Secret Smiles and Three Little Words

Chapter 57

"These sessions are going nowhere!" he raged suddenly, standing up and walking to the window.

"Jack," Sy said patiently. "These things take time."

Jack had been on his sabbatical now for three weeks. He was still no further along that he was when he got here. He was still dreaming of her...sexually. He was still seeing her daily.

"Sy," Jack exhaled as he leaned his head against the glass of the window. "I don't think this is going to work."

"It will work if you forgive yourself," Sy told him.

"I don't deserve it."

"Then I'm going to have you committed," Sy said forcefully.

"Why?"

"Because, I have seen the look in your eye before," Sy told him. "When you finally give up, you become a danger to yourself."

"Tell me you haven't thought about it," Sy dared him. Jack said nothing as he closed his eyes.

"Do you think I was wrong to give her absolution?" Jack asked him.

"I'm not that type of priest," Sy pointed out. "It's a judgement call, suicide is a mortal sin. There are those in the church that believe there is no absolution for it." Jack nodded that he understood that.

"But here is the rub," Sy said sitting forward and putting his notebook down. "As a psychiatrist I look more at a person's inner workings. In my studies I know there is a psychological term call 'suicide by cop'."

Jack returned to his seat and sat down.

"What does that have to do with me?" Jack asked him. "I'm not going to run out and have a cop shoot me...I couldn't live with the fact that cop would have to deal with the knowledge he killed someone."

"No," Sy said with a smile. "My point is this, even if someone else is the reason for your death, is it still suicide if you do something that is going to ultimately lead to your death?"

Jack shrugged as he looked at him as he had no idea where he was going with this line of thinking.

"In medical terms, yes, it's still suicide, hence the term," Sy told him. Jack nodded that he agreed.

"Well, put that in our line of work," Sy suggested. "Do we give absolution to him? If he did something he knew someone else would be required to kill him? Granted he didn't

physically

take his own life...but he caused it to happen. Is it a technicality? Do we grant him in his time of need a chance to meet his maker with a clear conscious?"

"God I wished you would speak English so I could understand," Jack grumbled. "I'm too damn tired to play mind games."

"Then this will absolutely blow your mind," Sy told him. Jack sighed as he didn't need his mind blown right now. He needed sleep, days upon days of sleep. "Walk with me on this...does the church consider suicide by cop a mortal sin?" Jack nodded.

"Why?"

"Because to do anything that you know will result in your death is suicide, the fact you didn't do the actual physical part of your death is irrelevant...it's the frame of mind. You wanted to die," Jack told him. Sy chuckled and stood up. "What?"

"Frame of mind? What was Livy's frame of mind?" Sy asked him.

"Regret," Jack told him softly. "Remorse."

"So, isn't that frame of mind more important?" Sy asked him. "If frame of mind is important, shouldn't that be the only thing we consider?" Jack nodded.

"Now add this little nugget to your already scrambling brain, is it any different from somebody who rides a motorcycle recklessly and gets in a crash that he knew was bound to happen sooner or later," Sy continued his head aching line of thought. "Do we give them absolution?" Jack nodded.

"Why?" Sy asked him.

"He didn't know for certain, that his actions were going to result in his death," Jack told him wearily.

"So that's the line?" Sy asked him. "Certainty?" Jack nodded.

"Then, by that same thought process...Did Christ commit suicide?" Sy asked him.

"Are you out of your mind?" Jack gasped, his brain screeching to a halt at the most absurd question he had ever heard.

"Did He not do things He knew...

certainly

...would end in His death?" Sy asked. "Did He not know that His death would occur with His actions? Yet He still went through with them. So in that same frame of mind, when the Romans, or cop in our case, had to kill Him...and He knew that was going to happen for a

certainty

...is that not suicide by cop?"

"It's not the same," Jack laughed without any sense of humor.

"Who decides that?" Sy asked him. "Christ knew His teachings would lead to His death...a man comes out of his house and threatens a cop with a fake or unloaded gun...the end result is they both knew how that was going to end. They actually wanted it! They both embrace it...one becomes our Savior, then other burns in Hell for a mortal sin."

Sy opened the door and began to leave.

"You know if the Church hears your theory there, you are going to have a lot to answer for," Jack laughed.

