Chapter 19*
Alex walked into the condo with a happy step. She had gone to the bank to deposit her check and now her bank account seemingly breathed a sigh of relief! Never before had her checkbook possessed the number it now had. She even opened a savings account. Just because she had the money to do so!
Turning the corner she stopped in her tracks. There were boxes neatly packed and stacked in the middle of the floor. Each one tightly shut with tape. She saw the names on the side. Kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and other descriptions were written in Gavin's handwriting in black marker.
"Gavin!" she called out staring at the boxes. She went to the bedroom, the bed was made and there was nobody in the room. "Elizabeth!" she called out but she received no reply. They weren't home.
She went back to the living room and the boxes. Her heart began to race in her chest as she thought about what the boxes meant for her. Was Elizabeth done? Was the fight last night for the lies so bad that this is the result? Part of her was cautiously happy. Happy that the fear that had been built in her that Elizabeth leaving wasn't the forgone conclusion Gavin said it was. Part shamed that Elizabeth had brought her into this world and she owed her some measure of loyalty.
Pulling out her phone she hit the speed dial for Gavin but the slamming of the front door made her realize she didn't need to. Gavin came around the corner and stopped when he saw Alex in the living room. His face hard and angry. Part of both melted away upon seeing her there.
"What's going on?" Alex asked after taking a deep swallow. The moment of elation now gone from her banking visit.
"Elizabeth is moving out," Gavin said harshly his eyes flashing danger.
"What?" Alex asked. "Why?"
"Because she would rather do heroin than be with me," he barked angrily. She could see he was trying to keep from yelling it, but only half managed.
"Oh my God baby!" She said softly coming to him. "I'm so sorry!"
"Why?" he barked pushing her hands away from him. Not wanting her soothing embrace. Not wanting to let go of the anger. He needed it to steel himself from being slammed with pain of regret. If he was angry, he wasn't thinking of the pain of Carla. Or the pain of Elizabeth. Alex touching him would break down the anger. Break down the hate. Rip through the steel wall. She would break him.
His moving away from her at the same time brought her worst fears into play now. Any happiness she had was drowned in the fear that Gavin would do what Pavel said and push her away. She could feel the invisible slap at her from the tone of his voice and the way he moved away from her.
"Don't do this," Alex argued softly. Pavel's words came flooding back to her mind. That he would try to push her away. Would this be it? To keep from being hurt by anyone.
"Do what?" Gavin asked closing his eyes. Alex saw through it. She knew that he knew exactly what she was talking about.
"Push me away," she said softly as she finally got her arms around him. He sighed deeply and put his arms around her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered in her hair. "I'm so angry right now."
"I know," she whispered pulling him tighter. "You can't stop her from making a mistake. You can only counsel her that she is making one!"
"She leaving me for drugs and Royce!" Gavin growled.
"No," Alex said taking his face in her hands. "She is leaving because she is a fool!"
"She is leaving because of drugs and Royce," Gavin repeated.
"Which makes her a fool!" Alex said with a disbelieving laugh. "If she can't see what I see, she doesn't deserve you." She guided him to the couch and sat him down. She then maneuvered herself in behind him and straddled him with her legs. She began a massage on his tense shoulders.
"What are you doing?" he asked her looking over his shoulder and taking her hand to stop her.
"Go with it," she ordered him. "You take care of everybody else, let me take care of you for right now!" She saw the fire in his eyes. He didn't like being spoken to that way and she could tell he was thinking of ending everything to protect himself. So she was really pushing her luck.
"It would please me, Sir," she said softly. He smiled a tired smile and let go of her hand. "Thank you." He nodded.
"You can only protect those who let you," Alex said softly. "You have done that with her up till now. Now she needs to learn the lesson. Sometimes the only way to learn it is the hard way."
"And if it kills her?" Gavin asked bluntly. The tear that fell, Alex saw, but said nothing. She wondered if that tear was for Elizabeth or Carla.
"You have done all you can," she whispered pulling him in tighter. "You can't make her let you protect her!"
"Where is she?" Alex asked carefully.
