26

Chapter 20

In the morning Rob got busy. After walking the dogs, he got some work done by e-mail. He suggested times to move a few appointments, clearing his schedule. After lunch, he and the dogs got into his car for the drive back to Helena's house. As he passed familiar landmarks showing him he was nearly there, he felt his stomach tighten up. He still felt uneasy despite agreeing to return to talk.

Turning off the car in the car park behind Helena's big house, he tilted his his head back to the headrest and took a deep breath. Was he mad? Nothing to do but go forward. He got out then let the dogs out of the back seat. He entered by the back door, avoiding the entry hall. He could hear quiet voices in the living room and almost walked in there before remembering Sylvia telling him Helena would not leave her bedroom. He turned to go up the stair, the dogs at his heel.

Softly, Rob opened the door to Helena's room. He saw Helena sitting at her make-up table. She had his picture in front of her and, to his surprise, was holding one of his old jumpers in her hands. The dogs went to her faster than Rob was willing to walk and silent on the carpet. He closed the door behind him. The dogs pushed their noses against her leg. Absently she started to caress them, then she suddenly realized there was only one reason the dogs would be there.

With a start she turned, her eyes filling with tears when she saw him coming to her. She was unable to speak; she just stared at him, mouth slightly agape, as if she couldn't believe he was really there.

Rob stood there silently for a couple of seconds, then he knelt beside her chair, pulling her into his embrace and kissing the tears from her cheeks. When she spoke, her voice was a raspy whisper. "How... when... Are you coming back to me?"

"I'm here to talk."

"I thought you were gone. I was convinced this time it was real. Why did you change your mind?"

"I had a little talk with Sylvia. She isn't just very loyal to you. If you haven't seen how deeply she loves you, you're missing something wonderful, something important. She told me just how hard this hit you. Jenny arrived shortly after. She had a lot to say. She told me about myself, she told me about you, she told me to come talk to you." While driving over he'd decided not to mention Jenny had shown him what details Marion felt free to omit.

"So, I'm here to talk. But I don't know what will happen after we talk."

"Oh Rob. My dearest, I was so afraid I had lost you, I'll never let you go. Hold me, hold me tight!"

Rob led her to her bed, they sat, just holding each other, for quite a long time.

"Do the others know you're back?"

"No. I came straight up to you. You are the only person I came to see, the others are a distraction. I was told you needed me, I found I needed to see you. I thought long and hard about what happened, but Jenny pointed out a few things that changed my thinking. Ah, before I forget, you're in her debt. She told me what the price was, you won't like it." He grimaced. "I won't like it."

"I know exactly what she wants, she's quite welcome and we'll talk about her later."

"Helena, let me warn you: never again can I be the toy you just give to someone. Remember the monogamy restriction, now even more firmly in force. I have not consented to do anything with Jenny. Do not make promises I will not keep."

Suddenly sober, Helena nodded. Then she brightened, saying "We must tell Marion you're back. We can get the plans back in motion for the party, just move it to next Saturday!" She stood and started for the door.

Rob rose as well. "Helena, stop! Stop!"

"What?"

"I am not back. I am not here to put your plans back in motion. I here only to speak with you, nothing else. As I said, the others are a distraction I do not want."

Rob could see Helena's excitement fade. Finally she was starting to think again instead of feeling the emotions of his return.

"Helena, I think Marion gets some credit for my coming back. She sent Jenny to me, apparently she expected Jenny still has influence with me."

"Okay. But she won't join us to talk?"

"She will not. I'm going to talk with you, alone, privately. Once you and I have an agreement, we might talk with the others. You might talk with Marion, but she has little say in this."

"What do you have against Marion?"

"I've told you already, I'll never trust her. She continues to make mistakes at my expense. She will never be my mistress, full stop. If you persist in talking as though she will be the domina and you will be the playful wife, then the answer is we cannot marry."

"Really, when did you tell me you would never trust her?"

Rob stepped away from her, turning so he could face her directly. "Helena, I've tried to tell you to stop and re-evaluate her contributions to these issues several times. Just a week ago I told you flat-out, the reason I say never a mistress, never a collar, is to assure Marion is excluded."

