shrugs. I shrug, too, and say: “All right, mate?” to the punter and go and lock the door behind him. Then I says: “Right, love, shall we get started?” I mean, we’d be there all week if I hadn’t kicked things off.

She smiles and says: “Whatever you say, Stu. Stuart. Whatever.” Then she looks over, at bit nervous like, at the punter. He just nods at her. Then, mate, it dawns on. The punter is her fucking Master! I’m expected to fuck some bloke’s bird in front of him! Now, ain’t that going to put you off for starters?

So, to give me a bit of time to think about things, I says to her: ‘Hold up, doll. I’ve got to go for a Jimmy.’ She looks all puzzled like, so I says: ‘You know, Jimmy. Jimmy Riddle. Piddle.’

“A piss?” She asks, grinning.

“’Sright,” says I. Then she aks why go to the toilet when she was there. I says: “What d’you mean?” She just sits there smirking. Opens her mouth and points at it. It turns out, Dave, and I fucking kid you not, she wants me to piss on her. Straight up! I mean, I’ve done me share of kinky stuff in me time, but never pissed on a bird…well, not deliberate, anyway.

“In your mouth?” I says to her.

“Or my cunt, or my arse,” says she, all matter-of-fact, like she’s offering me a choice of sandwiches at the vicar’s garden party.

I have to admit, Dave, that I wasn’t sure I’d want to give her one after I’d pissed all over her, so I says: “Actually, love, I reckon I’ll hang on until we’ve done. You know, might make it last longer…not that I’m worried about coming too soon, of course.”

She looks a bit pissed off – if you’ll pardon the pun – and says: “Well, don’t forget, I’m still very thirsty. Would any of the rest of you like to take advantage of the walking, talking toilet?”

“Er, maybe later, darlin’” says Gaz, looking a bit dubious. I reckon he’s thinking the same as me. Karl and Des just shrug and shuffle around, all nervous like. “So,” says Gaz, in his back to business voice, “is it one at a time, or all together?”

She glances over at the punter – who I know for sure is her master now – and he gives her some sort of signal. Dunno what, but she clearly gets the message.

She’s smiling. “Stu. Stuart. Whatever. Would you like to fuck my arse? I’m afraid it’s not as tight as it should be. You should see some the things my Master has made me put up there. You wouldn’t believe it!”

Course I fancied a go at her arse, no matter how slack it was, so I just says: “Too right, love, too fucking right.” Had me knob out, thinking ‘bollocks to all this farting about. I want me shag’.

“Gaz, my cunt?” Dirty way she said ‘cunt’. Real dirty, real posh and fucking filthy.

“Sweet,” says Gaz, unzipping his jeans. “What about you, mate?” This is to the punter. Punter just holds up his hand and shakes his head. “Ah,” says Gaz, “you’re a watcher, are you? Hey, it weren’t you up a tree last Saturday outside my house when me and the wife was at it, was it?”

Punter shakes his head and looks at Gaz like he’s some kind of twat…which I suppose he is really.

This Jenny looks over at Karl and Des. “Fancy sharing my mouth? I’ll do my best to get as much of both of you in.”

Nice offer, you might think, but they weren’t having a bar of it. Both of them looked liked they were going to throw up. I can’t blame ‘em. I wouldn’t fancy sticking me dick in some bird’s mouth when there was already another bloke in there. I mean, what the fuck would they make of that down the snooker hall?

“Nah, love,” says Des. “We’ll take turns…and I’ll be first.” Shot over to her like Gaz’s rottweiler had a hold of his arse. Poor old Carl looked well pissed off that he was going to have seconds on the old gob.

“You up for this, mate?” Dave says to me.

“Yeah,” says I. “So long as you keep your knob out of the way of mine!”

“No problem, Stu. No fucking problem at all.”

I says to her that she’d need some lubrication for her arse. She gets down on the floor and opens her cunt. “Better than KY Jelly,” she says. It was only then that I remembered that I’d already spunked up her. She was still full of it. Now, call me a cunt, Dave - and I know you do behind me back - but I wasn’t about to tell Gaz that he’d be sliding up her on my muck. I mean, that’d teach the bastard to give me a fucking poxy two per cent pay rise. Tight-arsed so-and-so.

