I feel the humming of the egg the Man buried up inside me. I whimper and my hips arch up, reaching for Him. My body feels weak yet energized at the same time. His scenes break me into pieces, shatter my soul, and rebuild another woman in her place. A sensuous, stronger, more intense woman who wants only to please Him, to give the very best of herself. He brings it out somehow from deep inside me. As He tells me now, as I am bound and naked for Him, He wants more, telling me to give Him more. My muscles are trembling and quivering from countless orgasms, my heart pounding in my chest, His gentle hand pushing the damp hair from my face. Looking at Him, I feel a connection with this Man like with no other.
My mind flashes back to the others I have known. Thinking how deeply I thought they had touched me, now realizing they barely scratched the surface. After being told for so many years that I was nothing, the computer was a balm to my battered spirit. I used the men I met here mercilessly, taking every once of pleasure I could wring from their words and thoughts. Desperately I rebuilt my sense of self, my very core of femininity that was crushed time and time again.
Sobbing suddenly, I thought of the times he laughed at my, or pushed my hands away, telling me not to touch him. That he didn't kiss me because he knew I would want more. Taking and taking from me until I was a mere shell, yet never giving an ounce of caring, or love, or appreciation back to me. I thought of how very strong I became in just a short time, nurtured by faceless men on the computer who saw me as something more than a maid, a caretaker, a nothing.
Day by day I drew from the men, absorbing the compliments like a sponge, drinking in the words of love and caring. My wounded heart began to grow again, and my spirit began to want again after years of not allowing myself to want anything, knowing I would never receive it. Inch by inch, I moved away from his iron control.
And the day came that I knew I did not want to spend my life this way; alone, lonely, unfulfilled, wanting. I hugged my new stronger sensual self tightly against me, using my writing as a way to express the thoughts and ideas inside me begging to come out.
As the men I met online disappeared from my life, one after the other, for one reason or another, I began to recreate Cathy. I had a lot of false starts and moves in the wrong direction, but constantly tried to learn from my mistakes. Again and again, I would open my heart to a man, and he would break it.
But the growth was worth the risk and the pain. Each time I became more sure it was not me, it was something in their own life that made them go away or back away. The times that I spent with them meant more to me than anyone could understand. Sparkling facets of this new Cathy were continuing to come out as I polished and shined, worked and tried harder, and gave of myself to the men in my online life.
I became friend, confidante, lover, adviser, and playmate to so many. I gave as much back to them as they gave to me. Some shared thoughts never expressed with anyone before. I never judged, I just listened, and offered myself, giving whatever they needed. Yet, at the same time, I was still drawing from them. I continued to grow and learn. In my real life, I could now look people in the eye, I lost weight, I wore more makeup and jewelry, my eyes sparkled, and I flirted. Men seemed drawn to this new Cathy, yet something was wrong.
As I grew, less and less of my friends were what I needed or wanted. There was a gnawing emptiness inside me. As I drifted further and further into the realm of D/s, the men I met took my breath away. Strong, confident, giving, sexual, powerful, all male, and above all else, miles away. The connections I felt the strongest with were those that were experienced Dom's, who knew that to make His sub the best she could possibly be was His primary purpose. But also knew that her sensual and sexual pleasure was for Him, a gift given to Him with joy and love. These Dom's inevitably lived hundreds if not thousands of miles away.
