I did not go to play. I really did not think it was a possibility.
I had sat in the background at more than one munch just watching, learning, and listening to those around me. Sometimes I would get excited and let loose my personality, a little, but I had not yet gotten to scene with anyone. Sure, in my vanilla life, I had been spanked, with a hand or paddle, but never with any strength. I knew I enjoyed the release that bondage allowed me, when I had played with rope and scarves previously I found that my brain stops, which is a definite turn on, because it rarely occurs. For me, men with mental strength is a large turn on. Those are some of the things that had led me here to munches and play parties. Yet I questioned myself, can I really do this? I knew I wanted to try, everything. Well almost everything. Of course that didn't and doesn't mean I am not a little scared! Although I hide it, I think, and that in itself is a turn on; for almost everything I want to do could be dangerous if I hand myself over to the wrong person. So I sat, drank a beer and watched friends and others play. While watching I tried to make sure those who were new to the scene didn't blatantly interrupt, I like being helpful and taking care of others, just part of what makes me who I am. It was a demonstration at a non BDSM event, a bar, so most had little idea of the etiquette involved, and I had tried to learn the rules early.
I remember watching another girl walk around in cuffs and thinking to myself I want to do that, to feel the leather binding me. As the evening went on, I found myself looking at all the implements laid out for others use and inspection. In their midst I saw curled, a small length of chain, it was a leash. It called to me, that length of chain. Honestly, I fantasized about being led around with a collar on; hands securely linked behind my back, all my attention focused on the Dominant holding the other end. I daydreamed about finding that certain Dominant who would hold my leash. As I played with the leash, almost innocently, with a small pout and not expecting anything I commented to no one in particular, I did not have anything to attach it to. Before I knew it a collar was found, it was black leather and wide with silver buckle. A Dom friend asked if he could help secure it around my neck.
Feeling it there, the collar, securely binding my neck, I take my hand and rub it over the strong Leather, then find the metal ring I attach the length of chain, and smile quietly to myself. Daydreaming, I sat holding and playing with the leash because there was no one else. One day, I think to myself.
Later in the evening my Dom friend asks if he can lead me for a bit by my leash. I agree, following a short distance behind him I pretend that he is someone I have submitted to, I hold my hands behind my back as if they were secured. I wonder if he noticed. When he is done he hands back the leash and says, "Thank you." I think to myself that this is why I have come to these events, to find someone I can hand over my virtual leash to, a physical representation of that internal need.
Sitting watching others in scenes around me, trying different implements, floggers, paddles, whips, listening to their cry's or moans I wonder what it would be like to be the one on the pommel horse or St. Andrews cross. I think about how beautiful the Cross is, sturdy black painted wood and hard to the touch. I imagine myself bound securely upon it and how escape would not be possible. Not that I would try, that is after all what I want; to be secured with no chance of escape, following the commands of another.
I watch as different people climb upon the horse their heads down, eyes closed. They grip the handles as another reddens their ass with hand or some other device. I wonder how each "toy" would feel on my skin, the flogger especially, because I have held one in my hands and hit the inside of my thigh. I had wondered how it would feel in some others hands.