Anyroad, I stick my knob up her and get it nice and wet. She rolls over on to all fours and sticks her arse up at me. Gild-edged invitation, so without further ado I slip it in. Tight enough, not crabs arse at forty fathoms tight, but tight enough. I’m slipping it in and out and then Gaz crawls in underneath her and is up her in one. Ha! I’m thinking, serves you right, you bastard!

Des had to pull his knob out while she sorted herself out, but now he was back in there. You’ll never guess what? He's only shot his load after about half a dozen sucks. I mean, what the fuck’s that all about? In fairness to him he didn’t shoot down her throat but sprayed it over her tits. Karl looked well relieved.

Des was a bit embarrassed about the old premature elation, as it were, but, seeing as I’d done me load in record time earlier, I wasn’t about to say nuffink. ‘Let him who’s chucked the first house brick’ and all that bollocks. Course, I’m bursting for a slash, so there’s no danger of me cumming before Christmas.

This Jenny is moaning like fuck, asking us what she is. “A fucking slag?” I offers, all helpful like. “A cunt and a whore?” Chips in Gaz. We’re banging the fuck out of her by now She’s bouncing around like a greyhound on speed.

“Yes, yes,” she’s going, “I’m a fucking slag, a fucking cunt and a whore.”

Very self-aware she was, Dave. Very self-aware. You gotta give her that.

Horrible thing then. I can feel Gaz’s knob in her, trying to ignore it, and then I can feel him twitching coz he’s about to cum. Fuck me, I think, I’m glad I’m on top. I wouldn’t want his spunk dripping down on me knob, would I? As he shoots off, she starts to cum. Strictly entre whatsit, Dave, but nine times out of ten I miss out on that simultaneous orgasm bollocks. Can never get it right. You tell anyone that and you’ll be propping up a flyover somewhere.!

No fucking way am I going to cum at all. The rest of ‘em are dozing off while I’m banging away. In the end she stops. “Having trouble, Stu. Stuart. Whatever?” She asks.

“Think I need a piss, to be truthful.”

“Ah,” she says. “Thought as much. Shall I try a little trick you might like?”

In for a penny, thinks I, so I give her the nod.

She get off me cock and tells me to lie down. I do. She straddles me and slides her cunt down on the old fella. I’m rock hard. The way things were going I was going be like that for the rest of me life. Guess what she done next? Can’t? Well, I’ll tell you. She started to piss on my cock. No bull, a fucking flood of piss - all over me cock and balls. And guess what? I came like fuck. Bit embarrassing this bit, but as I got softer and she kept pissing I realised the pressure on the old bladder was getting less. Without even realizing it, I was pissing up her. She loved it, fucking loved it. Got to admit, I didn’t mind it myself…even if I’d have to clean the bastard floor afterwards. Can’t see old Vinegar Drawers back ‘ome being up for a bit of watersports, though.

When I was pissing up her she came again…straight up, I never knew a bird could come that often. I mean, Bev comes once and she’s snoring her fucking head off before I am.

Anyroad, I digress. That’s right, ain’t it? Digress? Next thing, the old Master just wanders over, sticks his cock in this Jenny’s mouth. She sucks him off, he spunks all over her face and walks straight out without a word to her. I mean, fuck me, I admit I ain’t exactly Roger Moore with the ladies, but even I could see that weren’t exactly respectful…mind you, I don’t think she minded. She looked like that was exactly her idea of an afternoon out. Lovely bird, this Jenny, but a right spunk junkie. Takes all sorts, Dave, I suppose, takes all sorts.

Once he’d fucked off, that was it. She thanked Karl and Des for their time – now your run-of-the-mill slapper don’t do that, does she? – thanked Gaz for the use of the shop, kissed me on the cheek and got her bag. At the door, she turned and said: “Do I get the job?”

“Darling,” says Gaz. “You’ve got the job, no danger. It’s yours if you want it.”

She smiled and said she’d think about it. But, then again, maybe she wouldn’t. And that was it - she was out the door. So, that’s that, I reckon. Anyway, any chance of getting a fucking beer round here? Mind you, of course, now I’m on these bleedin’ tablets, I shouldn’t really be drinking, should I?