Melissa gazed down at the small space where her feet rested. Her black, flat heeled shoes, the ones that gave her comfort and reminded her of how easy it was for her to just forget the world, were tattered and worn, the seams on the side ungluing. She sighed deeply, trying to calm herself, remembering where she was.
If anyone had told her almost a year ago that she would be on a plane heading to a distant country, she would have told them they were out of their mind! Or if they had told her she was planning to leave her family, her husband and children behind to embark on the personal journey of a lifetime. She would have told them there was no possible way it was going to happen. Back then she would have sworn she loved her husband and was genuinely happy living in the norms of domesticity. The same little dream of the white picket fence all good little girls have when they are young. The one they live out as they play with their dolls, or while playing "house" with the next door neighbours boys.
She found out very quickly how things changed for her. It was like a tornado that swept through and tore out all the lies and false beliefs. Things she had told herself were morally right to do. Things she was conditioned to be from a child. " Be a mother, be a wife, be acceptable and do the things you are supposed to do."
Those things were gone now. Removed by the incredible awakening of who she really was, of what she was born to become. She realized that she hadn't chosen to be a mother. It wasn't that she didn't love her children. She had just done what was so normal for other young girls and women. To have children. That primal urge to have your own offspring and to feel safe and secure. To feel needed, wanted and loved.
If she could have only seen it for herself back then. Things would have been different for her. She would have headed out on this path such a long time ago. It didn't matter though. It was happening now and she felt so right about it.
The same peace she felt when her controlling husband finally left the house, she was feeling now. It was the right thing to do. She wanted so badly out of that unhealthy relationship and it felt like it took forever for her to muster up the courage to end it.
She had incredible resentment towards him. He never treated her girls the same. Always giving one more than the other. Putting the two against each other. His ability to intimidate her, leaving her feeling too paralyzed to change things and be herself.
To walk away from her children was so hard. She loved them, but knew there was no way she could bring them on this journey with her. Part of her desperately wanted to bring them along, but the biggest part of her said "no". The new life she was about to embark on was no place for children.
She struggled with herself for months over it. Morality and "doing the right thing" kept creeping into her mind. She couldn't count the number of times she felt she was so selfish and uncaring. Wondering what people would think about her and the guilt that she would feel afterwards. Did it mean that leaving them meant she was a failure?
Melissa shook her head to clear all the whirling thoughts and quickly reminded herself why she was on the plane in the first place. She wanted no parts of those morals and the guilt attached to them. She wanted to banish guilt and shame of any kind from her life. Anything that would cause her pain and keep her from moving forward. Anything causing her to feel as unworthy as she had most of her life.
She restlessly gazed up to the small compartment where her things had been neatly hidden away. And decided she would wait. Just that little bit longer, for the voice from the speakers overhead announcing she would soon be arriving at her destination.
Her mind began to wander back to the beginning, when she first met him on the Internet. His pictures revealed him as being a deeply nicely tanned older man with beautiful blue eyes that could pierce the very core of her. His nicely trimmed blonde hair flickered like gold when the sun hit it on a balmy day
She had spoken to him on the phone several times and spent countless hours in chat with him. They had discussed everything from casual topics to philosophy. And the cyber sex with him, it was like nothing she'd experienced. Telling him all her fantasies and dreams. Fantasies and dreams from the darkest corners of her soul. Where no one ever touched and no one ever went. Not even her. He awakened feelings and desires in her she never realized she had. He had already brought her to orgasmic heights she never believed she would reach, especially at such a great distance.
For a moment, anyone nearby could have heard her giggling. Her own disbelief at what this man had drawn out of her causing her to stifle the giggle. The intensity of conversation and depth of connection she felt with him was unlike anything she had ever dreamed. The level of communication always deepening, intensifying. There were times where she could hear him speaking to her as she walked down the street or lay quietly in her bath. With each question she asked in her mind or at a deeper level within her soul, he would answer her, his voice rebounding within her head and chest. So real it shocked her into wondering whether what she was hearing was real or just the product of her intense desire to hear him in reality.
To her there was no one like him in this whole universe to compare. Who could give her exactly what she needed. Allowing her to be herself and live the multiple dimensions of roles she enjoyed. Her desire to be a slut and a wife. To be degraded in the lowest possible way, yet to be uplifted by the experience at the same time. To be his slave, yet in slavery, to be set totally and completely free. To experience degrees of pain that would send her to the heights of pleasure and back again. And not once, but over and over.
There was no man worthy of taking her extreme sexual perversions and drawing them out and receiving pleasures from them. No other soul alive could have broken down the walls she had built around herself over the years to prevent anyone from getting too close. For some reason, she knew from the instant she met him she had to let go of it all, let him take her completely. From the moment it all began, she belonged to him. He owned her in the deepest possible way.
Melissa knew this was it. He was the one with whom she would spend her life growing.
He was her Master and she knew from the start she wanted to belong to him. Wanted him to teach her, and guide her down the path on which desperately desired to be. There was no question in her mind as to where she belonged and what her path was. Destiny had outstretched its hands and brought them together for reasons. Reasons she couldn't comprehend. But she was not going to let that slip through her fingers. His presence made her feel "home". She firmly believed that this was a homecoming and that everything about him was somehow familiar. There was no explanation for the knowing. To her it was as if she found someone who had been gone for a long time. That same feeling of relief she had felt when she had found her child after it had wandered off in a mall. But they had never met in real life before. Not in this lifetime, but perhaps another.