Helena thought for a long time. "Rob, you meant it, didn't you?" It seemed much of what he'd said in the past had been set aside. Now, finally, it was being considered. There was another long silence as Rob gave her the time she needed to decide how to deal with these questions. "I can throw her out, I can do it today."

"That sounds a little harsh."

Helena was relieved to her him say that. He didn't fly to Marion's defense, but he also pointed out what was unreasonable. At least he wasn't in that scary, too-calm voice.

"Okay, what do we do?"

"You and I must have a very forthright discussion of what you're really planning. I got this advice a month ago and I've failed to act on it. In fact, there will be a group discussion on the topic: you, Marion, Cathy and I. Ideally, Kim as well. I will ask questions of you, Helena. I want the others, all of your circle, to hear your answers." Rob's insight, found only as he came up the stair to Helena, was that he also wanted to see how each of them participated, to judge who was part of Helena's plan and who was not.

"We might spend the entire week in discussion. We'll decide by Friday whether there will be an engagement party."

"Okay. Will you stay here?"

"I'll sleep in a bedroom down the hall. I didn't come here to have sex with you or anyone else. What you do is entirely your affair." Rob stood, extending his hand. "Okay, let's go look at your work diary. We have quite a bit of talking, let's make the time."

He escorted Helena downstairs, the dogs following. Rob intended to go straight to Helena's library, where she kept her desk, but the dogs went ahead of them into the living room instead, where they were greeted by cries of joy. Rob took Helena into the living room, it couldn't be avoided. He paused as soon as he'd entered, to see who was in the room, who he would be required to deal with.

"Look who's there!" Kim shouted. She darted from her seat and was the first to greet them. She kissed Rob and then Helena "I knew it. I told you so, Helena."

Cathy gave Rob a friendly push to his ribs. "Bastard! You did it again." She smiled as she said it, but Rob could see she hadn't been so very sure about his return.

Rob held up his hand. His response was to Cathy's words, but for everyone present to hear. "Ladies! The next person to call me a bastard or in any other way suggest I am the sole cause and I am the sole solution to our troubles, will bring this all instantly to a complete end. You, we, are in a fragile situation. Do not think I am back. I am only here to consider whether I might return. All of you will make a small contribution to the decision. Trying to jump back to where we were - or where you imagine we were - will certainly damage the future. The events of the past week have permanently cut us off from wherever you thought we might be going. It's time to decide how to proceed, and decide if we can."

It happened his eyes returned to Cathy as he ended. She gave him a slow nod of approval.

Marion seemed to be holding back. At last she came up to them, a smile on her face. She kissed Rob. "Jenny?"

Helena nodded. "It was Jenny."

"I knew I could count on her. Welcome back Rob. Helena, welcome back to your life; I'm so happy to see you out of your room."

Talk in the evening was over subjects of no importance. Rob and the ladies were unable to bring themselves to a serious discussion. It would have to wait until emotions were less. Helena brought out her diary and asked when they could schedule the group discussion Rob wanted. They settled on Thursday afternoon; all four ladies said they could be at Helena's to participate. Rob see little need for Kim to attend, but it would be rude to exclude her after she knew all the others would be there.

Marion managed to pull Rob aside. "I never doubted Jenny could persuade you to come back, no matter how angry you were. You still required time, but I was beginning to fear for Helena. Your reaction this time was different. I must admit, if I hadn't used Jenny, we all would have lost you."

"Whether I am lost is not yet decided, Marion."

Despite his clear statements, she seemed surprised. "You're not back for good?"

He stopped himself from a harsh reply. "I'm here to see whether any good can come from the bad I've experienced."

"Helena knows this?"

"Yes, I spoke with Helena for nearly an hour before we came downstairs."

"Oh, Rob, you should have come straight to me first."

He kept his expression neutral. "This is about Helena and I."

"I'll leave you and Helena alone tonight. You two must be together. Tomorrow I'll have you for the night. Then we'll have another session, later this week."

"No session. I will be sleeping alone this week."

Marion's disbelief told Rob she simply didn't understand what was going on.