"I needed her gone," Gavin whispered. "So I got her a place in Chicago, I can't go down the road she is going down....not again. So I got her a place fast, just to get her the hell out of here. I was up all night packing her stuff. She is there now signing the papers. I've also checked her into a hotel until she gets her furniture bought and delivered."
Gavin leaned forward and put his face in his hands and blew out another breath. He was exhausted and she could see it. She continued to knead his tight back. Starting at his shoulders, then working her way down to the small of his back.
Then back up to his neck. She traveled slowly down his spine making rivets of goosebumps wash across his skin. He looked back at her over his shoulder with a half grin. One she figured was the best he could muster given the circumstances.
"What is that grin for?" she asked him kissing his back and wrapping her arms around his chest as she laid her head on his back and listened to his heartbeat.
"You really are good with your hands," he told her.
"See," she smiled against his back. "You should let me use my hands more often!"
"Something to consider," he said rubbing her forearms as they stretched around him.
"Really?" she asked.
"Absolutely not," he chuckled. "I like driving you crazy by not letting you use your hands. One of my petty tortures."
"What goes around, comes around my love," she smiled. Then she thought about what came from her lips so easily.
My love.
Alex coaxed Gavin from the couch and led him by the hand into the bedroom. He shook his head as she pulled him to the bed. Pulling back the covers she pushed him to a seated position and he plopped with a bounce on the bed.
She knelt at his feet and untied his shoes and pulled them from his feet. She guided them up into the bed and he let her. A soft smile on his face with the way she was pampering him. A return of what he did for her. Something he normally didn't allow. Something that Alex seemed to get away with. Something he couldn't understand why.
She pulled the covers over him and kissed his temple.
"Sleep," she whispered into his ear. "You are exhausted."
She started to move away from him but he stopped her by taking her hand. She looked back at him with a smile.
"Thank you," he said with a frown. "I'm embarrassed."
"Why?"
"Because you have to see me this way," he said softly. "I hate my weakness."
"You can call it whatever you want," she said kneeling at the bed near his face. She rested her head on her arms as she peered into his eyes. "You can call it an arrangement. You can call it submission. You can call it a friendship. But it's a hard thing to get over when you spend day in and day out with someone for a year."
"Our life isn't like that," Gavin whispered. "I don't love her."
"Bullshit," Alex told him as softly. "You do. Not enough to marry her as you have built up this wall around you to keep you from being hurt again. But make no mistake. You love her. You don't spend that much time with someone without falling in love to some degree."
Alex began to stroke his finger with hers. He seemed so vulnerable right now and that in itself made her excited. She was seeing another side of Gavin. A softer side. A side that wasn't the façade of being a Dom. It clicked. This world he had immersed himself in was a form of insulation. Protecting him.
All the girls in his world were from the life. They were all aware of the arrangement. Maybe that is why he is so confounded by her, she thought as she drowned in his eyes. Maybe that is why he is so taken with her. She could see that he didn't treat her like Elizabeth. She could see that he talked to her differently as well. She hoped that what they had going wasn't an arrangement.
"I can't go down that road again," Gavin whispered as he closed his eyes. She stroked his hair and it soothed him.
"You may not have a choice," Alex whispered. He opened his eyes to her. "I'm sorry, but there is no way you can shut off that desire to protect her."
"I won't go," he said firmly.
"Yes you will," Alex whispered. "It's who you are."
Gavin closed his eyes. She stroked his hair and watched him fall asleep under her soft touches. Her protection.
"But you won't have to do it alone," Alex whispered as she kissed his lips when she knew he was asleep. "You won't be able to push me away!"
Alex was laying on the couch now, her feet pulled up on it as she used her legs for a desk while she laid on her back. She was sketching various designs. Ideas to present to Gabby. None were any good so as soon as she was done she would rip it from her book and toss it haphazardly to the coffee table and start again. She was drawing a blank. Nothing helped her.
Now she was staring at the ceiling trying to come up with one idea. Just one worthy of the Expo. One worthy of thousands of people. One worthy to be talked about for months. Nothing was coming.
The scent of Gavin's cologne wafted around her and brought her from her frustration. She used her head to arch herself on one of the cushions on the couch and peered at him from an upside down cock of her head. She smiled at him as he sat there, his hand propped up on the arm and his face in his fingers as he watched her.
