I thought about her last night. Again. Lately itās been happening more and more.
Iād hooked up with this chick from out of town who I just met online. Itās not what I was trying to do, it wasnāt my intent, but this woman looked just like her. Same long dark hair, same big brown eyes, almost the same septum piercing even. Yeah the smile was a little different, and the laugh a bit off, and the way she looked at me wasnāt the same. She was older. But still.
I wasnāt thinking about those things while I was fucking her ā I was thinking about Mia. I was thinking about finally making her mine; I was thinking about pounding her brains out and making her cum til sheās stupid. I was thinking about turning her into my own little whore.
Which is a problem, because Miaās half my age. And my former student.
I felt guilty afterwards. Troubled. Those arenāt the kind of thoughts youāre supposed to have for a girl you mentored, for a young lady you built up time and again when no one else would. My hookup had no idea; she loved it, she just thought I was a rough guy, kinky and intense.
She doesnāt know the fucking half of it.
But now here I am tonight, thinking about her again. Mia.
I shouldāve blocked her on social media; I shouldāve never let her add me to begin with. Her photos have gotten more risquĆ©, her outfits more revealing. Sheās out drunk in the streets almost every night now, kissing a different guy in each video. Last I heard she flunked out of college after only half a semester ā and not the art school upstate I worked my ass off to help her get into. No, the local community college she went to instead.
Sheās floundering, failing. Crying out for attention. Sheās self destructing and thereās nothing I can do but sit here and watch. Fuck.
I set my phone aside, I sip my whiskey and stare into the low-smoldering fireplace.
*Thereās nothing I can do. Sheās someone elseās problem.*
I keep telling myself that, at least. It canāt be meā¦it has to be anyone other than me. It canāt be me, because I canāt trust myself around her anymore.
I know it. I know it because the last time I saw her it took damn near everything I had to stop myself. To keep from giving her what she wanted. And god damnā¦it was the hardest thing Iāve ever had to do.
I donāt think I could do it again.
*You broke her heart. You broke her heart and you were all she had, and now sheās running wild.*
I scowl, taking another long sip, hoping to chase away that accusing voice with the burn of drink.
I glance back at my phone ā sheās posted a new story. Itās a video of herself wandering through dimly-lit Lexington Park, the same park someone got mugged in last week, the same park someone else was stabbed at not too long before. Sheās drunk and alone. āCrackd my phon e lolll,ā the caption reads, a smattering of random emojis to go along with it.
*God fucking dammit Mia. Sheās someone elseās problem. Sheās someone elseās goddamn problem. She has to be.*
Except I know sheās not. Her home life is fucked ā her parents ditched her long ago, and she lives alone with an aunt who has dementia. She was aloof in school, she didnāt have many close friends. If anyone actually is looking out for her, theyāre doing a piss-poor job.
I watch it again. And again.
*Thereās gotta be someone else. Anyone elseā¦anyone but me.*
There isnāt.
Fuck. Fucking hell.
I finish my drink, I get my keys and coat. I get in my car and peel out, my pulse racing, my mind wandering back to the last time I saw her ā her last day of highschool.
*
Itās not unheard of to have a one-student class, but it is rather rare. AP Art just isnāt that popular, though ā most of the students taking art classes are doing it for the easy A.
Itās the ones who are dedicated, the ones who have real blossoming talent who continue on to the AP class. That was Mia.
Sheās gifted; so much was obvious from her first assignment as an underclassman. Over the years she took more of my courses, refining her skill, and as a senior she was a natural fit for AP even if others didnāt join.
Throughout that year I pushed her, I nurtured her talent. She drew and painted more and more, developing her own style. The results of which were rather shocking.
Sheād always had a gift for the human figure ā she canāt touch pen to paper without drawing people and their poses. And she has this innate sensuousness, this deep-seated curiosity about the mysteries between a man and a woman.
But as the weeks wore on, her figures became more specific, her themes more consistent.
I discovered that Mia canāt help but draw beautiful young women and handsome older men, posed together in sensual embrace. I discovered that sheās fascinated with the erotic, with the power disparities between a strong man and a submissive woman.
To say this put me in a difficult situation is an understatement. I had to critique each piece; we literally had to discuss in detail her intense attraction to men my age, her submissive tendencies and how they apply to her art.