Helena joined them. "I didn't thank you for bringing Rob back. It was your doing, Marion, so thank you very much." The two women hugged.

Rob stepped away, finding Cathy two steps away. "How have you been through this?"

She seemed surprised he would ask after her. "I've been okay. I'm on the periphery, I've always taken the attitude you and Helena must settle in before I make my own decision."

"Kim looks okay."

"Kim doesn't make commitments and doesn't expect them. She isn't worried about moving on if that's what happens."

"How has Marion been?"

"She's taken it well. She was absolutely convinced you would come back, wouldn't consider talking about what might happen if you did not."

"Tonight I'm watching her dropping right back into the old track. She doesn't understand how much everything just changed."

"Rob, what's going to happen?"

"I don't know. We shall discover it over the next few days. If we don't discover it, then nothing will happen."

"Discover? By doing scenes, trying different things?"

"No. This is not about doing scenes. I'm not even going to sleep with any of you. No, I have something quite radical in mind: we're going to talk."

"Rob, Marion told us the entire story right after you left. I want to say you handled yourself quite well. You have your anger well under control." She grinned. "And a naked man holding a whip, stepping out of the shadows, well, I'm enjoying a nice mental image."

"The version Marion told Jenny left out some important details. And I wasn't at all angry. I was terribly sad."

Her sympathetic eyes rested on him for a few seconds. She gave him a nod, the changed the subject. "I read your new limits document. I have no problem abiding by the document as written, limits and consequences. Even those little requirements to show I've tried it myself, which I have. I can sign it just as you've written it. But Helena and Marion, have they not pushed back?"

"I don't think they've read it. They don't take it seriously yet."

"Will they sign?"

"I expect them to."

"Do they care what it says?"

Rob gave her a tight smile. "Once they've signed it, they have no choice but to care. There is a consequence, then a consequence for failing to bear a consequence, isn't there?"

When it was time to go to bed, both Helena and Marion attempted to draw Rob to their beds. Changing his clothes in his room, the adjoining door opened to reveal Helena wanting to join him. He sent her away.

Rob had his own secret at Helena's house. He'd had the builder clean, paint and fit with heating one of the old servants' rooms still in the attic. He kept the narrow bed and small writing desk already in the room. The door had a keyed lock. There was no evidence Helena or Marion knew of even the stair up to the attic, itself behind a locked door. He gave a sigh of relief as he went to bed alone in the attic Tuesday evening.

Chapter 21

Wednesday, after breakfast, Rob reappeared in the mid-morning wearing a suit and tie. Helena gave him a puzzled look. "What are you doing?"

"I have an appointment for lunch in the city. I'll be back mid-afternoon."

"Why? With whom?"

"Helena, you know I have a consulting business. I must meet someone today. It's a business appointment."

He returned later than he'd intended. He joined three ladies with dinner already underway. Kim's work schedule had her busy that evening. After they ate, Helena said, "Rob, we've an idea. We would like you to try something with us."

Rob glanced at Cathy, who gave him a tiny tilt of her head. At least she didn't think it a bad idea. "What would you like me to try?"

She hesitated for an instant. "Rob, we're wondering if our bumbling about has given you the wrong idea of what a dominant-submissive relationship can be like. There is a domina Marion knows, we could arrange for you to do a session with her. Here. She's available Saturday morning."

Rob leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. "This does not sound like a good idea."

"Rob, we know we've bungled just about everything. You're not a submissive and by now you must be wondering where's the fun in all this. We want to help you reset your expectations, by giving you a great experience in the hands of a great mistress."

"I came here to talk, not to jump back into games. I won't even think about this offer until after we've talked tomorrow. Helena, tomorrow morning, all morning, you and I must talk alone as we've agreed as the first step toward finding if there can be a resolution."

He rose and dropped his napkin, saying goodnight to all at once. He slept in the attic again, two locked doors between him and anyone else.

Thursday morning, as soon as he and Helena finished breakfast, he took her hand and led her to her library. He closed the doors behind them. They faced each other, sitting on two upholstered chairs beside the fireplace.

