Memories of X

The Friday night dorm party to kick off December wasn't starting well. I'd just blown up at Malcolm, and now my roommate sounded angry with me.

"What the HELL were you fighting with him about?" Patty asked, after pulling me into the women's restroom. "I could hear you shouting all the way at the other end of the hall from inside the lounge!"

"You can imagine what we were fighting about, can't you?" I said, raising my voice to match hers. "He was hitting on me! And I don't think I have to take that!"

Patty hesitated, then looked a little skeptical. "What? You mean he just came out and asked you to go to bed? I can hardly believe Malcolm would be that rude."

"No," I answered. "He asked me to go out with him . . ."

"Well if you didn't want to go out with him, why didn't you just say no nicely?" Patty interrupted. "He looked awful after you finished with him!"

"I did say no nicely, twice!" I shouted, angry that Patty was taking Malcolm's side. "But he didn't understand that part! He was too mealy-mouthed to ask me to go to bed, but he made eyes while he was asking me out, and then he just kept repeating himself, like he couldn't believe I'd turn him down! He's so arrogant he thinks that all he has to do is crook his finger!"

"I wish he'd crook his finger at me!" Patty shouted back. "And so does every girl on our floor! But of course you're the one all the boys ask out Ñ you're the pin-up queen Ñ and it's WASTED on you. Talk about arrogant! You've turned down every boy on our floor now, haven't you, Laura? Except for the quiet ones that would never get enough courage to ask you! You haven't been out with anybody since last year, when you had that loser boyfriend with the motorcycle! Vince! The one who was training to be an auto mechanic? I'm glad he didn't show up again this fall Ñ he looked like someone you'd read about holding up liquor stores!"

"Well fuck you, OK?" I shouted. "I don't need to get your approval of the boys I date!"

I slammed out the door, just catching Patty's parting remark, "Boys? I've only seen the one boy in two years? Vin-cent!"

I didn't expect to enjoy the party now, but I was so angry I wasn't going to let anybody think they'd driven me away. I was relieved not to see Malcolm in the lounge, and I went to the drinks table where Bob was pouring. He cheerfully provided the rum and coke I requested, heavy on the rum. Twenty minutes later I was starting my third and I sat down alone on a sofa, beginning to feel really depressed.

I've always had a terrible temper. I was a brat when I was growing up, with frequent tantrums where I'd destroy property and throw things at people. Mom was a schoolteacher and Dad was a librarian, both of them dead-set against physical punishment for children, but by the time I was ten they gave up on theory and started paddling me when I acted up. Once they learned to do it hard enough to intimidate me, it was the only thing that made me behave myself for three or four weeks at a time. My disposition got even worse during adolescence, and I kept getting punished until I was nearly sixteen, when I finally understood that my parents were really on my side and my anger was hurting me more than anyone else.

I was boy-crazy early, but by the time I was allowed to date I had special needs I couldn't communicate to any of the boys I knew, so it never worked out. I'd start feeling sexually stifled in every relationship, even with the two guys I went to bed with, and I'd end up getting angry and starting arguments until we broke it off. In my Sophomore college year I decided it was hopeless and began refusing dates, but when I met Vince last February I immediately realized he was different. He came from a tough neighborhood in LA and had an effective way of dealing with my temper, which meant, among other things, that I was able to relax with him. He was a lot smarter than Patty realized, and kind of sweet really, so I opened up to him more than I ever had with boys in school. He learned about my special needs and how to turn me on, and we ended up having a great physical relationship! But then Vince got in trouble last summer, and the police said that if he joined the Marines they'd drop charges. We both cried when he had to leave, but he only wrote once at the end of basic training to say he was going to be stationed in Manila. I realized after reading the letter several times that he was telling me he wasn't going to be any good at carrying on a relationship by mail.

So here I was almost halfway through my senior year without a guy in my life, acting bitchy when I got asked out because I felt so frustrated. Malcolm was probably the nicest guy in our dorm. He hadn't really been that pushy Ñ he probably just knew my reputation for not dating and didn't want to give up too easily. I felt tears in my eyes, and realized the drinks were making me maudlin. Then I saw Patty magically appear next to me on the sofa.

