Notice Me

The world weighed heavy. The pithering of the rain which would normally be a comfort to many was unwanted. I mused at my uncomfortableness. This was in a way brought upon myself. I worked long hours. And I sometimes ignored aspects that needed actual attention. Until it just took over and I could no longer resist.

*******************

Work had me at wits end. In this day and age, the American dream swallowed you whole. Now in saying that don't get me wrong, we live a privileged life. And I lived for the job because I truly enjoyed it. But the last two years had given me some burnout. Basically working to live as the saying goes, instead of living to work.

I was a bit of a recluse and a strong introvert in a social environment. But in the work environment I was confident but supportive of those around me. So outside the job, I went home. I went home to Netflix and Hulu. It would be comical I think if I had named my two dogs that. I sometimes joke to myself and them about that. River and Whiskey never seemed to share my amusement in this...but they were just dogs after all.

I had a pretty normal routine. Boring is what it would be considered. And it didn't help the burnout I was struggling with.

A few times I tried to go out to a local club as I used to, but it was past my prime and I found no solace in it. In this day and age people socialized on social media apps that I just never picked up the habit of. I had tried but it never stuck. I was just beyond the infancy of the birth of this age. So how did you meet people? Friends or lovers if you chose this route. I had not quite figured that out.

I was nothing to view. I was average and I was fine with it. Now, don't think it is one of those "she was average" *wink wink*. I was born in the eighties. I had not had a sheltered life.

I had lumps in parts of my body I wish I didn't. My teeth which I always detested were not aligned and by the time I could do something about it, I realized it was a part of who I was and we were stuck with it. I had dirty blonde hair with the beginning of some single strands of silver hairs that when left to grow would lose its natural waves due to the weight of it. But I was strong. My job was laborious so while people would view afar differently, I could easily lift 150 pounds of product regularly, throughout the day. My thighs held me steady if a bit fluffy. So I had no complaints.

I made a decent wage. It allowed me to pay my bills and afforded me to splurge every once in a while on something that caught my fancy. My most recent big spend was something that was a more of the carnal nature. I had recently broken another vibrator.

I regularly used one due to a healthy appetite. I had not had a partner in a few years due to problems maintaining a relationship. I had only had a few boyfriends over my lifetime and they had for the most part all ended amenable.

My personal past problems created rifts within my ability to forge a good relationship. I had had a troubled childhood and due to that I had not sought a relationship in the normal viewed time frame. I was in fact very resistant up until my mid twenties to any interaction that involved intimacy of any kind from physical to mental.

So I was very independent from a young age. It also meant that I became very familiar with being the one to allow myself to come into orgasm.

I had found in my teenage years a "vibrator". It was a cheap Walmart "self massager". You know the one from years ago that came with three points. I don't recall how I knew this would bring pleasure but I went through several of those within a few months. Literally killing those cheap little motors for my pleasure.

So for the longest time I masturbated by myself for years. Oftentimes, nightly or I found I could not sleep.

While I may have not had a boyfriend in my youth I still had crushes. But I would never make a move on them and if a person showed interest I would feign not to notice, therefore making a conundrum for myself. Because I was desperately yearning for it. Someone to notice me.

My first, what could be called boyfriend was sweet, but young is what I would say now. We messed around a bit but when he went to finally, literally get my pants off, I internally freaked. I don't remember how I wormed my way out of that predicament but it quickly made me ignore every future call he tried to make. He quit trying after four days.

The second guy; we would never leave the kissing stage. My mind destroyed it's want and desire for more. I just had a mental block I could not break. The damage incurred from childhood ruined me. I struggled for a long time, avoiding ways to go to private places with him. I eventually felt so bad for trying so hard to avoid any intimate contact that I again just stopped contacting or receiving his calls.

As a child, my parents led a very unhappy life. Constantly fighting but unwilling to divorce as so many of the older generations do. Their unhappiness ended up displaying in their behaviors and actions towards their children as can happen. To not go into too much detail, there were beatings...to which I could handle. I preferred the physical pain over the mental. Being told over and over how worthless you were... How as a child you were a terrible person and would amount to nothing...

As an adult now I can see the situation and understand it, but as a child, you can not. And it can bear weight in your childhood through adulthood. To watch a father treat a mother and you. And the mother then taking out her frustrations in the same manner to the child as a way to cope I suppose. But it did it's damage.

The next try was to purely punish myself originally. I was now in my early twenties and I still had not had a boyfriend nor had I lost my virginity. It was a constant reminder that I was unwanted. So I made the decision that I would just find someone. Someone to just casually lose it too so I could be done and over with it. Move on. I felt like my virginity was a weight that proved what I had been told my whole life.

I found him on the internet. On Craigslist. There used to be a section for personal ads. Sleazy place to go and I knew it. He was a lawyer and older than myself by several years. An older man in a well to do job. Some girl's dreams! Even I had masturbated to such fantasies regularly and here he was able to fulfill that. I didn't know what to expect. I felt extremely nervous. But he genuinely responded well when pictures were sent for approval.

I just needed to get the courage up to proceed to do anything. I felt in order to do that I had to just be honest about the situation.