"We will all have a lot to answer for," Sy told him. "Even Pope Francis...but the good news is, the Righteous will do it. So I leave you with this tender little nugget...did you, in a woman's most horrible moment give comfort because you rested her soul with absolution, thus saving her from a mortal sin? Did you do your duty to save those who wanted to be saved?" Jack sat there, his mind slipping gears as he tried to process that.

"But in the end, that's not what's bothering you," Sy pointed out. "Whether you were right or wrong about giving her absolution...I mean really, the only thing you can do is say some magic words, but ultimately, in the end, the Lord grants or doesn't grant absolution."

"No, the real problem you must answer is, do

you

deserve absolution," Sy finished. "Until you make that decision, until you decide if you deserve or even want to wear that collar...it will still feel like shackles around your neck."

Jack sat there in the room looking out the window for a few minutes. His mind was tired. His body was tired. His clothes were baggy on him from his weight loss. Walking outside he decided to go for a drive into town for a distraction.

It was an hour before he realized where he was going, he knew it when he saw the cemetery. He had subconsciously driven to her. He sat in the car for a good twenty minutes before he forced his feet to move and got out and walked to her grave site. The grass just beginning to take root, the grave was becoming green with it, less brown.

He walked to a nearby tree and sat down under it. He wanted to sleep, but instead he stared at the only thing left of Livy, her headstone. He lowered his head and tried to block the visions of her in his waking dreams.

The soft smell of perfume had him lifting his head, expecting to see her haunting form yet again. But it wasn't her. He watched the woman stand there after placing flowers at Livy's grave. Lost in thought. Lost in the emotions. The tears falling softly down her face. She looked just as tired as he felt.

Part of him was angry, knowing what this woman before him had done to Livy. He blinked away the tears only to find Livy standing just beyond the headstone looking at him. The woman's head bowed as she cried hard, silent tears.

Livy intimated with her head her demand he do something for the crying woman. Her eyes widening, reinforcing her demand. He shook his head at her, refusing to provide any comfort for her mother.

Livy stomped her foot petulantly and pointed to her mother, her body doing something he had never seen from her. Demand. He rolled his eyes and lifted his tired body from the shade of the tree. Livy crossed her arms across her chest angrily as she scowled at his slow approach.

"Mrs. Lasko?" Jack croaked out.

The woman jumped at the voice from the silence of the serenity surrounding them.

"I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"No," she shook her head and wiped her tears. "I just thought I was alone."

"Yeah," he smiled. "I thought I would be too."

Marylyn looked at him, it took a few moments to recognize him.

"I'm sorry," she gasped when she realized who it was. "I didn't recognize you without your collar!"

"Yeah," he frowned. "I'm kind of on a sabbatical." He explained as he touched his bare throat.

"Why?" she asked.

"Doubt," he said simply.

"Because of what happened?" she asked him turning back to the headstone.

"Yes," he admitted.

They stood there saying nothing, the silence killing them both. He looked to Livy who rolled her eyes angrily. He shook his head. What did Livy want from him? Did she want him to do the impossible and give comfort to this woman who was directly responsible for Livy making the choices she made? There was no way that was going to happen any time soon.

"Well," Jack said finally when the silence could be bore no longer. "I'll take my leave of you."

"Thank you," Marylyn whispered. The tears returning.

Jack turned and took two steps before opening his eyes. Now Livy stood in front of him. Her eyes angry, her face hard.

"She needs you Jack!" Livy told him.

"I don't care," he replied.

"Liar," Livy countered. "Of all the people that need Father Jack back, that woman needs him the most!"

"I can't," he whispered. "I hate her."

"That's my mother!" Livy growled. "Show her what I fell in love with! Your heart, your love...your compassion!"

Jack turned and slowly walked back to her.

"Did I do this to her?" Marylyn asked him, knowing he came back to her.

"It's hard to say who is to blame," Jack said softly. "Are you to blame with your words and your belief? Or am I to blame with my lack of a decision and my absence?"

"I don't understand," she told him.

"Neither do I...some things can't be explained," he told her. "I was with another of my congregation...celebrating the life they brought into this world. When Livy needed me the most...I wasn't there." They stood there quietly for a few moments. He behind her watching her body shake with her tears.

