I had waited two years for this. It was two very long years and although I wish I could tell you that the time flew by, it didn't. Every minute, every day, every damn second was painfully long. He made me wait and every part of me told me that I was crazy for doing it.
I had met him in the university library. It was a romance novel's ideal way for two lovers to meet. We joked about it for a while. I remember reading trashy novels that talk about 'love at first sight' and 'the electricity between us'. It was true. It happened. The wait to see him again was long but I knew the moment I saw him again our sexual desires would be sparked.
He had been wearing jeans and a white long sleeved shirt. His dark skin was a sharp contrast to his light clothing. His dark hair was short and his dark eyes were open and inviting. He had been sitting at a desk in a quiet corner of the library. Thick, heavy textbooks covered the desk and from what I gathered he was studying engineering. I really only glanced at him for a moment before finding the section in the library I needed.
It was ridiculous that I needed to go to the university library to get this book. I'm not sure why I had registered for the course and so when I was told to research an 'appropriate book' I searched online for something that no one else would pick.
Of course it was on the top shelf. I stretched up as far as I could and felt my top slide up my body. My calf muscles strained as even on my tiptoes I only reached the fourth shelf.
"Fuck," I hiss under my breath. I could ask him to help me but I was embarrassed to ask. He was obviously studying for finals and was trying to find a quiet place. As I stood in the book aisle my creative mind raced with all sorts of different ideas as to why he was studying here. Maybe he had two roommates who were party animals. Maybe he lived at home with seven siblings and needed to get away from the hectic household. I giggled to myself as I wondered if he had a sexy girlfriend at home who was distracting him with slutty lingerie. My giggles turned into a full out blush and that was when I heard him speak.
"Do you need some help?"
I turned and my blush darkened until I'm sure I was the same shade as my crimson finger nails. I glanced down at my hands for a moment, then back up at him.
"Yeah. That book," I said sheepishly.
My voice was quiet and shy. My inner voice was reminding me that I wasn't shy or quiet. I was assertive and strong and intelligent. I had just turned into someone different, just because of him.
"Interesting. Much more intriguing them my current reading."
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I was speechless. My mind was racing with all sorts of quirky and flirty things to say.
"Your welcome."
I blinked. He stepped back and I felt so embarrassed and so awkward. I was never like this before and suddenly I could barely put together a sentence.
He walked back down to his desk and sat down, his back to me. My fingers dug into the spine of the book. Glancing down at the title I whispered it to myself - "Fear and Trembling" by Soren Kierkegaard. How ironic. That wasn't the title; it was how I was feeling right now.
Getting up the courage I walked over. Some graphs and charts distracted him. My energy increased the moment I was close to him. Did he feel the same way? Was it just me?
"I'm Stephen. I need a break anyway."
Once again I was speechless. I couldn't even respond when he slammed his textbook closed and kissed me. His lips were the first to touch me and I instinctively reached out to slide my fingers through his hair. The book dropped to the ground with a thump. We didn't stop.
No words were needed. Our lips were the ones speaking and I could hear the dialogue now. 'I don't ever do this. /I know baby. You're a good girl. /We're making out in public. We just met. How do I know you're single? / Quiet.'
I pulled away as the practical side of my brain took over.
"Are you single?"
Stephen chuckled and leaned back in his chair. I stood up and realized that I was very close to simply sliding into his lap. One hand was on the edge of the table while the other was itching to touch him, anywhere.
"Yes I am princess."
Princess? I blushed. No one had ever called me princess but in this moment I was princess. I was his princess.
"No blushing." His fingers rubbed my left cheek and I turned to kiss his fingers. He pulled away and I stepped back, already feeling rejected. I couldn't believe how my emotions were being a yo-yo today. I was going to get vertigo with the sharp changes.
"I'm Sarah." My voice cracked and I needed to find a chair, fast. I stepped back and practically fell into the chair behind me.
"Of course that is your name. I already called you Princess."
I blushed again. I had no idea what he was talking about but I knew he'd explain later.
"Would you like to go for a coffee?"
I nodded. My mind was racing and I don't remember leaving the library. All I know is that three hours later my cell phone was telling me it was midnight and we were sitting close in the tiny Starbucks chairs, working our way through our third coffees. Our knees were touching and our hands were playfully wrestling.
I found out that in fact my guess as to why he was studying in the library was correct. His two roommates were done exams and weren't being quiet. I also found out that my name meant princess in Hebrew. I was a princess.
His thumb was firmly massaging my left wrist and it was affecting my whole body. Every muscle in my body was relaxed but tense at the same time. We hadn't kissed since the library but I felt more intimate with him then any of my other boyfriends.
He yawned. It made me yawn and I giggled like a schoolgirl. He glanced at his cell phone. His face fell.
"I have to go baby. I have an exam at two. Can I call you?"
I nodded. I wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to talk to him all night. I wanted so much more then he was offering. My mind was once again racing. I was never the one in the relationship that wanted more. I was always the one not giving enough.
"Of course Stephen."
We got up and walked to the parking lot. We had both taken our cars and he walked me to mine. Pressing me gently against my car he kissed me softly. He had more will power then I did because he pulled away and walked towards his car. It took every ounce of strength in my body to not run to him. I wanted to race to him and jump into his arms. I wanted him to hold me tight as his hands touched more then just my face and hands. I wanted him so badly it hurt. I had never gotten what I wanted so I resigned myself to getting into my car and driving home.
Lying in bed was a bad idea because I wasn't just tired. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. The red lights of my alarm clock reminded me that I had to go to work in three hours. I could not fall asleep.
When my alarm clock turned on and Hedley's song 'Invincible' was playing I figured I must have fallen asleep at some point. I didn't find the irony in the song until later. I was only thinking about him. My whole mind was filled with Stephen. His voice, his laughs, his smile. Every part of his face and how my fingers felt when I touched him. I couldn't concentrate until he called.
Twelve days. I counted every second until he called. It was the longest time in my life. I had given him my phone number. I didn't have his. It's pretty hard to find someone when all you know is their first name.
The phone call was devastating. I was sitting on my bed reading a trashy romance book. Every one of my friends had read it and they demanded I read it as well. I had agreed and instead of enjoying the book I was spending the whole time making mental notes about plot holes, historical inaccuracies, and overall repetitive phrases that any good editor would have axed. My cocky inner voice was saying that the author needed me as her editor.
"I failed the exam... I'm starting co-op tomorrow... I know I have feelings for you.... I understand.... Don't cry.... Please.... Two more years... Don't tell me you hate me.... you don't mean that princess."
The conversation was almost ten minutes long but I only remembered little snippets of words, phrases. When I hung up the phone it was plain as day. He had failed his exam because of me and couldn't afford to be distracted. He would call me when he finished school.
I was devastated. My whole world crashed around me. My mind was foggy with so many different feelings. I was angry for him denying me what I wanted. I was sad that I had affected his education. I was mad at myself for getting caught up in this need for lust. Mostly I was disappointed that once again I couldn't get what I wanted.
***
Two years is a long time to wait for someone. I spoke to him through email only. We knew that the moment we heard each other's voices it would be too much. I never went back to that library. He didn't either. The city was big enough that considering we lived only blocks apart from each other for almost ten years and never met we spent the next two years avoiding each other very effectively.
Then he called.