Memoris Of A Master Slave14

I have been putting off writing this last chapter of my Memoirs because it has been painful to remember. My relationship with slave14 evolved quickly from Discipline to spanking play to Master/Slave to lovers. My previous persona as a Master was transformed in the process by my love for her. So this chapter will be a love story.

I met slave14 after I had decided to end all of my affairs and stay faithful to my wife. There were still a few lingering Email and cyber-relationships hanging on but I had ended my real life relationship with slave8 and was in the process of disconnecting from the BDSM world completely.

I had forgotten about an ad I posted on a spanking site about providing discipline services to submissive women that were in need. I had never been contacted about the ad so I forgot about it. But then I got an Email from a woman that I will call slave14. She was a college student and had done poorly in a class. Her falling GPA was putting her full-ride scholarship at risk. She knew the reason she had done poorly was because she was struggling with the self-discipline necessary to put in enough time studying. She felt she needed "outside help" to do better.

She was local and obviously much younger than I was. I was skeptical. I had no intentions of meeting her in person and was unsure how to enforce discipline without administering punishment in person. But she sounded like she really needed help. To make sure she was real, I had her send me a picture of her driver's license. She was a very attractive woman: average height, curvy, big tits, pretty face. She was not dating and not sexually active. In fact, she was a virgin. More about that later.

I decided to give it a try. I created a spreadsheet for her to log her study time. There was a column for every day of the week and the rows where half-hour increments. She was to record what she did for every 30 minutes of the day from waking to bed with a letter code. At the bottom, where rows that totaled the various categories: in class, eating meals, doing household chores, in transit, studying, leisure, working.

We agreed on a quota of study hours for each day and week. She was to send me the spreadsheet weekly and report if she had missed a quota daily. Not making a quota would obviously result in discipline and exceeding a quota would yield a reward. She understood if she was dishonest in the slightest degree, I would be done with her.

The relationship was strictly Email and chat for months. I struggled with coming up with punishments that could be self-administered. We discussed how neither of us were motivated to meet in person but also that the "quality" of the punishments suffered because of that.

I learned a lot about her. She was shy. She had strong fantasies about being spanked and had done some self-spanking but was not satisfied with it. She was a cutter. She had only a minor intimate relationship with another girl that finger-raped her. In spite of the finger-raping, she was still a virgin. She had a huge case of body dysmorphia. She also described herself as asexual.

That term was new to me except for the biological definition. I came to learn from her that in the pantheon of gender and sexuality, it means someone that has zero sexual desire or interest. I was doubtful but after some research, discovered that this really was a "thing". Then I thought maybe it was a psychological syndrome and not physical. I learned later that it is completely physical.

In spite of struggling with self-administered punishments, my methods were successful and her quantity of study time increased significantly along with her grades. I also coached her on quality as well as quantity, sharing my knowledge of efficient study techniques and test-taking tips.

The boundaries of our relationship expanded. We enjoyed each other's cyber-company and had a shared interest in BDSM. In her case, she was narrower in her interests: receiving corporal punishment and being choked and slapped. She also liked being confined (bondage). Her favorite porn would include the entire punishment ritual: being scolded, waiting for the punishment, various punishment positions and implements, being made to count, being cuddled, and corner time.

I had an interest in giving corporal punishment but for all of my BDSM experience, I had little experience with severe impact activities for a simple reason: my previous real-life slaves were all married. I couldn't send them home with stripes, welts, bruises or scars. So there was an intellectual and intimate attraction between slave14 and myself but we also both had reasons not to meet in person: I was married and she had a deep distrust of "strangers".

Big mistakes are made when there is opportunity and weakness. The force that kept us apart weakened one day when my wife left town for a month. I told slave14 that an opportunity had presented itself for us to get together for a spanking session and it was now or never. She weakened as well and showed up at my doorstep a few days later.

She WAS beautiful but hated her appearance. She had been told she was fat since childhood but she wasn't. She was curvy and had very large breasts. She was easily the most beautiful woman I'd ever been with. Since she had no attraction to men, she had no desire to use makeup. So her appearance was attractive but "unimproved". She didn't care to impress me; she was there to get her ass paddled.

I had no collection of spanking implements and got together what I could on short notice. In the months ahead, I would build or buy a nice assortment of impact tools. And, as I said, I had little real experience. For example, I had yet to discover that there is a huge spectrum of "ass tenderness" when it comes to impact. Some women will bruise with hand spanking and some will not bruise in spite of very harsh impact.

Anyhow, she was at my house for the sole purpose of being spanked. I ordered her to remove her clothes from the waist down and she did so. I had her lay forward over the back of the couch and I started with a piece of finish lumber that I used as a paddle. I also had a yardstick, wooden spoon and probably some other wood implements. I gave her my best and she took it all without making a sound. I was stunned. I later learned that she assumed I wanted a stoic spankee. We later agreed that she would make some sound when the blow was particularly painful. Episodes of crying or anger were exceptionally rare.

I don't remember how long we were at it but at some point, we took a break and sat on the couch. She immediately curled up and cuddled with me like we had been boyfriend/girlfriend for years. In her mind, I had met her deepest need and therefore was her instant partner. She ended up staying the night.

