Secret Smiles and Three Little Words

Chapter 64

"Hey," Reese called out stopping Alex from getting into her car.

"Hey!" she smiled back.

"Kari is wanting to have Nora over for a sleepover," Reese smiled.

"A sleepover?" Alex repeated. The look on her face said it all for Reese.

"I know how you feel," she smiled. "Letting Nora go somewhere you can't see her." Alex made to apologize but Reese held up her hand to stop her. "No, I'm not offended! I understand completely! The first time Kari spent the night somewhere besides where I could check on her I didn't sleep worth a shit!"

Alex laughed and looked to the ground embarrassedly.

"Think about it," Reese told her.

"No," Alex shook her head. "She can spend the night...I mean sooner or later I have to stop hovering...right?"

"If you say so," Reese shrugged. "We're mom's, hovering is what we do...and before you say it, you are Nora's mom. I can tell by the way panic ran through your eyes the moment I brought up spending the night!" Reese waved as she walked back towards her house. "Just give it some thought!" She called out over her shoulder.

Alex stood there a moment with her hand on the door thinking. Let Nora out of her sight? Since Livy died Nora has been by her side and under her protection. Letting her go where she wasn't where she could see her? She thought back to the first day she dropped her off at the school, that dreadful empty feeling.

Alex got into her car and pulled out, driving to get Nora from school. Waiting in the circle drive she was deep in thought. The knocking on the window made her jump visibly. She looked to the sidewalk to see one of the security guys with an apologetic look on his face for scaring her. She pushed the button and the window whirred down.

"Hey," she smiled at him.

"Miss Lasko," the guard smiled. "They need to speak to you inside."

"Is everything all right?" Alex asked, the panic washing over her.

"Nora is fine," the guard said immediately. "But there was an issue."

"Oh shit," Alex frowned.

"If you could park your car in the lot?" the guard nodded with his head. She nodded and slipped the car into drive and pulled away from the curb.

Grabbing her purse, she thought about calling Gavin, but decided against it.

"Let's see how bad it is first," Alex frowned. Thoughts of Lance ran through her head.

Walking into the office she looked towards the door for the Dean.

"Hi, Miss Lasko," the secretary called out. "It's actually Ms. Jordan who would like to speak to you."

"Ms. Jordan?" Alex asked.

"She's a school counselor," the woman said to her pointing towards the other side of the office. "She's waiting for you." Alex nodded and walked towards the door. Tapping gently.

"Come in," she heard from the other side of the door. Alex pushed the door open and attempted her best smile. "Miss Lasko?"

"Yes," Alex said taking the outstretched hand of the young woman coming around the desk.

Jordan led her to the couch and encouraged her to sit. Alex put her purse on the floor and tried not to let her hands shake.

"First off," Jordan smiled. "Nora is just fine. She isn't in any trouble." The woman assured her.

"That's good," Alex said but it didn't relieve her of any worry. If there was nothing wrong, why was she called into the office?

"I just wanted to ask you some questions," Jordan said sitting next to her.

"Ok," Alex shrugged.

"Most of what I know is from Nora, I like it that way at first. It lets me get the child's view on things before I become tainted with what the adults around them want me to know," Jordan explained.

"You've been seeing Nora?" Alex asked.

"I see Nora, we have several counselors on staff, we are assigned students and we check in with them from time to time...more if it is called for," Jordan explained. Alex nodded that she understood.

"It seems Nora is quite the artist," Jordan said picking up a sketchbook.

"She is?" Alex asked the surprise filling her voice.

This surprised her as she had never seen Nora draw at home.

"You didn't know?" Jordan asked. Alex shook her head.

"I'm not her mother," Alex shrugged.

"She doesn't draw at home?" Jordan asked. Alex shook her head. "Interesting."

"Why?" Alex asked.

"Well, I would think she would seek advice from you, seeing how you are an accomplished artist yourself," Jordan said with furrowed brow.

"She hasn't mentioned it," Alex told her. What kind of parent doesn't know their child has talent?

"Alex, may I call you Alex?" Jordan asked. Alex nodded. "Alex, given the circumstances don't worry too much. Nora is trying to figure out how she fits into her new life. Being adopted for a child is usually a good thing and the child knows it. Nora's circumstances differ in the fact she didn't spend any time in the foster care system or an orphanage."

Alex nodded.

"But she is still going to deal with the same emotions of abandonment," Jordan said cautiously.