Rob started by asking how she felt. "Relieved," was all she could say. He took her back, day by day, making her remember how she'd felt each of those days since he'd left the dungeon. Taking her back to relive the despair over the weekend, positioned her to really understand how he'd felt Friday night. "Helena, that feeling of painful separation, of a bond broken and not healing you felt on Saturday. I felt it, too. Now consider how I felt that same pain, bound to your frame on the bed, drowning in piss.

"You walked away from me while I was in distress. Distress you created."

Tears in her eyes, she fell to sit at his feet, face down on his knees as she cried. He let her go for a few minutes. Expecting tears, he had an extra handkerchief to give her.

He spoke to her, gently. "Helena, I have more to say, probably more painful, but the worst part is nearly past."

She nodded. "I understand you must say things to me, darling. And this time, I know I must hear them."

"Helena, when I run off, it isn't just an emotional response. When I move away from you it's always because I feel I've been pushed away. I've said this to you before. Every time I return after one of these events, the standard greeting in this house is based on the idea I've wronged you, the only remedy required is my apology."

He left a long silence. She lifted her head. "I've been such a fool. I have been so self-centered. I made mistake after mistake then complained when you didn't like them. I can see it now. I must make fewer mistakes, I simply must. The more important point is, I must also face my mistakes and make them right, there, in the very instant. That's what you mean when you call me cruel, isn't it? I do something wrong then I don't make it right.

"Rob, I must confess something to you. Friday night, when you most needed me, I didn't comfort you, I fled. We made a mistake, a breach of safety, with the golden shower which could - should have been corrected. We didn't even release you afterward, we were stupid and arrogant. We walked away laughing, we carelessly overlooked the situation we'd put you in. I had opportunities to stop and correct, but I didn't realize. I saw how unsafe we'd been only when you vomited. I realized you had said your word, cruel, only when I saw you in the shower, crying. I realized you said black before that, I realized you'd been gasping for air. In a flash I could see all the things I saw but didn't act on, all the things I'd done wrong, all the things I had to make right. What I should have done at that moment was also clear. I didn't do a thing, did I? No, I was a coward, I fled to cry out of self pity.

"Rob, I've learned so much from you. I'll be a better mistress because you've been such a good victim. I will be a better wife because you'll be such a good husband. I'm so happy you're not a submissive, I'd never have gotten such honest, such complete feedback from a submissive. I shall honor and respect you as my kinky boyfriend, I'll care for you as my beloved husband. And I never again can I just assume I treat you as mistress does a slave."

He leaned down to put his arms around her. He helped her back to her feet and put her back in her chair. He gave her a smile. "Okay, the worst is over save one sentence. Helena, when I leave it's also to protect you. I step away so I don't lash out and hurt you."

Rob gave Helena time to think about his words before continuing. "We have more to talk about. We must explore what we still don't know about each other, we must learn from our history. Helena, we must decide whether we have a future. Can we go forward together from here?"

They spent another hour talking, perhaps the most honest and open conversation they'd ever had. They talked about why she liked to bind people, why she liked to paddle. There was a long discussion of why she liked surprises while he didn't. They talked about why he found a mistress outfit so arousing, they even discussed why he liked to crossdress and why she liked him in feminine clothing. When Rob gave Helena comments about the way she treated him, she listened, nodding, learning from him.

They spoke briefly about the issues Rob would discuss with all of the women in the afternoon. Rob wanted to give her the opportunity to think in advance, better preparing her for the group discussion to follow.

When they finished talking, it was because they both knew they'd said what they had to say and fully heard what the other had to say. Helen summed it up. "Rob, you've laid bare my faults, and I shall work at correcting them. I'd like to tell you what you should do to improve, but, well, your behavior after we tried to kill you was a demonstration of self control. I can't complain about your anger management." She looked down. "I can only complain you don't instantly forgive me when I've wronged you yet again."

They walked to the kitchen, each with an arm around the others waist.

"Is everything settled?" Marion asked.

To Rob's surprise, Helena answered as he would have. "We have much work left to do, but Rob and I had a productive conversation this morning. We listened to each other, even when it was hard to hear. We have yet to explore how - if, even, this might work should we stay together, especially with more people involved."