Despite my physical fatigue and declaration to sleep, I found myself lying in bed, several hours later, wide awake. It was wonderfully comfortable when I first slipped in, but after tossing and turning, and even a couple pillow flips, I still couldn't fall asleep. The events of the preceding evening replaying endlessly in my mind. Re-watching the strange and strangely wondrous sights I had seen.
And dominating it all was Catherine's proposal. Her utterly unthinkable proposal, but I kept thinking about it. And fact itself threw my mind into further turmoil. That I could even consider it in any other terms but rejection. But alongside her proposal, I was also thinking about her offer, to just take me home. I could just nope out of this weekend and all the complicated feelings it suddenly entailed.
If I couldn't fall asleep when tired, then how I could I survive a whole weekend here. I had wanted this to be a mini vacation, a change of pace from my normal trudge, but this was surely too much. Instead I worried about dragging my way back into Monday after not sleeping for two days and scared from what I'd seen. Right now, the vague tiredness of spending all Saturday on my phone sounded almost nice. The certainty of boredom being better than the stomach turning indecision I currently felt.
But, underlining all these thoughts was what I had seen in Lily's eyes. Despite her bonds and dehumanization, she was clearly happy. More than happy, though I couldn't put a name to whatever it was that I had seen.
Thus, for the too-many-th time tonight I flopped my arm over to my phone to check the time. Still just past 1am. Returning to stillness of attempted sleep, I listened to the house. To the creaks and groans of an old house, made prominent by the quiet of the night. Several hours ago, I had heard the puttering of Catherine as she presumably also got ready for bed, but since then, the noises of people had stilled. Isabella probably had also gone off to her little cabin, wherever it was, and tucked into her bed as well. Leaving just me awake.
And maybe Lily? I didn't really know. Surely she had to be asleep. Isabella said she was putting her to bed when I left the barn. But what could that mean for a ponygirl? They wouldn't be making she sleep in her bonds all night, right? Could one even sleep tied up like that? I wasn't able to sleep in this comfy bed, so how would she sleep out there in that barn. Now, from worrying about myself, I found myself worrying about Lily. A worry I found to much more unsettling than my paralyzing distress over the weekend.
And so, I finally made a decision. I got out of bed and crept my way down the hall towards the stairs. I had decided that I would go check on Lily, to verify Catherine's and Isabella's promises that they really cared for her, and to do that inspection outside of their supervision. If I didn't like what I found, I could just end my dithering, march back upstairs, yank Catherine out of bed, and tell her I wanted to go home.
With the aid of re-borrowing the boots from earlier in the night, and a stolen coat when I found the night to be cooler that expected, further adding to my concerns for Lily's welfare sleeping out in the barn. I retraced my steps to the barn and luckily found the door unlock. I guess a byproduct of being so removed from civilization to hide your ponygirls is that also now you didn't have to worry about petty criminals. Instead they should have thought of the righteously concerned, morbidly curious, like myself now slipping in with ease.
The first thing I noticed was that it was warm. So warm that the coat I had grabbed turn out to have only been useful for the twenty second walk over. At least Lily wouldn't be freezing at night. As well, it was much darker than before. Not pitch black, but the overhead lights had been turned out and replaced by dim ones tucked into the corners of the barn. This gave an almost eerie feeling, that or the comforting one of a low camp fire or child's night. I guess that was for the ponygirl to decide.
To find out, I needed to ask Lily. So after a moment taking in the barn's atmosphere, I made my way down towards her stall. Upon reaching it, I found both haves of the door closed. This initially concerned me that I wouldn't be able to get in to see Lily, but like the barn doors were not truly secured but rather just held in place by a simple bolt lock. One that I could slide open but which I did with increasing trepidation. The small creak of its opening further setting me on edge. The combined worry that she might be missing and that I would be disturbing her.
Stepping inside, I found it was far more spacious than I expected with an area extending around the corner from stall's door. This also answer why I could not see Lily through the door as she too was tucked into this corner. She lay on a platform, cushioned and for sleeping, but far outside any tradition notions of a bed.
It lay at about hip height, with a vinyl kind of cushioning covering it, but the not bed character about it was that instead of lying on top of it Lily was embedded into. In about the shape of the a human's body, minus arms and with greater allowance for hoofed feet, there was a cavity. Into this space Lily had been fitted and subsequently kept down by a series of straps crossing her upper body and legs.
Focusing now on Lily herself, she apparently had not heard me enter her stall. Her eyes were still closed and on closer inspection her breathing followed the relaxed regularity of slumber. Despite her odd arrangement for the night, she looked to be sleeping quite peacefully. To my unsettled surprise, I even found myself envious of how she slept in such snugness.
This also made me question my mission tonight. Seeing her again, so obviously at ease and comfortable enough to fall asleep, I began doubting my intention to ask her if she was
truly
okay being a ponygirl. Wasn't seeing her sleeping soundly like this enough? But then again, I myself probably wouldn't be able to relax enough to sleep without knowing for sure. On the other hand, what right did I have a wake her just for the sake of my own pathetic worries.
During this internal debate, I had started to pace back and forth in the stall in worry. But on a pivot back towards the bed I found my dilemma cut short. A pair of eyes peered over the side of the bed at me.
Lily's eyes had the same vibrancy as I had seen earlier in the evening, but now they also held a mix of curiosity and a dash of annoyance. Rushing over to her, I sputtered out my explanation for disturbing her,
"Hi Lily, sorry for waking you, but I am kinda having trouble sleeping."
Now at the edge of the bed, I folded down onto my knees so my face was right over top of hers. In reaction to my explanation, she tilled her head questioningly. It was slight, restricted by headgear and bed padding, but still noticeable. I was once again amazed at how much Lily could communicate with so little.
"You probably heard Catherine ask if I wanted to try being a ponygirl, and the thought has really been keeping me up... cause it's just... it's just..."
I trailed off as I felt my body become more and more unsettled, nervous. I had switched my gaze from lily's face to the wall beside her bed, scared to look at another person while trying to say what I needed to say. But after a moment of awkward silence, I looked back down at Lily, and there didn't find another person but another ponygirl. One that was looking up at me with sympathy in her eyes.
"I've been kept up by Catherine's offer because I'm kinda interested."
Lily replied by the restrained thump from her leg.
Yes
Now with an exchange, though limited as we were, I felt myself relax, not entirely but enough to start opening up. Now with someone to talk to, rather than bouncing around inside my head, words felt like they could finally connect,
"But that's the problem. How could anybody agree to subject themselves to that, and what am I if I can even consider it... So I wanted to come talk to you... without Catherine or Isabella around. To get your true opinion, without any outside interference."
Lily thumped her foot again, and looking at me I saw in her eyes and face the answer to my question,
I already told you I like being a pony girl.
"Well, I guess, I'm just hoping for more information. Both Catherine and Isabella seem to absolutely love ponygirls, but they're not sleeping out in a barn..."
Thump,
Yes
, beat, thump,
But I like sleeping here... or I was sleeping until you showed up.
"I know, I get that, but how can that be normal?"
Thump thump,
No. It's not normal, but it's what I like.
"Yeah, I kinda guessed that. I probably would have heard about this kind of stuff before if it was normal. But I feel normal. So how I can I also feel like I want to try this. By all common sense I should have left this farm hours ago, but instead I'm muddling around here in indecision. How can I be indecisive about something like this?"
Thump,
Because you want to try it.
"Yes I know that." I said in exasperation, "But it has to mean there is something wrong with me."
Thump thump,
Do you think there is something wrong with me?
"Well... not you, but you know. I'm a normal person, and normal people don't do things like this."
