We ended up back in bed, and I had my waffles brought to me, along with fresh tea. Daniel sat naked in one of the chairs that overlooked the patio--our penthouse patio really was beautiful. We loved and regularly used our 10-foot rooftop swimming pool. Dan is sitting on the chair without any boxers, I hate when he sits naked on the furniture. Telling him to get up will only ruin this beautiful moment. Daniel sat up straight and looked out the window,
"Lena, do you see that person in the building across the street? It looks like they are looking at us."
"That Lady with the telescope? I think she is just looking at the sky honey."
"How long has she been there?" Daniel asked as he closed the curtain.
"I don't know," I answered as I ate my amazing waffles, the ones Daniel had brought to bed.
"By the way where were you last night? You didn't pick up or respond back to me or Danny, and the boys have been fighting again. I wanted to talk about it last night."
Daniel got up and walked out of our bedroom naked, so unlike him. He headed towards the front of the penthouse. I was on the last few bites of my waffles when he walked back in the bedroom and headed for the shower.
"Dan, did you hear what I said about the boys fighting? My mom is grabbing the kids from school today, and I don't want them driving her crazy. You should also repack your bag before Jill leaves so she can do the dirty laundry from your suit case. My bags are already packed, and I just need to go to the drug store for a few things. I think we should sit and talk about boys when we are waiting at the airport. Did you see the package on your desk?"
"Oh, no, don't let Jill in my bag. I'll manage without those clothes," Dan shouted from the shower.
"Okay, but she can wash them today and take the rest of the week off. And where were you last night?" I waited in silence.
"I'll leave the clothes out for Jill, and I'm sure you have some things to do before we go?"
"Well, I have to go to the store and to my office for about an hour. Should I meet you here or take a car to the airport and meet you there?"
"Just meet me there. If your bags are packed leave them, and I'll take them with me and check them." He was out of the shower and standing before me all wet in his towel. Kissing me, Daniel headed to the closet to get dressed.
I typically don't push much when it comes to Dan, his work can be stressful, and our home is his happy place. I really wanted to know what happen last night and why he didn't come home, but I figured I'd ask him later at the airport.
I got dressed and took an Uber to my office. I was in and out in no time. I headed to the drug store down the street, it was only a few blocks away. As I walked I noticed a woman following me down the street. She was wearing a grey dress with a grey jacket. Her clothes were tailored. She was tall and thin, her pale white skin and bright red hair made her hard to miss. The woman stood out from the crowd and I was sure she was following me.
I know I can be overly observant and slightly neurotic, but I remembered her standing outside my office before I went in.
I tried to stop my paranoia and focus on getting to the drug store, but she followed me in. Maybe she just needed aspirin? I finally decided to turn around and speak, but she had disappeared.
My phone started ringing, it was Dan, I answered.
"Lena are you at the store yet?"
"Yes Dan, I just got here?"
"Okay, can you grab me some razors and the... ugh" there was a long silence...
"What Dan... Dan... Dan what do you need from the store?"
"I'll text you Lena"
"Dan, you're on the phone with me now, just tell me what you need."
"I need to take this call Lena. It's for work. Can I just text you...," and he hung up
I looked up to realized that I had raised my voice and most of the people in the small drug store had heard my conversation.
Did it really matter what these people thought of me? What these people think should not matter; I focus too much on what everyone else thinks. Appearances were something that I could attempt to control, of course. It is just a time-consuming distraction from the fact that I feel alone in my life. My husband tries to make me happy; I can tell that he is trying. Only, I can't remember the last time he did something for me because it was what we enjoyed doing together.
Although our marriage is new, Daniel and I have been together over 5 years. Lately, he seems to do things because he thinks it will make me happy. He does what I ask but nothing more. I can't remember the last time Daniel spent a half hour telling me how he felt about our relationship or what he feels at all.
We used to be so in love, we would spend hours just kissing and talking about our feelings. We once shared our lives, and five years later all we share is a home. We have only been married six months, but we have been together for over five years.
Lately, I feel like he is forcing me to be happy, or worse he is just trying to convince himself that he is happy with me. And I decided to stop the seemingly meaningless arguments.
I started saying things like "yes" or "okay" when I want I really wanted was to scream "NO" or "why are you so selfish?" I think my family has somehow decided that my compliance means I am enjoying the fact that they all take me for granted. They literally take and take, and then they take from me some more.
I have even been thinking of seeing a therapist. Sometimes I feel bipolar because my life keeps me somewhere between feeling lonely or feeling smothered. I don't have my own space, I don't get to pull a move like Daniel and ignore my phone, or my family. The worst part is that as a mother I am supposed to say that my family's joy is all the reward I need.
As if all that 50's house wife, gender balanced, new age, hippie, homeschool crap is real; I have bought into this way of life in the past. In the end, I just feel worse because I am only fooling myself. In the end, my family just wants to continue with their definition of happiness.
That is partially why we hired Jill: I was the only one doing housework, and no one seemed to care until it effected them directly. They took my kindness without thanks, and there is no real difference now except I don't have to do the work. Still, I don't think they notice.
Truthfully at one point I had thought about what it might be like to just leave for a week like Dan does. I have had this thought a few times in the last few weeks. Every time I caught myself smiling until I thought about the kids and Dan. I should not have to feel guilty about saying "no," or doing less for them, even though they do not appreciate me. I could never do anything so selfish.
Who would double check their homework and make sure they don't eat expired food from the back of the refrigerator. Daniel would never be able to keep an assistant. If I didn't keep up with his personal calendar, he would fire someone every week. I am unsure of who the kids might become if I just didn't come home one day. They would wear dirty clothes and only ever eat meat, potatoes and sugar.
Daniel is 20 years older than I am--why should I be surprised by where we are in our relationship? We started as a cliché, of course, and have turned into another one. Daniel had only wanted someone to have fun with and go out with on weekends when we met. Someone younger, but smart and beautiful, was what he wanted. I had originally only wanted the lifestyle that Daniel's money would provide. But then we both fell in love. Now I drink wine or smoke pot every night, and Daniel is always gone or preoccupied when he is home. It has become increasingly difficult for me to control or hide my desire to scream at my entire ungrateful family.