"Livy didn't abandon Nora," Alex said quickly.

"In Nora's mind...she did," Jordan said softly. "I don't mean to belittle her mother's memory or even argue the point of her death. My point is, in Nora's mind, her mother left her suddenly without reason."

"Oh my God," Alex put her face in her hands.

"Does Nora spend a lot of time in her room alone?" Jordan asked.

"No," Alex shook her head. "Most of the time she is outside with Kari, especially now that the weather is warmer!"

"Who is Kari?" Jordan asked writing the name down.

"Kari is the girl next door," Alex shrugged. "They met when we were looking at the house. They have been inseparable since."

"So Kari is an actual person, her friend?" Jordan asked.

"Of course she is an actual person," Alex told her. "Why?"

"Do you ever see Nora talking to herself?" Jordan asked.

"Sometimes," Alex shrugged. "Sometimes I hear her through her door."

"Do you know who she is talking to?"

"I'm guessing an imaginary friend, but we all have those!" Alex defended. Jordan agreed.

"I agree, we see her talking to herself here as well, on the playground...sometimes at lunch," Jordan explained.

"Does she have any other friends at home?" Jordan asked.

"No."

"She doesn't have any here either," Jordan told her.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked. Jordan took in a deep breath and let it out.

"After Nora broke Lance's nose, I started to keep regular visits with Nora. Started to watch her go through her day, observe her," Jordan explained. "In all the time I have watched her she has never played with the other students, even though several of them have tried to persuade her to play."

"What does she do?"

"She draws," Jordan smiled. "And she is good, so good that I'm jealous as I had an art minor in school."

She handed Alex the sketchbook and Alex turned to the first page. It was a picture of the treehouse. The next contained a picture of Kari. Then one of Alex and Gavin together kissing. It made her smile. The next one took her breath away. It was a cemetery. The one her mother was buried in.

Then woods, and they were not happy woods. They were foreboding woods where shadows lurked. They looked mysterious and deep, perhaps even evil. Alex would have been impressed with the emotions Nora was able to elicit with her drawing. Alex could feel fear and anxiousness from the drawing. Something that took years for artists to be able to manage. That is if she wasn't so worried on why Nora's pictures were so dark and scary.

Alex continued to turn the pages but each one was darker than the next. Scenes of hollowed out buildings they would pass on the way to school. Abandoned barns from driving across Pennsylvania and Indiana.

"See a pattern?" Jordan asked.

"They are a bit scary," Alex pointed out.

"Empty?" Jordan pointed out. Alex nodded. "Is the cemetery scene relevant?"

"Believe it or not," Alex smiled. "It looks exactly like the cemetery her mother is buried it."

"Did you spend a lot of time there?"

"Of course not!" Alex gasped. "Maybe two or three visits, it was hard on her." Jordan nodded.

"Well," Jordan said changing the conversation. "The reason you are here was we had to restrain Nora today."

"What do you mean restrain?" Alex asked angrily.

"She was drawing in class when she was supposed to be working on her assignment," Jordan explained. "When one of the aides tried to get her back on task...Nora told her...'to go fuck herself'."

"What?" Alex whispered her fingers over her lips.

"The aide then pulled the sketchbook from her and Nora proceeded to flip over her desk," Jordan explained. "Our staff is trained and certified in safe restraints. They put her in what we call a 'basket restraint', to keep her from hurting herself or others during the tantrum."

"That doesn't sound like Nora at all!" Alex told her. Jordan nodded. "She is normally happy and friendly."

"Normally she is," Jordan agreed. "It's not uncommon for students to act out in a new environment, sometimes it all becomes overwhelming, they don't know what to do so they get frustrated and when they get frustrated it adds on to the confusion and it just keeps piling on...Nora was that way today."

"What happens after a restraint?" Alex asked her.

"After the student is out of crisis, we take them to what we call a 'quiet room'. It's basically just a room for them to sit and cry it out, without any of the other children watching. Usually the counselor is called and she is supervised until she is ready to talk," Jordan explained.

"Is that where Nora is now?" Alex asked. Jordan shook her head.

"No, she is back in her homeroom now," Jordan assured her. "The idea of the restraint and quiet room is to let the child get themselves together and get them back to class as quickly as we can." Alex nodded that she understood.

"Gavin has been on me about getting Nora some professional help," Alex admitted. "I have been reluctant...I just didn't think she needed it!"