"I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time, Laura," she said gently. "I lost my temper."

"YOU lost your temper?" I realized I was close to slurring my words. "You do OK in the temper department, but I'm the one who's the champion at that!"

"Yeah, we both have tempers. I think it's because we're both half-Irish: Laura O'Connor and Patty Doherty!" This was Patty's favorite reason for all our shared traits. "But you're the one with red hair, so you have the champion temper!"

I nodded a little too vigorously and felt dizzy. That was what all my Irish relatives said too.

"I'm going to have to apologize to Malcolm when I see him," I said. "If you run into him first, tell him I feel bad about the things I said, OK? And I didn't really mean them." Patty nodded, friendly again now that I was acting reasonably, and I added, "I'm really sorry I told you to fuck yourself, Patty. I think one reason I'm so tense lately is that I've been trying to diet."

"And the other reason is that you're dying to try it!" This was another of Patty's favorites.

"Yeah, that's true."

I wasn't going to explain how true it was, though, not even to a roommate. I'd been tense most of the term because I was following a regimen to reduce my libido that I'd read about in book on women's sexuality. The book said that if I cut down on masturbating I'd eventually stop thinking about it so much, but it sure hadn't worked during the eight weeks I'd been trying. My target was once a week, and I hadn't been able to achieve that yet, but at least I'd cut back from the twice a day frequency after Vince left.

I talked with Patty for a while and gradually began feeling social again, so I didn't leave the party until midnight. I'd had a lot to drink by then and I wasn't used to it, so I just had time to get my clothes off before I fell into bed naked and went to sleep. At least I was able to avoid my usual fight with temptation after I got in bed, which was usually worst on a Friday night.

When I woke up and looked at the clock, it was almost 9:00 AM. On a Saturday! Shit! I was late, and X would be angry!

I grabbed my robe and bathroom kit and ran into the hall, unexpectedly meeting a floor resident named Tim while I still didn't have my robe fastened properly. I had to take my time in the toilet to get ready for my weigh-in, but then I showered and brushed my teeth in three minutes flat, and ran back to my room. Patty was gone, so I didn't have to be surreptitious about what I did next. I rummaged in my panty drawer for my diaphragm, glooped in some Koromex jelly and inserted it. Then I put on my underwear and a tracksuit, stood up, and said, "I'm ready."

I had the usual feeling of being in a Star Trek transporter as my dorm room dissolved around me and X's larger bedroom took its place. X was standing in front of me wearing his running suit, and I knew he didn't have any underwear on Ñ he could just pull down his pants and he'd be ready to come into me. I suddenly felt tremendously attracted to his tall runner's body, six-two to my own five-ten, and realized how horny I was. But I knew I wasn't going to get any treats to start with.

"You're late, Laura." X sounded annoyed, and I felt a sinking feeling. "Are you ready for your weigh-in?"

"Yes, sir," I said, and started taking off my own tracksuit, flushing like a fifteen-year-old as usual.

I didn't understand why I still got so embarrassed stripping in front of X. I should be used to it by now! I'd finally settled on taking off my bra in case the three ounces might put me over my weight line, but leaving on my panties since they only weighed an ounce. I knew I wouldn't have my panties on very long, but I just couldn't bring myself to take them off for my weigh- in. When I stepped on the scales, I held my breath as I adjusted the small weight, and finally let it out again as I saw I was right on my line, 143 pounds. So I wouldn't get paddled for that! I marked my weight for the week on the chart, then stepped off the scale and went to the table where X had his paddle and other toys.

"Did you masturbate again this week after I caught you Monday?" X asked. He didn't sound angry now, so I began to hope he wouldn't be too hard on me.

"Yes, sir," I answered. I had to tell the truth, of course. "I did it again on Wednesday after dinner. I was getting so horny I couldn't stand it."

"That's hard to believe since I got you off after your paddling on Monday." X paused, looking at my body in a way that excited me, then continued, "But at least you waited two days, so you'll only get twenty spanks for that. Did you do anything else to be punished for?"

"Yes, I was late just now . . ." I hesitated, trying to resist telling on myself, but it was hopeless. ". . . and I acted bratty with Malcolm and started a fight when he asked me out."