I confessed quickly to being a virgin to him after a few days of emailing back and forth. He, I am sure, thought he was in luck. I thought I had grown balls. And in a sense I had. But he invited me over to his place and I accepted.

After going over to his apartment in a gated community I felt like maybe he didn't have any STD's to pass around. As I drove up to a nice complex it reassured me that maybe he wasn't lying about who he was. I could just turn around. It was a bit foolish to take such measures and there was risk. I was just getting worked up in my mind but I rechecked myself in my rearview mirror and sucked it up.

He turned out to be nice in the sense that he was seeking to kindly get laid. But it worked. He flirted a bit and we quickly went to first base within the first meeting.

On one hand some of my irrational fear was gone. This was a fling. I was committing myself to the idea. I would have no obligations to him and I realized I felt excited about that.

He didn't try to force me to do anything more than I was comfortable with at the time. Which was gentle of him. It was the first time I had been "cuddled'' and I found I really enjoyed it. I think he picked up on that quickly and used it to his advantage.

I gave him my first blow job the third night I stayed over. It was exciting and I felt brazen. I was proving myself wrong. Prior to this I had not really had any experience with the handling or vision of male genitalia. But I was able to easily and quickly get him to orgasm. He would question the truth of my previous statements about being inexperienced to which I felt like I had been handed a trophy and conquered.

It would not be till later that I would realize he was below average in that department. Which wasn't a bad thing! Because it made giving him head quite a breeze obviously. It had allowed me to gain a confidence that I might not have gained otherwise.

This would last for a few weeks and I began to get comfortable with it. He was using me as I was using him. His use for me was he loved blow jobs as most men do. More than anything else. So he never pushed me further to go all the way. I was using him to strengthen my will.

One night it got heated. I was very turned on. Having had one of those days where I was extra horny and I had not masturbated that day. So he made the decision to move forward in taking my virginity.

It went badly. And not because I shoved him away as usual. Since I had not had much experience with cocks with but a few pressed hardon rubbings and skinny dipping adventures I was expecting...more?

He was hard. He was there. And it went nowhere. He came so fast I don't even know if he had time to thrust. And that was it. I don't know if it was because the thought was he was taking my virginity that made him release so fast but mere moments passed. All our encounters for the most part were me pleasing him. I had read too many romance novels and had had one to many fantasies. I was deflated by the experience and when he reached out the next day for me to come over. I just never responded,...again.

The feeling something was wrong with me returned. And I must have worn a sign that glowed neon for the male eyes because no men would make a pass at me. And I know in reality this was due to my own fault. But I sullied in it.

************

I am almost in the same state as I was then. During that time I found my way into my kinks. Though at that time I only fantasized about them. I pursued the internet and books living my sexual life behind closed eyes and bedroom sheets with a vibrator in hand. I would often masturbate to relieve an itch that just wouldn't go away.

I did end up meeting a nice guy. He worked briefly with me as a co-worker. We got along nicely and he decided to ask me out. It took me by surprise. I thought my neon sign was still lit bright. I accepted. He treated me well and it just worked. After several dates and weeks to which we made out, cuddled and fondled I finally told him I was inexperienced. To my surprise he looked at me and said "Same."

It sealed the deal. The knowledge of him being a virgin in this over sexualized world took away whatever barrier I had been holding up. I would lose my virginity to him. Now I know you are thinking wait a second....what about the lawyer?!

Well as it would turn out, he apparently never took it. As I said he came so fast and I never even really felt him. So while his nethers touched mine, that is about all it did. I bled profusely the first time which surprised us both.

We had sex almost everyday for a month. It felt amazing! I wanted it. Regularly. But, I never orgasmed. I didn't care. He was very vanilla. Mostly me on top. In the beginning there was a good bit of foreplay. But as our relationship progressed It slowly stopped as I suspect it does in so many relationships.

I still never turned him down for an opportunity to have him inside me though. Eventually my desire sated his. I would be the one to initiate every time. And I never orgasmed with him. Sometimes he would try to get me there but the work of it took out the enjoyment I suppose. Then he began to just want blowjobs more often sex which is where I was able to get any pleasure. I mean I liked giving blowjob. It was still a major turn on for me and would hike up my arousal but for more. But in a relationship you expect to get something in return.

I began to resent it. He started to get upset when I would forgo the blow job to choose instead to ride him. I realized I started to cut off his pleasure because I wasn't receiving my own. So I tried to spice it up. The kinks I had developed those years prior I tried to introduce. It wasn't for him. Ultimately we separated on kind terms just like we began. Admitting to ourselves that we just were not meant to be.

*****************

Vibrators. I have a lot of them. Different textures, colors and types. Girls best friend under the covers...and out. I even have a vibrator that lives in my car for emergencies. Sometimes my need just hits me and I have to rub one out or I will burst. So "Buzz" comes with me. Sometimes when I am feeling a little spicy and turned on but have to be at work, on the drive in, weaving between traffic "Buzz" will be riding between my legs.