"I'm so lost!" Marylyn finally admitted. "I have no hope of being found!" Jack looked to the God he felt had forsaken him. Looking for answers.

"The most important thing," Jack said with a deep exhale. "Is to not let Livy's death be in vain."

"What?"

"On many of our conversations," Jack told her. "We talked about you...your church." Marylyn closed her eyes. Her former church.

"She was so worried about you," Jack admitted. "That you were being led down the wrong road."

"She was right," Marylyn cried out. "I was so blind...I was so foolish!"

"The great thing about going down the wrong road," Jack said softly. "Is once you realize it's the wrong road, all you have to do...is turn around. Once you have accomplished that impossible feat, walking back is easy."

Marylyn's shoulder heaved as she cried. With every ounce of available energy she had, she turned to face him. With an uneasy step she closed the distance between them. Jack did the rest and pulled her into an embrace and let the woman sob into him.

"Welcome to the path of redemption," Jack whispered into her hair as she clutched him like a frightened child. His tears dropping into her hair. He looked up and saw Livy smiling at him. A soft bright tear streaking down her face.

She wiped it clear and blew him a kiss from her fingertips, the smile bright and happy.

***

Marylyn sat at the table with him, his face scruffy with his beard. His face tired and hollow.

"I didn't think it would come to this," she told him.

"How could you?" he asked her.

"I thought my church was Christianly," she whispered.

"It's not the church, it's the leader," he told her. "But there are more churches, with better leaders."

"So often we ridiculed others that left for another faith," Marylyn frowned at his suggestion.

"Why does one faith have to have a monopoly?" Jack asked her as he sipped from his coffee cup. "There are those in my faith, Catholicism, they also feel that only we will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. God doesn't say that! All He says is those that believe in Him, shall not parish but have everlasting life!"

"Is it that simple?" she asked him.

"You think that is simple?" Jack laughed. "To believe in something that you have no tangible proof of? Only a feeling you get when He touches your heart? And the rest of the world ridiculing you for believing in some magical invisible being? That's simple?"

"Then how do we do it?" Marylyn asked. "How do we find a church that's right?"

"By walking into one and listening," Jack smiled. "My family was Methodists...I didn't feel God moving in me there, using me." Jack shrugged when she looked to him. "My father finally sat me down and said 'son, your path may be elsewhere'."

"So I left, and began walking alone," Jack whispered. "I found a Catholic church in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. A small woman was praying, I sat down in the back. As she was leaving she smiled at me and struck up a conversation."

"Within that conversation, I felt...moved," Jack told her. "Her passion...her conviction!"

"When I got home I found a local church and started going...I felt God move more in the short time I had spent in Catholicism than I had my entire life!" Jack smiled remembering the feeling.

"I realized then, that God doesn't care which house you reside in, it's where your heart is," Jack shrugged.

"What do I do then?" Marylyn asked him.

"Start looking for a new house," Jack said firmly. "God will stop you when you find the right one. One that moves your passion!"

***

"Father!" Corrine called out to him as he came into the rectory.

"Corrine," Jack smiled at her. "Do me a favor, call Sybian and tell him I won't be returning."

"Are you sure?" she asked him.

"Yes," he nodded. "I'm not to be disturbed, I have a sermon to prepare and I'm behind."

"Of course Father," Corrine smiled.

Jack walked into his room after showering and shaving the scruff from his face. He walked to his dresser and pulled out a shirt and a fresh collar. He put it on and for the first time in a long time. He felt right.

***

Alex sat laughing with Gavin and her father, they were teasing each other mercilessly as they watched the game. The doctors finally clearing it to allow him to watch his Penguins on TV. Tonight they were facing the Blackhawks, Gavin rooting them on.

"Guys are so silly," Nora finally said as a commercial came on.

"How is that?" Alex asked her.

"To get all excited about hockey!" Nora frowned.

"Sacrilege!" Al exclaimed. "We are going to have to make a believer out of you!"

"What?" Nora asked him, narrowing her eyes on him.

"We will have to take you to a live game," Al smiled. "Hockey is much better in person!"

Nora rolled her eyes showing she didn't believe that. She went back to her book on Alex's IPad instead.