So in a few hours' time, I had gone from a "stranger" that she was distrustful of, to boyfriend and partner, and she was ready to move things along to Master/slave. She asked for rules. I was ill-prepared but rose to the occasion:

- No self-harm including negative self-comments

- No dishonesty including dishonesty of omission

- Complete obedience to my orders

- No swearing

- No alcohol or drugs or smoking

- No skipping class, missing work or appointments without permission

- Take good care of her possessions (she had a bad habit of putting her phone in the washing machine)

She had readily exposed her ass and cunt to me because that was necessary for an effective spanking. She was less inclined to show me her boobs but soon they were "out" and they were mine. I was very slow to make any sort of sexual advances. I soon found that her asexuality was very real: no matter how I caressed, kissed, touched, stimulated, etc., her pussy never produced any moisture or signs of excitement. She later told me that she was capable of an orgasm but it was a huge effort to achieve. She used orgasms as a sleep aid.

Those fantasies were the classic fantasies for a woman with "Daddy issues". She was the only girl in an all-boy traditional Catholic household and the only attention she ever got from her father was when she got a spanking. So the pressure to move into a "Daddy-daughter" relationship, especially considering the age difference (I was older than her father), was intense. I resisted for a while but eventually yielded.

During the month that my wife was absent, we met often and our relationship advanced rapidly. We met each other's most important needs in multiple ways. Perhaps the relationship was co-dependent. In any case, it was during those 4 weeks when she told me that she was in love with me.

I remembered that phone call with clarity: She mentioned it matter-of-factly: "You know that I'm in love with you." I was stunned and alarmed. Suddenly the relationship had changed from spanking and discipline buddies or Master and slave to.... what? At that point I had not even considered any emotional connection other than affection. But now, she was in love with me.

I stammered through some sort of response but that phone call was a key turning point. I guess for me, when I know someone loves me it becomes easier for me to love them. I don't know when it happened, but I ended up in love with her too.

Love changes the dynamics of a BDSM relationship. My satisfaction with the relationship migrated from meeting my needs to meeting her needs. I came to understand that she wanted and needed spanked EVERY DAY. We couldn't manage that but a lot of our time together was consumed with causing physical impacts to her body. We would go to the beach and she would get spanked. We'd go for a hike and she's get spanked. We would go to a restaurant and I'd take her out back and spank her. If we were out shopping or at a mall, we'd find a quiet corner and she'd get spanked. The trunk of my car always had innocent-looking items that could be used for spanking.

Her needs were met by attention to the back of her body: whips and floggers to her back, canes, whips, paddles, floggers to her ass, back of her thighs, and calves. My goal was to mark her, temporarily and permanently. She wanted scars for "trophies" and I managed to create a few on her ass without knowing specifically how I did it.

Her back was not satisfied with merely being whipped and flogged. She encouraged me to drag a wire brush over her back creating small cuts and bleeding I didn't enjoy that and didn't do it often.

My needs were met by the front of her body. For some reason, impact to anywhere on the front of her body was not satisfying to her. Perhaps because her father never struck her there? So any boob torture, whipping and caning her belly and cunt, caning the front of her thighs and occasionally, bastinado were things I did for my enjoyment. Or for her punishment.

The only penetration of her pussy I attempted was with my finger. She was incredibly tight and dry and had memories of her finger rape so cunt penetration was a non-starter. Penetration of her ass was done to enhance the painful activities that we were engaged in: I figged her once and used capsaicin cream there once.

Our sessions were intense and got more intense. Her capacity for pain was formidable. I once counted the number of cane strokes on her ass and stopped counting at 400. We eventually introduced choking and face-slapping into our sessions at her request.

During one especially intense session, she drifted into subspace. I was alarmed because I didn't understand what was happening. She appeared to go unconscious but her eyes were partially open and tears were coming out. I revived her quickly because I was alarmed and together we determined that subspace was what had happened. She liked it a lot and said it was a very peaceful state. She was aware of the strokes she received while in it but they didn't register as pain. From then on, achieving subspace was a goal but it was not always achieved.

I learned how to care for her when she was in subspace since she was completely incapacitated. I would roll her onto her side to make sure she could breathe OK and would whisper into her ear and caress her until she came out of it. Sometimes I could continue the impact activity.

As the relationship continued to progress, she dropped another bombshell and said that she would like to be married to me. This was yet another paradigm shift to my thinking. Being married would have broken many conventions, would have shocked my children and her parents and siblings. But I started to think about it as a possibility. After all, I truly believed I was in love with her.

I guess all of us endure a tug of war inside our heads between opposing personality attributes and wills. My BDSM activities have always represented a struggle between my kind nature and my desire to dominate women. With 14, the big struggle was between my loyalty and just nature (staying with my wife) versus my own happiness (marrying 14). In the end, my commitment to my wife and children won out and I decided to end the relationship with 14.

It may sound extreme to say that it was the most painful thing I've ever done in my life, but over 10 years later, I can't think of a harder and more devastating thing I've ever done. I suffered grief for years and suspect she may have also. The pain has not left me completely; writing this story has been difficult.

I believe that grief has a half-life: Perhaps a year after the event, you feel half the grief you did at the time of the separation. Then a year later, you feel half of what you felt at a year. As you can see, with this formula, grief gets milder but never goes away completely.

14 did well with life, at least on the surface. She graduated, went to medical school and started a career as a physician. I take pride in the fact that I helped her improve her study habits and time management such that she retained her scholarship and had a GPA good enough to get her into medical school.

Best wishes slave 14, wherever you are. You're in my heart forever.