Just knowing that someone might glance over and realize, there I am. Masturbating. Taboo. In reality I try to hide as best as I can, but yes I do regularly masturbate as I drive to work. Sometimes just a few red lights is all I need and I am there. Other times I can't finish and give me what I can only presume what "blue balls" feels like. The worst feeling. Be at work all day as the minutes tick by thinking about sex. Wanting sex. Wanting a dick between my thighs. Can drive you crazy.

************

It has been raining for days. A steady even flow so some flooding has started to occur. I can hear the wind blowing drenched swaying branches. I can no longer ignore the feeling in my loins. That tight feeling that makes you do kegels because internally you are begging for something in your depths to grasp. I needed relief. I got my favorite vibrator out that was guaranteed to make me come within 20 minutes...hopefully. But I was wound so tight, my brain might not be able to unravel.

The familiar sound, the small click of the button and the machine came to life with a steady hum. I didn't even get into the teasing as I liked. I was so ready I just directly applied it to my clit. A groan left my mouth immediately. Pleasure radiated through my vagina quickly and a small hip thrust came in response. The recent experience I had just received came to the forefront of my mind. And his image came to near clarity.

But I felt my brain cells bouncing around and realized I was not going to achieve what I had hoped to in a more timely fashion. The next groan escaped in frustration. I needed him. The memory of our first meeting pulls to the forefront of my wandering mind..

**********

It had been a long day at work dealing with frustrating people. I was upset. I had decided to take a break and walk away. My body was tense and my day was going to continue very poorly if I didn't take action. I decided that I was going to take my car and hide it away in the lot at work and take "Buzz" out. I found a space under some trees in the shade and peaked around. The nearest car was over 10 spaces away. There was no way to see what I might be up to.

I took out the small vibrator from the compartment in the dash. This one was a truly small little purple piece of silicone. Due to its diminutive statute, it's battery power was not what I wished it would be. So whenever in use I had to really concentrate and get into a strong fantasy.

My first fantasies in youth was the vampire. I know," real unique". But this was before the whole "glitter vampire" rebirth. This was the dark and dirty Dracula version with myself the helpless maiden succumbing. The bite matching penetration to which would make me climax. That should make some realization that I always had a kink even in my awakening.

But long gone were the days of vampires. Into the dreams of strong men with rope or the switch of rope in hand and male submission. This particular fantasy I chose had a male taking me from behind, hand at throat up against a wall. I closed my eyes to it and slipped into it feeling the tension drain from my body.

I pressed the purple rod harder to my clit through my slacks trying to get the most sensation, furious to reach my destination. It didn't take too long. Maybe ten minutes had passed when a small, brief climax took me. Just enough to take the edge off. My body slumped. A sigh escaped when I peaked my eyes open to see him staring at me. The adjacent parking lot was just a bit higher than the one I was in. It gave vantage to the inside of my car.

His stare was direct and unflinching. And I knew. I knew he had just seen me climax. I don't know how long he had been standing there but it was enough. I felt a deep blush slip into my face. Mixing with the heat of my recent orgasm, the embarrassment flooded me. The taboo of doing it like I had suddenly had no sexual appeal.

His face appeared expressionless to me. I was frozen. I wanted to hide the purple offender. But I also wanted to speed away but I couldn't. I had to go back to work. This was my parking lot. His face was handsome. He had fair skin that made the dark brown beard adorning his face appear almost black in the sun. I couldn't tell what color his eyes were but they continued to stay on mine. He didn't seem to be much taller than me but his body seemed firm as his clothes lightly clung to him. I realized he was wearing a safety vest which meant he did some type of labor work in the public.

By this point I could feel the burn in my ears and his gaze continued to be unfazed. It seemed time was passing at a pace that I was losing. I broke contact looking down to grab the keys sitting the ignition and turned my key, and pressed the pedal down to throw my car into reverse. I was so disturbed when I went to throw it into first it went into neutral and a loud rev of the engine blared through. Insult to injury. Now I can't drive. I glanced at him as I quickly corrected the shaft to instead throw it into second and saw what was maybe a look of surprise.

I took the minute drive to park back in my spot to my building. I completely forgot about the silicone between my legs as I hopped out and practically ran inside. I pushed the embarrassment aside and shoved myself into work feeling only slightly better then I had.

At the end of the day I was hot and the tension had rebuilt while the scenario kept replaying in my head the whole time. A small part, deep in the recess of the dark inside, had begun to build up in my mind. A feeling of arousal at being caught in the taboo act. A silent whisper, just barely scratching somewhere.

As I went outside to the car, the sun dying down, I noticed something flutter with the brief wind under my windshield wiper. As I got closer I could see that it was a torn receipt paper, slightly crinkled from being in a pocket. I grasped it, pulling it while the tug of the rubber created a small rip in the thin paper. I used my other hand to lift the wiper and the paper was freed. I turned it over seeing bleeding ink, stained over the printed numbers upon it. On the blank side was written clearly in permanent marker, "You forgot something."

I looked around. I knew it was him. The embarrassment returned fully. I did not see anyone in the parking lot that could be the man. I clicked the fob on my key and as I opened my door. There glowing a majestic purple hue sat alone "Buzz" in the middle of my beige car seats.