"You don't want to do this," I said into my phone, peering through the blinds at the car that had just pulled into my driveway. "You walk through my door and there's no going back. You're going to be mine. Forever."
Alexis' soft voice responded with, "At this point, I don't really have a choice. Every day I wake up and crave your voice. If I go without it for too long I find myself falling apart. There is no way I'm stopping now."
Alexis was twenty-seven years old with a seven-year-old daughter. She had a career. She had been married and divorced. She had spent that last five years avoiding relationships because in her mind no one wanted a worthless slut who had a kid. Because of that, driving to see me could have been the first real thing she had done for herself since having Emma. "You need this. You might need this more than anything you've ever needed. I want you to know, when you get out of that car it's about twenty feet from where you are now to my front door. As you walk closer think about how those steps are the last few steps you're ever going to take as Alexis the person. When you walk through my door... you belong to me."
I hung up but kept watching. Alexis sat there in the dark, staring at my house. It must be a lonely feeling, sitting there in a silent car, too embarrassed to tell anyone where she really was, too scared to take those last few steps. I didn't make it easy for her. I told her, "I'm not safe. If you give me an opening I'll get inside your head. You'll be sitting at your desk, writing our names together inside of hearts. In the morning when you wake up, before you can even get out of bed, you'll need to text me. All day you'll wonder what I'm doing, what am I thinking, am I pleased and satisfied with you. And then at night, you won't be able to fall asleep without my voice."
In the beginning, before I called her the first time, I laid out the rules. "Rule one, you're not allowed to talk. Don't say hello. Don't say goodbye. Don't say one fucking word. Rule two, you can make noises. In fact, making noises is encouraged. If you like what I'm saying feel free to moan. This brings us to rule three, you're allowed to touch yourself with your hand. No toys, just your fingers on your clit, which brings us to the most important rule, rule four. Under no circumstance are you allowed to cum unless I say the words 'cum for me.' You must cum every time I say those words."
She couldn't have known at the time, but I was already conditioning her to obey me. When she picked up the phone I spoke. "Hear my words, feel them unburden you. Your whole life has a structure to it, but it has no purpose. You wake up every day and do what you need to do only because you have no choice. What does that get you? You scrape and claw your way from morning to night, dealing with one new problem after another. What's that, Emma's sick? Your boss won't let you leave work? He's yelling at you to stop making personal calls while Emma's crying in your ear? Doesn't it just make you want to Scream?
"Well, here's your chance - you're first real chance - to let go. Won't it feel
so good
to let go? Allow the sound of my voice to take that all away. Imagine there is this amazing cloud descending onto you. This cloud has a color. Maybe it's white, maybe it's blue, but whatever color it is it brings you great
comfort
. Feel the cloud envelop you. Feel it encompasses your entire body from head to toe. It makes you feel
so warm
and
so safe
. It makes you feel
so calm
and
so relaxed
.
"I want you to take a deep breath. Really fill up your lungs. Imagine that beautiful warm cloud that's covering your body and making you feel
so safe
and
so relaxed
is inhaled through your nose. See it get sucked in. Feel it rushing to your lungs making your chest feel
so comfortable
. But the cloud can't stay there very long. It's too heavy, gently sinking down your body, traveling through your legs to your feet. Feel it accumulating there in your toes. Can you feel your toes? Aren't they
so warm
and
so relaxed
?
"When you exhale imagine all the bad in your life, all the stress that keeps you from being happy gets pushed out your mouth. Maybe it's an ex, maybe it's the traffic on your way to work. It can be anything that's a negative in your life. Maybe it's something in your past, something that really hurt you. Feel all those things rushing out of you as you exhale. See it come out as a black or gray smoke.
"Now, keep inhaling through your nose, inhaling more and more of that amazing cloud. Feel it accumulating in your feet and in your ankles. Feel it accumulating in your calves. The
more
of the amazing cloud you consume the
fuller
you feel; the more
relax
ed and at
peace
you are. Imagine the cloud inside you is pushing up all the bad. You're being filled with
so much good
and exhaling so much bad. Keep taking those deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Feel the cloud making your thighs feel
so warm
and
so relaxed
. Feel it in your hips, now. Feel it in your stomach. Watch all the pain leave your mouth, see it out there in front of you where it can't touch you or hurt you anymore.
"
Let go,
keep letting
go. Remember, this is what you've always wanted. You've always wanted to feel
so comfortable
and
so relaxed
. Hear my voice guide you to
complete and total relaxation
. By now you should have consumed almost all of the cloud. Your body should feel
completely at rest
. Take one more deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. Suck into your body the last of that amazingly
warm
and
beautiful
cloud.
"Notice how your body is enveloped by a new cloud, a dark ugly one. All of that was inside of you. Now, it's on the outside where it can't hurt you. Your whole body is glowing the color of the good cloud that acts as a kind of shield protecting you. Don't you feel
so safe
,
so warm
and
so loved
? Watch as that darkness around you slowly fades away. Watch as all your worries disappear into the air. What's left is the
good
feelings; a
warm
ness from head to toe.
"That
warm
ness is the embodiment of
my voice
. By now you should be aware I have
complete
control
over you. Feel
my voice
touching your shoulders. Feel
my
hands digging into your muscles. Notice how
relaxed
that part of your body is growing as
my
thumbs dig
deeper
and
deeper
into your tissue. My hands make you
more
and
more
relaxed
. I'm going to massage your arms, along your biceps down to your forearms. Feel how
relaxed
your hands get as I rub your palms and massage your fingers.
"That's it. Doesn't it feel
so good
? Don't you want to feel my hands all over your body? Don't you want
my voice to touch every inch of you
? I want you to take your hands and slowly move them up to your breasts. Massage your breasts just as you'd want me to touch you. Realize it's
my voice
controlling your movements right now, it's me who has
all the power
. And you want to give up that power because
it feels so good to submit, it feels so amazing to let go
. That's it, squeeze your breasts, twist your nipples. That's my hands touching you. It is
my words
deep inside your mind.
"Feel those sensations when you take your nipples between your fingers. Feel those sensations
surge
through your body. Hear my words telling you to
obey
; telling you to
let go
. Let my words
surge
from your mind. That's, it squeeze them harder. Your hands are my hands.
My voice