The world weighed heavy. The pithering of the rain which would normally be a comfort to many was unwanted. I mused at my uncomfortableness. This was in a way brought upon myself. I worked long hours. And I sometimes ignored aspects that needed actual attention. Until it just took over and I could no longer resist.
*******************
Work had me at wits end. In this day and age, the American dream swallowed you whole. Now in saying that don't get me wrong, we live a privileged life. And I lived for the job because I truly enjoyed it. But the last two years had given me some burnout. Basically working to live as the saying goes, instead of living to work.
I was a bit of a recluse and a strong introvert in a social environment. But in the work environment I was confident but supportive of those around me. So outside the job, I went home. I went home to Netflix and Hulu. It would be comical I think if I had named my two dogs that. I sometimes joke to myself and them about that. River and Whiskey never seemed to share my amusement in this...but they were just dogs after all.
I had a pretty normal routine. Boring is what it would be considered. And it didn't help the burnout I was struggling with.
A few times I tried to go out to a local club as I used to, but it was past my prime and I found no solace in it. In this day and age people socialized on social media apps that I just never picked up the habit of. I had tried but it never stuck. I was just beyond the infancy of the birth of this age. So how did you meet people? Friends or lovers if you chose this route. I had not quite figured that out.
I was nothing to view. I was average and I was fine with it. Now, don't think it is one of those "she was average" *wink wink*. I was born in the eighties. I had not had a sheltered life.
I had lumps in parts of my body I wish I didn't. My teeth which I always detested were not aligned and by the time I could do something about it, I realized it was a part of who I was and we were stuck with it. I had dirty blonde hair with the beginning of some single strands of silver hairs that when left to grow would lose its natural waves due to the weight of it. But I was strong. My job was laborious so while people would view afar differently, I could easily lift 150 pounds of product regularly, throughout the day. My thighs held me steady if a bit fluffy. So I had no complaints.
I made a decent wage. It allowed me to pay my bills and afforded me to splurge every once in a while on something that caught my fancy. My most recent big spend was something that was a more of the carnal nature. I had recently broken another vibrator.
I regularly used one due to a healthy appetite. I had not had a partner in a few years due to problems maintaining a relationship. I had only had a few boyfriends over my lifetime and they had for the most part all ended amenable.
My personal past problems created rifts within my ability to forge a good relationship. I had had a troubled childhood and due to that I had not sought a relationship in the normal viewed time frame. I was in fact very resistant up until my mid twenties to any interaction that involved intimacy of any kind from physical to mental.
So I was very independent from a young age. It also meant that I became very familiar with being the one to allow myself to come into orgasm.
I had found in my teenage years a "vibrator". It was a cheap Walmart "self massager". You know the one from years ago that came with three points. I don't recall how I knew this would bring pleasure but I went through several of those within a few months. Literally killing those cheap little motors for my pleasure.
So for the longest time I masturbated by myself for years. Oftentimes, nightly or I found I could not sleep.
While I may have not had a boyfriend in my youth I still had crushes. But I would never make a move on them and if a person showed interest I would feign not to notice, therefore making a conundrum for myself. Because I was desperately yearning for it. Someone to notice me.
My first, what could be called boyfriend was sweet, but young is what I would say now. We messed around a bit but when he went to finally, literally get my pants off, I internally freaked. I don't remember how I wormed my way out of that predicament but it quickly made me ignore every future call he tried to make. He quit trying after four days.
The second guy; we would never leave the kissing stage. My mind destroyed it's want and desire for more. I just had a mental block I could not break. The damage incurred from childhood ruined me. I struggled for a long time, avoiding ways to go to private places with him. I eventually felt so bad for trying so hard to avoid any intimate contact that I again just stopped contacting or receiving his calls.
As a child, my parents led a very unhappy life. Constantly fighting but unwilling to divorce as so many of the older generations do. Their unhappiness ended up displaying in their behaviors and actions towards their children as can happen. To not go into too much detail, there were beatings...to which I could handle. I preferred the physical pain over the mental. Being told over and over how worthless you were... How as a child you were a terrible person and would amount to nothing...
As an adult now I can see the situation and understand it, but as a child, you can not. And it can bear weight in your childhood through adulthood. To watch a father treat a mother and you. And the mother then taking out her frustrations in the same manner to the child as a way to cope I suppose. But it did it's damage.
The next try was to purely punish myself originally. I was now in my early twenties and I still had not had a boyfriend nor had I lost my virginity. It was a constant reminder that I was unwanted. So I made the decision that I would just find someone. Someone to just casually lose it too so I could be done and over with it. Move on. I felt like my virginity was a weight that proved what I had been told my whole life.