"How many spanks do you think you deserve?" I felt a wave of relief as I realized I was going to be allowed to name my own punishment. I didn't dare make it too easy though.

"Twenty for fighting with Malcolm and ten for being late?" I worried he'd say I wasn't being serious enough and double the number, but he didn't.

"All right, that's fifty you have coming. Get in position."

Now I had to drop my panties of course and I got MUCH more embarrassed, flushing like a fifteen-year-old about to get a bare bottom paddling from a male classmate. I dropped my panties before X could say I'd delayed, then bent over the heavy table close to X, who was standing at the head of the table on my left. I reached as far across the table as I could to grab the other edge, and spread my legs to lower my hips, until my belly was resting on the surface. All the weight of my upper body was on the table in this position, so I couldn't jump up Ñ I couldn't even twist away when I felt the first paddle spank land.

I cried out when it came, then concentrated on making as little noise as I could, as I'd been told. Toward the end of the first thirty I was squealing pretty loudly with each new stroke, but then X gave me a short rest and I was able to catch my breath for a minute. The right cheek of my bottom was a lot more sore than the left, and I wished X would switch sides between rounds to make it even out. Somehow it didn't feel right this way. He never did that though.

After a few minutes rest, X started paddling me again, and I felt much more tender. I gave a little shriek every time I got a spank, and I was keening continuously at the end. X had a rule I couldn't ask for mercy or I'd get extra spanks for speaking out of turn, so I just had to take it. I was grateful that I was only getting fifty spanks today, because it felt excruciating when I had to get a third or fourth round. X never gave me more than four rounds, thank God.

Now that my paddling was over I was anticipating what X would do next, and looking forward to the part at the end. X told me to let go of the opposite edge of the table. Then he dropped the leaf on that side, so I was resting on a narrower table with my breasts hanging pendulously over the edge where the leaf used to be. I put both arms behind my back and grasped one wrist with the other hand, then felt them lock together. X was still at the head of the table where he could touch my breasts and rear, and I gasped as he started to rub my sore bottom with his right hand. I felt sudden arousal moving in waves from my behind into my groin, and when he started playing with my nipples in front I began panting and making little cooing noises. X seemed to move his left hand away from my breasts, but I could still feel my nipples being played with, both of them in fact, and then I saw X reach around me for the moisturizer cream. A moment later I felt the little anal dildo sliding into my rectum, and I got even more excited, squirming in place on the table as he pushed it in and out. A minute later X's middle finger came between my legs and touched my clit, and I was humping immediately, moving as much as I could against X's finger in that position. Within a minute I was moaning loudly, and pretty soon I felt like I was only about ten seconds from orgasm.

X always knew when I got close though, and he stopped touching me whenever I had any hope of getting off. He left me with no contact for about thirty seconds, then touched my clit again for a much shorter period until I felt like I could come again, and broke contact a second time. He kept repeating this, leaving me without contact for thirty second breaks, then touching me again to get me close. After awhile he only had to touch me for a few seconds after each break, and I felt like I was ready to come anytime if he just maintained contact for ten seconds. I was humping galvanically now whenever he touched me, and even when he didn't, making animal noises and losing control of my leg muscles, beginning to drool on the floor.

Suddenly X spoke through my fog of arousal. "Do you want to come?"

"Yes, sir!" I shouted. "Please, sir! I'll do anything you say."

X told me to stand up, and I saw he'd taken off his tracksuit and had a wonderful erection for me! He started walking over to the bed, and I ran in front of him, so aroused I was practically dancing with excitement, but afraid he'd be mad if I tried to hurry him. He got on the bed and lay down on his back while I waited for permission, then finally told me I could get on top. I was on top with him in me within three seconds, and I came instantly with a guttural scream. X hadn't had any friction at all up to now, so he was still rock-hard, thrusting in and out of me and manipulating my anal dildo with his fingers, and almost right away I began to climb to a second orgasm, something I never had ordinarily. I came again just as X started his climax and we were both making a lot of noise at the end.

