I felt good after my stranger left. I spent several minutes kneeling there, my head swimming. I felt like I could handle anything. I could last the full week without orgasm, even if Sir deliberately edged me every evening. I'd be good for him, as long as I was his.
But as the afternoon passed, a note of discord entered my thoughts. Would I be able to last, really? A few hours ago I hadn't thought so, what had changed since then? And if I couldn't, if I had to beg him to fuck me, would he be disappointed? He had said he wouldn't be, but could I believe him?
Yes, I told myself.
Would I still be his? Yes, I could trust him.
Would I be disappointed in myself? Yes, and that was okay. Well, it was a bit silly, but that was okay. I could tell him I was being silly and he wouldn't judge me for it, because I was his and I could trust him.
I went to sit on my couch with my thoughts looping like that, and before long I realized it was 8 p.m. and I hadn't had dinner. I thought I probably should eat, so I got up and stared at my kitchen cabinets for a while. The idea of making a sandwich didn't really appeal. I sat down again. Eventually I ended up in bed, still naked, and eventually I slept.
The morning was easier, because I had a routine. I got up with my alarm, and had coffee and cereal while I wondered if I was able to endure as much pain as he wanted to give me, or if he was holding back. My routine was interrupted because I hadn't set clothes out the night before, so I spent a few minutes looking at my wardrobe while I decided I could trust that he wasn't going to leave me over my pain tolerance. Luckily my "time to actually leave" alarm focused me briefly, and I grabbed some things mostly at random. If I didn't have a section of my wardrobe dedicated to work clothes, I might have shown up in yoga leggings.
I was about ten minutes late to work, which still left me the first person on my team to arrive. That was normal, this wasn't the type of company to closely track hours as long as work was getting done.
Which for my part, today, it mostly wasn't. I sat down and logged in, then looked at my screen for a while. When I heard someone come in I realized it had locked from inactivity. Throughout the day I would zone out, then something would catch my attention, I'd be able to focus for a few minutes, and then I'd zone out again.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized this was my second work day in a row of getting almost nothing done. Probably I wouldn't fall behind enough for anyone to notice, not today. But tomorrow I'd need to snap out of this or my manager might gently pull me aside to ask if I was okay, and boy would that be an awkward conversation.
But imagining the conversation made me realize that I was quite clearly not okay. What was wrong? The words "sub drop" came to mind, I'd heard them somewhere online and - if I'd picked up the meaning correctly from context - they seemed appropriate.
The cure for sub drop was probably aftercare, so I decided I'd get some of that. Just making the decision helped a bit, and in the last two hours of the day I got maybe an hour's worth of work done.
When I got home I messaged my stranger "I need you" and curled up on my bed. I didn't want to break out into sobs just yet, so I kept my eyes screwed shut and my breathing deliberately controlled. I heard my phone buzz with a text message, and then a phone call, but I ignored it both times. They weren't part of my plan.
A few minutes later I heard the front door open. At that point I realized he probably didn't know what was going on, and he might start creeping around softly to keep me in suspense. I didn't want that, but I also didn't want to try raising my voice enough to call down to him.
I have a small bedside table where I keep various sundries, my alarm clock, and the ever-growing stack of books I'm planning to read. My solution was to blindly grope forwards and push the table over. There was a drawn out crashing noise as different objects hit the floor - not very loud because of the carpet, but apparently loud enough. I heard him call out "are you okay?" and take the stairs two at a time. Then he asked "what happened?" from the bedroom door.
Normally I'm very hesitant when making requests. "Would you mind," and "don't worry if it's a hassle", that sort of thing. I've learned that people tend to prefer that over just being ordered around. But when I get overwhelmed that tends to slip. I just told him, "hold me."
He walked around my bed, slowly at first, probably because he had to pick his way over the mess I'd just made. Then he climbed in and started to spoon me from behind.
My plan for aftercare had been that I could cry while he held me. He was holding me now, and it felt hesitant but still comforting. By way of explanation I said the words "sub drop", and then I let myself drop my control. I felt his hold on me tighten as the first sobs started to escape.
Some time later I mostly stopped crying. He was still with me. He hadn't spoken since he entered the room - or if he had, I hadn't been listening - but when I'd been quiet for a minute or so he said, "I'm sorry. I guess I fucked up."
He didn't elaborate. After a few moments I told him, "say more."
He told me, as explanation-not-excuse, that he'd had a previous relationship with a sub who had similar interests as me. She'd been experienced when they'd met, and had been the one to draw him out. It had been a great education for him - but she'd needed very little in the way of aftercare. In fact, she often preferred not to receive it.
She had told him she was unusual in that regard. And he normally remembered it. But something about my body language yesterday had triggered a habit that shouldn't have been triggered, and - it's not that he'd forgotten that I wasn't her, he'd known that he didn't know my limits, but -
He fumbled over his words for a bit, trying to explain, but I thought I got it. In the moment he'd mixed things he knew about me with things he knew about her and invented this whole new person in his head, and that person was just different enough from me for things to go wrong. But I didn't think I could explain that any better than he could, so I just said, "makes sense." Then, "helps to know." We were quiet for a bit longer as feelings passed over me and through me.
We spent the next few hours with him cuddling me. Mostly in silence, but we spoke a bit about what had happened so far and what we thought might happen soon. I didn't know how I'd be feeling going forwards, and he accepted that.
I also didn't know if I wanted to know who he was yet. I decided I didn't want to commit myself to anything in this state. So while he generously picked up the books I'd knocked on the floor, I hid myself under the duvet. My blindfold was probably somewhere under the pile, and it was easier than keeping my eyes shut.
But before he left, I shut them again and pulled the duvet away and we kissed deeply.
---
The next day I was feeling pretty normal. Maybe a little drained, but I managed to start getting work done again. Wednesday was similar. Then Thursday, my libido came back.
I hadn't expected it to be so abrupt. I was daydreaming in a meeting that could have been an email, and suddenly I was remembering our second encounter. How he'd gagged me with my own panties, and beaten my ass and cunt and clamped tits. I idly rubbed my thighs together under the table.