11/29/2021
I did something really stupid. I can't say what, but it put myself and someone else in danger. Everyone's okay. It worked out fine, but it could have been bad. As a result, I'm waiting for potentially the most serious punishment I've ever received.
And I've waited 4 days for it now. He couldn't deal with it right away because my family was there. Then, we both got sick. Wrex promised that I'm safe from punishments while I'm sick.
Every second is stuffy, swollen, achy torture. With each symptom that starts to relieve itself, I get closer to that punishment. And I find myself wanting to hold onto my illness just a little bit longer while simultaneously just wanting to get it over with. It's an agonizing stuck feeling.
This is my first real punishment since we "removed" safewords (I can still use a 'red' for emergencies, but I can't use 'yellow' anymore to turn down the intensity or to get out of a punishment). I trust him completely and he knows my limits. I love being able to give him this control. But it also feels like there's this impossibly heavy weight in my stomach.
Yesterday I really felt like I was sinking. At the peak of my illness, feeling guilty and ashamed for what I did, I asked him "Do you still love me?"
He gave me a look I'll never forget. Love and stern vexation. "Come here," he growled.
I obeyed and he gripped my chin between his fingers, forcing my eye contact. "That's a stupid question. Of course I love you. And once you get better, you'll take your punishment, and then we'll move on."
He gave me an aggressive kiss and the sinking feeling in my stomach turned into fluttering.
Normally he gives punishments right away. I've never had to sit with this feeling for so long. It's made me appreciate our dynamic even more. I love that we have our own system in place to resolve these fights, to make this sinking feeling go away.
Right now, I'm under a heated blanket with a cup of tea and a dose of Nyquil, watching movies from my childhood with the love of my life and the man that's going to absolutely destroy me in a couple of days once I'm better. And I feel so safe.
12/10/2021 - The Day of Wreckoning
"Your task when we get home is to make dinner and peel the ginger root in the fridge."
I swallowed hard. It was finally happening. It's been almost two weeks since I did the really stupid thing I can't talk about. The thing that could have killed me. I was promised a punishment I wouldn't forget, but then I got sick. Then our family was here. Then I got food poisoning. But today there was nothing to save me.
"I might still be sick," I tried.
"You were well enough to workout and hang out with friends, you're well enough to be punished. We're doing this tonight. It's been delayed long enough."
I stayed silent and let my fate sink in. We still had another 40 minutes left in our drive, but the minutes flew by. My mind raced between all the possibilities for my punishment. I knew I was going to get figged. And he had me buy clothespins. Clothespins weren't bad. He also bought himself a bullwhip on his birthday yesterday and he has been playing with it idly like a damn fidget toy, whipping pillows and light switches. I really fucking hated that thing. It's pure stingy hell. Thinking about it being used in a punishment capacity made me audibly whimper.
When we got home, I started right away on dinner. I took my time with it, putting extra care into the process and presentation. Air-fried everything-seasoned cod, kale and cabbage salad with feta and avocado, and a side of lobster bisque. While the bisque was simmering, I peeled the ginger root and shaped it into a plug. I was thankful he let me do it, giving me the chance to mold it into a comfortable size.
As I was peeling the ginger, he came into the kitchen and rummaged through the tupperware cabinet until he found a small round container and lid.
"What do you need that for?"
"You'll see." He walked over to me, assessing my work with the ginger root. "Set the table and leave that on the cutting board. I'll help you insert it when we're done eating."
My last meal. At least he let me eat before being figged.
I ate slowly. My eyes kept wandering to the ominous tupperware container. I knew he put it on the table on purpose. He wanted me to think about it. To dwell.
I gave myself a small portion for dinner but I still couldn't finish it. My nerves killed my appetite.
"Are you done?" he asked, eyeing my half eaten bowl.
I considered picking at it for another few minutes. But it didn't matter. It was going to happen sooner or later. I wanted it over with. I pushed my bowl away.
"I'll take care of the dishes. I want you to undress completely. I expect you completely naked when I get back."