Our New Friend Paula

I shared my student accommodation with Sally. A bedroom each, a kitchen and a sitting area. It wasn't the best of places to live, but we had a lot better than most students. Sally was fun to live with. Not too serious, not too silly. She was athletic but did drink a bit too much.

We did heaps together. Like Sheldon Cooper, Thursday night was laundry night. That would mean we had the maximum selection of clothes if we went out on a Friday or Saturday. Laundry night was also wine night.

We had a little routine going. Walk downstairs to the basement to put on the laundry, go back upstairs to open a bottle of wine, drink some wine, and then collect our laundry. We put the laundry on and went back upstairs to open the wine. We were talking shit like we normally did when Sally said that I must have a lot of her panties mixed it with my laundry. Me? It was SHE that had MY panties. She said it was definitely me taking her underwear. It had been going on for a month.

Could? No. That would be paranoid. Could someone be stealing panties from both of us? We both had the same plan at the same time. We went down to the laundry room half-way through the wash cycle. Not talking. Walking quietly. With the help of the wine we had drunk, we felt like we were about to discover the crime of the century. We both had our phones ready to take the incriminating photos.

It was YOU!

The nerdy guy from the floor below us. No one knew your name and you didn't have a social life. You actually had a pair of panties in your hand and were sniffing them. If that wasn't bad enough, you turned around in fright and...well... let's just say that we could see through your jeans that you were hard. Word of advice. Don't wear light blue jeans if you want to hide erections.

We had the photos. You pleaded with us. You would buy us more. As if we wanted that. You had been caught before, so another complaint and you would be expelled.

We told you to just fuck off and you left. You left the panties behind, and we threw them in the bin. We weren't going to wear them after they had been pushed against your nose. Sally and me talked. Whether we should make a complaint. We were so fucking angry. Laundry finished and more wine later, we both got dressed as if going out, and went down to your apartment. Sally was very drunk. Although against the rules, we walked through the corridors with a new bottle of wine and two glasses. Sally was carrying a large plastic bag of...whatever it was. We knocked on the door. The door opened.

We asked what your name was. You said Paul but Sally deliberately mispronounced it. She called you Paula. She told you what the deal was. You have 15 minutes to get into the bathroom and shave your body. Underarms, chest, legs, thighs, pubes. The whole thing. And you were told to do it with the door open. You protested till Sally took out her phone and pretended to ring Security. You looked down at the floor like the castrated loser you were. You said OK and started.

We sat on your sofa, checking the bathroom at intervals. You started with your lower legs, then your pubes, then your chest and underarms. There was hair everywhere on the floor. What a fucking loser.

You took ages about it. And all the time you were hard. Fucking pervert.

Sally got out the goodies from her plastic bag. She walked to the entrance to the bathroom where you were standing. What she did next terrified me. She kicked you in the balls. Really hard. I asked her what she was doing, and she just took more photos of you. On your knees, grabbing your crotch. But your erection disappeared, and that was the idea.

You were instructed to use duct tape to tape your bits away. Sally pulled out the high-cut panties, the 38B padded bra (where did she get that?), a summer dress, and a wig, and boots. It was like this magical white plastic bag which was bottomless. I had another gulp of wine.

If you wanted to sniff panties and probably wear them, you should at least me brave enough to go all the way. We got you dressed. Put the wig on. You were quite passable. Being overweight gave you an indistinct body shape. Your round little face could easily be made more feminine with a bit of make-up. You were obviously not use to wearing heals.

More photos were taken. Orders were given to walk out with us, out into the street where people didn't give you a second look. Then...one guy looked at you. Not because he thought you were a guy, but because after a few drinks he would probably fuck you. Treat you like the perverted thing you were.

Sally and me could hardly stop ourselves from laughing. Little did we know, but your disgusting thing was trying to get hard, pressing against the duct tape, moving slightly with each step. We would only learn later that pre-cum ran down your thigh.

Sally told me that we were going to have a lot of fun with our new friend, Paula - I could only agree.