The door opening had then all turning to see who it was, Krista walked in with Trevor.

"Cool!" Trevor immediately said. "You have the game on!" He quickly pulled a chair to where he could watch.

"Silly boys," Nora grumbled as she used her finger to swipe the screen for a new page.

"Hey," Krista said to Alex. "Can I talk to you for a sec?" Alex rolled her eyes and let out a deep disappointed breath. She stood and replaced Nora from her lap to her chair. Following her older sister out into the hallway.

"What?" Alex asked. Her anger seeping through the one word warning her sister not to start an argument.

"Have you seen Mom?" Krista asked, ignoring her sister's anger.

"No," Alex grunted.

"Neither have we," Krista told her.

"What?" Alex asked. "She is living with you!"

"She was," Krista told her. "I came home Monday and found this note." She said holding it up.

"What does it say?" Alex asked her.

"Says she is going to take a few days alone to think," Krista shrugged. "Says not to worry, she will call when she has found some answers." Alex snatched the letter from her sister and read it herself.

"She didn't come to Bible study on Wednesday," Krista told her. Alex looked at her. Mother always went to church. She could be sick as a dog and she crawled in there. Alex felt a little nugget of concern form.

"Is this because you guys were banished to the back pew?" Alex asked her loudly. Krista immediately looked to the ground.

"What?"

"Last Sunday," Krista began slowly. "We got there early...sat in our usual spot."

"And?"

"Mom was forced to sit in the back row...alone," Krista finished.

"Why?"

"We didn't save her a seat," Krista said softly.

"You people just aren't getting it are you?" Alex suddenly raged. "It's already killed one of us...how many more have to die before you idiots get your head out of your asses?"

"What are you talking about?" Krista asked defensively.

"All for this stupid fucking church," Alex said shaking her head. "Turn your back on your own flesh and blood. Way to go Judas...be sure to collect your pieces of silver. You might need it when the church turns on you as well...and you will be alone...in the back of the church."

Alex walked back into the room angrily.

"What's all that caterwauling?" Al asked immediately when the two girls came back in.

"Nothing," Alex said sitting down on the bed with him.

"Alexandria?" Al growled. Alex looked to the bed as she picked up his hand and thought of how to break this to him.

"Mom is missing," Alex told him softly.

"I thought she was with you?" Al barked at Krista.

"She was," Krista assured him. "But she left Monday, left only this note." Al snapped it from her and read it. "She didn't show up for Bible study last night either."

***

The knock on the door was strong and hard. It caused her to jump in her seat. Marylyn got up and walked to the door and looked through the peephole. She opened the door slowly.

"Mrs. Marylyn Lasko?" The police officer asked her through the crack in the door.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"May we have a word?" the officer asked her. She nodded and undid the chain on the motel door and let the two police officers in. Her first thought was that there was complications from Al's surgery and that he had died. That she wouldn't be able to handle right now.

"Is everything alright Mrs. Lasko?" one of the officers asked as the other looked around the room.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Marylyn told him.

"Your husband called us," the officer told her. "Said no one has seen you since Monday...he was worried about you."

Marylyn let out a deep sigh of relief.

"Al called about me?" she asked him when the words clicked.

"Yes Ma'am," he confirmed. "He wanted us to do a wellness check." The tears welled in her eyes and it caused the officer to look at his partner.

"I'm fine," she smiled wiping a tear away. "I was just trying to find some answers...alone. It seems a big one just got answered unexpectedly!"

The officers said their goodbyes and made their way to their police cruisers. Marylyn walked to the bed and sat down. She pulled the phone to her and dialed the hospital.

"Hello?" Alex's voice came across the line.

"Alex," Marylyn smiled. "Is Al up for a short conversation...I promise not to upset him and to keep it short."

"It's Mom," Alex said, her voice distant telling Marylyn that she was holding it out to her father.

"Jesus Marylyn, where are you?" Al asked immediately.

"I'm in a motel," she said softly.

"Are you ok?" he asked the relief filling his voice and the line.

"I haven't been ok in years," Marylyn admitted. "But I'm working on it." There was a silence on the phone.

"What can I do to help?" Al offered.

"Just believe that I know I traveled the wrong road for a long time and I'm trying to find my way back to you!" she said through a cracking voice.