When I opened my eyes, she was sitting up hugging the covers over her knees, staring out the window. I let my hand drift down her naked back, tracing a line between her shoulder blades, touching each vertebra. "Good morning."
"Good morning." Her tone was flat and sullen.
I sat up and scooted back to the headboard. "Do you want to talk about it?" My balls were sore and I had to piss, a lot, but I figured this was more important.
She shrugged, not turning around. "You promised you wouldn't hurt me...and you hurt me."
I let it sit in the air, thinking about what she was saying. I couldn't stay there much longer or my bladder would burst. "I've got to go to the bathroom, and then I was going to make some coffee. Would you like to talk about it in the kitchen?"
She shrugged again and looked away when I crossed the room. It was 9 and I couldn't remember what I had this morning. I knew it was something. As I emptied myself, the stream making a clean arc from the tip of my cock to the bowl, I thought about how we were going to get over this. She was really upset.
When I walked out, she had already gone; I hoped to the kitchen. Worried, I didn't stop to put on a shirt, practically running.
I was slightly hung over, my head throbbing a little and my stomach either growling or nauseous. My inner dialog was going full-tilt, all of the ways in which I might have screwed up, her anger. It was our first fight, I made a mental note, but I didn't want to be fighting with her. I was equal parts concerned and annoyed.
When I turned the corner into the kitchen she was bending over looking in the refrigerator. I could just see her naked ass cheeks and her back β she hadn't bothered to throw anything on, or, I realized later, she didn't have anything at my house.
"I didn't get much to eat last night." She didn't turn away from the shelves, inspecting the containers. "What were these?"
I had no idea what she was looking at and walked over to see. "Cheese puffs. You had a couple I think, before..." I stopped short and turned to attend to the coffee. I needed coffee more than anything else, and if we were going to have a fight, I didn't want to feel quite this cotton-headed. "Loren?"
She looked up momentarily and raised her eyebrows.
"I'm sorry."
She turned away and shrugged, pulling a few tubs off the shelves. "For what?"
I shook my head, measuring the grounds. We're going to play it this way, I thought. "You keep saying I hurt you. That I broke my promise to you. I'm sorry if I hurt you. That wasn't my intention. I don't know what went wrong last night."
"Wrong!?" She turned from the counter and stared at me, anger and self-righteousness written all over her body. The impact was lessened by the fact that she was naked, her breasts and that beautiful bush distracting me, her hair tousled and wild. I stared at her. "What. Went. Wrong????!" Her eyes got shiny.
"I...you...hey!" I quickly dumped water into the back of the machine and started it before I turned and crossed the room. Pulling her close to me, I hugged her tight, her body shaking from sobs.
"I'm so...
mad
at you!!!" She tried to beat her fists into my back but I was too close and she didn't really mean it. All I could feel was her warm body against me, her breasts against my chest, the warmth of her belly on my hardening cock. I could be such an asshole sometimes.
I just hugged her, hoping she would cry it out, but it only got worse.
"You...you...
tricked me
!!! You set me up. You treated me like I was just part of the machinery β entertainment for your fucked up kinky friends!!!" She had pulled away, her face red and tear stained, wild terrible emotions flying across it.
"Friends? You thought those were my friends? You
knew
what Saturday night was about! You listened to me making those calls last week. We talked about it just yesterday morning. This wasn't about
friends
. This was business! You
knew
that!" I held her shoulders, trying to look her in the eye, but she had turned her head down, sobbing.
"You let
her
do those things to me...in front of everyone. I hated you so much! So. Much!" She pummeled her fists against my chest, trying to push me away. I wouldn't let her go.
"Stop it! Loren! Stop it right now! You know you had the control! All you needed was to say the word and it would have stopped! Why didn't you just stop it? I'm sure Anna would have been just as happy using somebody else to demonstrate her skills..."
She crumpled to the floor, taking me with her, her body shaking, sobbing. "I...ugghkkk...I came three times on that thing..." her crying changed to giggling for a moment as she looked at me, as if to say 'fuck you!' "Mamiko could tell, I think, but I couldn't stop it. I'd never felt anything like it...you're such a fucker, you know that?!" She buried her face in my neck, her fists pushing against my side.