After it was over I got down on the bed by his side but kept my arms around him so we could hug. I felt profound satisfaction from my two orgasms, but I still wanted X to show me some affection. Luckily, X liked to cuddle after sex too, so we spent a long time kissing and twining our bodies as close as possible. Pretty soon he started teasing me about what a naughty girl I was, but made it clear he thought it was sexy to punish me. By this time the paddling I'd had seemed like just a preliminary to sex, but I knew I'd be scared later to get another one. Still, I understood that this was the discipline I needed, so I told X that, and he kissed me and hugged me until my tension and unhappiness of the past few days had disappeared. I finally drifted off to sleep for a minute and when I came out of it X said it was time to leave, so I got up obediently, took out the anal dildo and took it into the bathroom to wash it off, then put on my clothes. After I said, "I'm ready," I saw X's bedroom dissolve back into my dorm room, the last thing I noticed.

It was nearly six on Saturday when I finished my homework and put away my text. I was all caught up, so I had the rest of the weekend to myself, but when I stood up from my desk I noticed a squishy feeling between my legs. My period was two weeks away, and when I took off my panties I saw a milky discharge that smelled sexual. Odd. I'd gotten myself off this morning, Saturday was the one day a week I was aiming at, but I wiped afterward didn't I?

I couldn't remember. In fact I couldn't actually remember masturbating, although I was positive I'd done it. I still felt kind of satisfied: there was only the tiniest bit of sexual tension beginning to come back. But this was so weird, not remembering! I usually lapsed from my regimen a few times during the week, but the book I was reading said I was supposed to concentrate on my target day, and I looked forward to it a lot!

I wiped myself with a wash cloth and dropped the cloth and my panties in the hamper. When I opened my panty drawer, I saw my diaphragm container on top, next to the Koromex jelly. Weird! This was the fifth or sixth time I'd seen it there, and I couldn't explain it! I'd been in my room all day since I got dressed that morning, so nobody could have moved it! I opened the container and looked at my diaphragm, unused since Vince left in late August. What the hell was going on? I seemed to be having a lot of memory lapses lately.

Patty was out as usual Ñ she was almost never in the room Ñ but she usually came home for dinner. I started reading ahead in my Accounting text, and Patty arrived a few minutes later with Gail, so we went to Angelo's and split a large pizza. Afterward I went to the dorm lounge and watched TV for awhile, then took a long walk around the campus before I came home and got ready for bed. I wasn't very horny yet, and it was easy to resist temptation on Saturday night.

On Sunday, I joined Patty and her group that takes hikes around the Park trails. It was a long, vigorous day, and we had a late dinner when we got home, then sat around talking in the lounge until I felt like bed. Patty said she wanted to stay another hour, but she'd let herself in quietly. Sometimes I wished Patty were in the room more so I wouldn't have so much temptation. After I got in bed, I realized all the exercise had brought out my physical side and I was dying to masturbate. I'd been trying my best not to do it two days in a row, but I kept having erotic thoughts and felt myself weakening. I finally decided to give in and was reaching my hand down, when I suddenly remembered: X might catch me!

Whenever I tried to masturbate lately, X caught me at it about half the time. I'd start humping in my bed on my tummy the way I always do, and when I got really close I'd be pretty oblivious until I suddenly realized I was in X's bedroom and he was watching me doing belly flops onto my hand. No matter what I'd been wearing when I started I'd be naked on X's bed with no bedclothes, and I'd feel intense shame getting caught in the act like that. Then X would make me get up and bend over the table, and I'd get twice as many spanks as I would if he didn't catch me until I reported myself on Saturday. And of course he'd double my spanking again if I tried to get off two days in a row, right after he fucked me on Saturday!

I didn't dare masturbate now. At least if I waited for Monday night, X wouldn't be so mad and I'd only get twenty spanks on Saturday if he didn't catch me at it. I started feeling even more turned on as I thought about X catching me, but I wasn't seriously tempted. I drifted off to sleep thinking sexy thoughts about X.

Monday morning I woke up at eight AM, feeling good. I remembered I'd been tempted to masturbate last night, but I'd somehow found the self-control to resist. I was getting so I never did it two days in a row anymore.

My first class was at eleven, but I had a dental appointment at nine-thirty, so after breakfast I spent some time looking through my diary until I had to leave. I noticed I'd written in my height and weight in late September: five- nine and 143 pounds.