"I'll be honest with you," Jordan smiled. "We could all use someone to talk to, a professional, I think we would all be better off."

"So now what?" Alex asked her. Jordan shrugged.

"In my opinion, Nora hasn't dealt with her mother's death completely," Jordan told her getting up. "I think it will continue to manifest itself in her drawings...I think that is how she is trying to deal with it. The drawings are a cry for help...she feels dark. She feels alone. She feels abandoned." Jordan said coming back with a business card. "Just like the pictures she is drawing.

"The first three aren't dark," Alex pointed out.

"You're right," Jordan smiled. "I think those three drawings are what is keeping Nora safe. I think that is what she is clinging to as being her happy thoughts. When she gets scared she runs to those three things...if she can't, she opens the pictures and stares at them."

"According to the aide, she was staring at the drawing of you and the man today," Jordan pointed out.

"Gavin," Alex told her. "My fiancé," she smiled.

"Nora needs help," Jordan told her softly. "Take Gavin's advice." Jordan handed her the card.

"She is very good with children," Jordan said tapping the card. Alex nodded. "Don't worry, right now you are wondering what you did wrong...let me answer that for you. Absolutely nothing!"

"You are one of the pictures in the book that bring her back from her dark place," Jordan said with a smile taking hold of her arm. Alex nodded but that didn't make her feel any better.

"Can I get her now?" Alex asked.

"Of course," Jordan smiled standing up.

Walking by the courtyard Alex looked out. She saw the mural that the kids had worked on.

"Would you mind bringing her here?" Alex asked.

"Of course," Jordan smiled. Alex nodded and stepped out into the courtyard and sat down on a bench facing the mural. It brought back all the memories of her mural. The hard work. The romantic lunches with Gavin. All of it.

"Aunt Alex?" Nora's voice brought her back to the present.

"Hey baby," Alex smiled. Nora looked to the sketchbook in Alex's lap and looked down. "You are quite talented." Alex said patting the book before patting the seat next to her in a command Nora understood.

"Am I in trouble?" Nora asked her.

"I don't know," Alex frowned after some thought. "You aren't getting grounded if that is what you are asking."

"Are you mad?" the little girl asked quietly.

"I was just sitting her thinking about my mural," Alex smiled deliberately not answering while looking at the mural in front of her. "I was thinking of all the hard work I did, and all the hard work Gavin did!" Alex shook her head.

"I don't know if I could have done it without Gavin," Alex smiled.

"I'm keeping you guys from getting married aren't I?" Nora frowned as she looked down at her lap.

"No," Alex said firmly. "Your grandfather is!" She looked to Nora and winked at her. "If Gavin and I wanted to, we could get married today...but we want a certain type of wedding. One in which my father walks me down the aisle. So we wait until he is completely better."

"That and Queen Madelyn has this elaborate plan of a wedding," Alex sighed. "I don't even know if I need the wedding anymore. I feel like Gavin and I are already married." She stroked Nora's hair.

"I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor for you," Alex told her.

"Gavin is a doctor," Nora pointed out.

"Well, this doctor isn't like Gavin," Alex nodded. "This one is going to help you deal with the pain you are trying to deal with alone. Something I missed."

"I don't hurt," Nora told her. "I can run all day!"

"You don't hurt?" Alex asked her turning to the page with the dark woods. "I know better." Alex said running her fingers over the drawing. "Do you know how I know?" Nora shrugged.

"A great artist can make those who see their work, feel their work," Alex told her. "That's the trick, every artist tries to make you feel what they want you to feel. Take a writer for example, the writer tries to make you feel what the characters in their book feels with words. A painter will do the same with colors on canvass. A sculptor with clay."

"See, the hardest part about being an artist, isn't the actual drawing or whatever, it's the fact you are baring your soul to the world," Alex explained. "You've done that here." Alex whispered as she moved closer to Nora.

"I look at this and I know exactly how you feel," Alex explained. "Because it makes me feel that way too."

"I feel lost when I look at this," Alex continued running her fingers down a tree. "I feel alone. Scared. Becoming an artist isn't the hard part, the hard part is the fact you are naked in front of everybody. That's what Grandpa used to tell me. You have no secrets as an artist. If you are sad, it shows in your art. If you are happy, it shows. If you are scared, sad, lonely...it all comes out, whether you want it to or not."

"But don't worry, that's what makes it great," Alex said with a squeeze. "You put yourself into it."