I was completely confused at this point. What was this about? Why was she so angry? "I'm so sorry, Loren. I'm so, so sorry I hurt you. Please, can you accept my apology? I don't want to lose you." She needed a lot of TLC, I could tell she was completely conflicted, the memory of our first encounter rushing back to me.
Maybe she really is unstable...
I hadn't really thought about it for awhile, but this behavior...it was befuddling.
Somehow, for whatever reason, the dam broke and she began to cry in earnest, the tears flowing, words flowing, her voice cracking. I couldn't understand most of it, but I knew what ever was happening, it was best to just let her go. She draped her arms on my shoulder, her legs curled under her and she wept, shaking and crying for what seemed like minutes. I just held her, stroking her back, pulling her hair away from her face and waited.
"I...gndgg...I sooo wanted last night to be about
us
..." she eventually got it out and it finally dawned on me. As good as I am with people, I'm an idiot when it comes to my personal relationships. Marnie had all but given up on me until she got sick and none of that mattered anymore.
"Shhh...." I quieted her, letting her catch her breath. "Don't you see? It was about us? That is what we are...."
She pulled back and looked at me, her face a portrait of pure sadness. "Really?" She challenged me quietly. "Is that how you think of us?" She burst into tears again and leaned against me, shaking her head.
"Loren! Loren!" It was my turn to pull back. I was getting irritated, that animal feeling starting to crawl up from wherever it had been for the past week or so. If she was going to twist things around, the morning was going to go nowhere. "Just stop it! Listen to me, just for a minute." I waited until she quieted a little. "
You
came to me, needing to be punished.
You
have been living your entire adult life hiding from yourself.
I
didn't ask to do this, but when you made your needs clear, I found I could give you what you wanted. I've come to love what we are doing. I look forward to exploring this further, of spending more time understanding this. It's all new to me...of course it's not
all
of what we are. But it's where we've started from...right?"
She had started to breathe normally, her hands beginning to play with my hair. "Do you love me?"
I knew that I did. I hadn't said it yet, but I knew this past week that I was starting to feel like I couldn't live without her. I pulled back so she could see my face. "Yes, sweetheart. I do love you. I can't stand the thought of you leaving." I leaned forward and kissed her cheeks, wet from her tears, kissed across her nose, her eyes and then down to her lips, holding her head gently. She kissed me back, more tears squeezing from her closed eyes.
"Why?" She asked when we had stopped to take a breath. "Why did you do it?"
It was a question I would have expected if my wife had found me cheating. That sense of betrayal.
"C'mon," I started to stand up, helping her. "Let's talk some more over a cup of coffee." I remembered what was happening this morning β Jamison was coming over at 11 β it was 9:30. I didn't want to remind her β bad timing β but I wanted her to be here to try the gadgets out. My cock pulsed.
Sitting at the counter, I held her hand, the mugs steaming in front of us. "You keep making it sound as if I betrayed you..."
"You did! You absolutely fucking did! You tricked me!"
"Loren. Stop. Let's agree that there was a complete misunderstanding about the purpose of last night. I thought it was obvious: we needed to get Anna off our backs and I arranged for her to meet some prospects. Right?"
She pursed her lips and looked down at her coffee, nodding almost imperceptibly.
"Did you think you didn't have a punishment coming?"
She shivered and looked at me, petulant. "Not like that. It wasn't fair..."
I let that ride. "I think you had a different notion about what last night was supposed to be about, right? I think you thought last night was a chance to meet my friends and share our relationship with them, right? And you don't want our
public
relationship to be defined by our intimate power relationship. Is that fair?"
Her eyes were brimming again and she nodded her head. "Yes." She whispered. "That's it exactly. You've ruined it for me with those people. They'll always see us...that way..."
I moved my hand down her back to comfort her. "But don't you understand? Those people aren't my friends. They aren't your friends. Didn't you see why they were there? It was business, as far as I and Anna were concerned. It was a night out as far as they were concerned. They were abso-fucking-lutely overjoyed at the performance you put on..."
"Performance!!!? Is that what you think was happening to me???" She was crying again.
"I know that's not what you thought it was...it was bad. I get that. But I'm going to say it again. You need to put a stop to it if you're getting hurt. Please. Tell me you understand that."