But I kept it professional, godammit; I did what a good teacher should. I set boundaries, I stuck to them, I encouraged her. I had her draw more, paint more, I had her really work on her craft. We created a portfolio for her, we got her into art school. It was intense, it was trying, but we did it and never once did I cross the line.
Over the months we became closer; I learned more about her home life, I learned how tough she has it. Sometimes Iād buy donuts or pizza āfor the classā because I knew she wasnāt always eating all that much. I learned that she wasnāt doing great in her other subjects, that art was the only thing she really excelled in. I learned she didnāt have many friends.
I also learned she was madly in love with me.
I could tell; young ladies arenāt as discreet as they think. It was in the way she watched me ā the way her eyes were always on me when I turned around, the way she was always quickly glancing away. The way she lingered when she thought I wouldnāt notice. It was in the way she sat on the edge of her seat whenever I looked over at her, eager for any attention.
And it was in what I found on her easel the last day of class.
Sheād worked on the painting over the weekend, and sheād changed it a few times. It wasnāt until most of the way through the last workshop period that I checked in again.
It was a painting of her and I. Nude. Her image staring dreamily into my eyes, mine with a hand held lightly around her throat.
I swallowed hard; sheād looked up, and she was giving me the same look as in the painting.
āWhaā¦what is this,ā I asked slowly, stunned.
āItās myā¦itās my final project. Itās a man and a woman.ā
Sheād captured the dreaming stare perfectly; the masculine hands, the outstretched fingers around the throat were flawless and lifelike. It was wildly inappropriate ā it was also the best work sheād ever done. It was her masterpiece.
I realized my own hands were shaking and I put them behind my back.
I didnāt know what to say ā what the fuck was I supposed to do? Nothing prepares you for something like that. So I asked something stupid next, something I regret to this day.
ā...which man and woman?ā
She stared at me from her seat, her face hot, her breathing heavy.
ā...Mr. Baker I just want to please you,ā she whispered, almost inaudible. āI just want toā¦I just want to be yourāā
I shook my head, I held up my hand; I didnāt let her finish. I needed no more temptation ā Iād already done enough, Iād basically invited her to say as much. I strode back to my desk, furious with myself, desperately fighting the growing arousal gnawing at my guts.
I didnāt allow myself to look at her again; after a half hour she finished the piece and left, running out in tears.
*
Iām not a good guy. Iād be a liar if I told you I hadnāt thought of her.
You see whatever it is that Mia has, that need for the erotic, that craving for sensuality, that fascination for what goes on between men and womenā¦well I have it too.
Only I have it worse.
I keep it to myself, for the most part. I donāt let it intrude on my career, I keep my private life separateā¦but fuck do I love women. I crave them. Iām fascinated with the female figure, with the way they are. I love them almost too much ā I can be obsessive, intense. Controlling, domineering. I know this about myself, I know it and itās something I have to keep constantly aware of.
And that right there is why it should be anyone else, *anyone* other than me pulling up to Lexington Park in the middle of the night.
I find her after a few minutes sitting under a flickering streetlight, her head down, her chin on her chest. Sheās wearing a short plaid skirt and fishnet stockings, with a ripped jean jacket up top. A black choker around her throat. Her phone lies smashed on the ground as I approach.
The sight of her like that ā alone, drunk, vulnerable ā I canāt really explain, but it pisses me off. Iām mad that she fucked up, after all the work we did. Iām mad at her family and few friends, for not being here.
Iām mad that itās come to this ā that *I* should be the one who has to come get her, a man who shouldnāt be anywhere near.
But mostly Iām mad that I could feel this tempted, even still.
Thus Iām steaming as I stand over her, as she suddenly looks up in startled, fearful surprise.
āMrā¦Mr. Baker?ā she stammers, stunned. Sheās beautiful, somehow even moreso in the flickering half-light of the park. Her half-Japanese, half-Italian features are delicate and graceful, her pretty brown eyes accentuated by the catās eye makeup and eyelash extensions she prefers. Her alt outfit and septum piercing speak to the fact that sheās not exactly a good girl.
āCome on,ā I say, my voice stern as I take her by the upper arm. āWeāre going. Get your phone.ā
She stumbles a bit as she picks it up and then Iām steering her back towards the car, warily eyeing the loitering drunks and derelicts whoāve crept closer, who leer at us from the shadows.