"I didn't mean to swear at Miss Monon," Nora admitted.

"Well," Alex smiled. "Let's just keep that between the two of us, you can apologize to Miss Monon tomorrow and I'm sure that will make her happy." Nora nodded.

"Is Uncle Gavin the reason you are so happy?" Nora asked her.

"What do you mean?"

"All your artwork from the show," Nora shrugged. "It was all bright, I was walking around looking at it and it made me happy when I saw them."

"Gavin makes me happy," Alex nodded. "So do you. I think Gavin and I thought we couldn't get any happier than we were, then you came into our lives and we realized, there was a lot more happiness to be had!"

"So are you going to have kids of your own?" Nora asked as they stood up.

"I don't know, I hope so," Alex said. "Would that bother you?"

"No, I would love a little brother," Nora admitted.

***

"What all should I take?" Nora asked looking in her dresser.

"You are just spending the night," Gavin pointed out as he put her toothbrush in the overnight bag. "Not joining the Marines!" He teased.

"What's the Marines?" she asked him.

"The Marines is a soldier who can't be beaten, they are the toughest, the baddest and the strongest," Gavin told her.

"A soldier?" she asked.

"Yep," Gavin nodded.

"I don't want to be a soldier," Nora told him.

"Don't have to be," Gavin shrugged. "Just take your PJ's and your favorite blankie." He suggested.

Nora began to fold up her blanket.

"Hey," Gavin said sitting down. "I got a call from school today." Nora stopped in mid fold. "Want to talk about it?"

"Are you mad?" she asked carefully.

"No," Gavin said sitting down next to her. "Look, I'm never going to be mad at you...we all make mistakes."

"I just...," Nora tried to explain but wound up just shrugging as she realized she couldn't.

"It's the language you used that bothers me," Gavin told her.

"My dad says it," Nora told him.

"Just because an adult says it, doesn't mean it's ok to say," Gavin pointed out. "As a matter of fact, I don't know if I would ever say something an adult would say!" He joked.

"I'm sorry," Nora said to him sitting next to him.

"Ok," Gavin said. "No more bad language...promise?"

"Promise," Nora said shaking his pinky with hers.

"It's ok to be angry but you can't do the things you did today," Gavin told her pulling her into a hug.

"Aunt Alex wants me to go to a doctor," Nora told him. "Why can't I just see you?"

"Well, first things first, doctors don't work on family if they can help it," Gavin explained. "As a doctor we have to be impartial and we have to be a bit distant from our patients."

"But aren't you Queen Madelyn's doctor?" Nora asked.

"For some things, yes," Gavin nodded. "But for most things, no, I can't keep my personal feelings from clouding my decisions so I usually refer her to other doctors when there is something wrong."

"It's hard to explain, but when you are a doctor you may have to give them bad news, but if you are close to them you may not want to admit it to yourself," Gavin tried to explain. "When I was in Med School I had that problem with a friend. In the end I did more harm than good because I refused to admit that I couldn't help her, when I finally did admit it to myself...I was too late."

"What happened?" Nora asked.

"Nothing," Gavin told her kissing her head. "Grab your blanket and let's get you over there!" Gavin said changing the subject.

"What are you going to do tonight?" Nora asked him going down the stairs.

"Well don't tell your Aunt...but I have a nice dinner out planned and maybe we will go to this club I heard about that has live music," Gavin told her. "She has been so stressed out about the art showing I thought we could go out and let off some steam!"

"She will love that!" Nora smiled. "Do you think you are married?"

The question stopped Gavin and he turned on the stairs.

"What?" he asked her.

"Aunt Alex said she feels like she is married to you already," Nora told him.

"Did she say that with a smile?" Gavin asked with a wink.

"Yes!" Nora pushed on him.

"I guess she is right," Gavin nodded. "Marriage is the way you feel in your heart."

"I hope I find a husband like you!" Nora said jumping into his arms.

"Well," Gavin smiled. "Let's get through fourth grade first, huh? We'll marry you off next year!"

"Uncle Gavin! Quit teasing!" Nora begged.

***

Alex had her head down, her secret smile on full display as they walked down the sidewalk. Dinner was a throwback to earlier times. Times when there was no pressure, no pressure of art showings. No pressure of being thrown into becoming a mom, wife, sub, artist and whatever other hat she would have to wear. Tonight she was just a woman who was in love with the man sitting across from her.