I sigh and growl at the low fuel indicator in my rental car trying to intimidate the thing into stopping it's incessant winking at me. Eventually however the pointlessness of trying to threaten a lifeless object convinces me to take the off ramp into some town that advertised with being the proud owner of a gas station. I had hoped to be able to continue my journey to the hotel known locally as "The hairy goat inn". This watering hole was close, probably only in the next town over, less than ten miles. And there I would spend the night before continuing my journey the next morning.
However all such hope has now faded in about the same way the last vapors of my fuel are, as I speak, fading in my tank. Failure to stop and refuel, could very well confront me with the harsh reality that there are only so many miles to a gallon and, surprising no one, mere yards to an empty tank.
Unwilling to stop but even more unwilling to become the acquaintance to a man named Jimbo, who would no doubt be driving a banged up tow truck and spitting tobacco, I sigh and activate my indicator lights and then turn into the gas station which appears to be the highlight of Nowheresville, Pleaseletmeout, Lizardbreath or what ever is the name of this hellhole.
I sigh, and remind myself of Janet. Tomorrow I will finally meet her. The girl of my dreams. And hopefully the mother to my children. I found her online a mere three months ago, she's a friend of a friend and her photo instantly made me ask our mutual friend about her relationship status. Lucky for me she'd experienced a bad breakup earlier in the year but was open to meeting me.
From then on we chatted online, and boy I tell you, we really hit it off. We even like the same tings. Like Christmas evenings with a blanket, stamp collecting, a movie on Saturday night. Or, my favorite: looking up house decorating tips on pinterest!
And lucky me! She is very pretty, a petite blonde. I should have gone to see her earlier, but you know how it is... work.. daily chores. One thing and the other always getting in the way.
Anyway here I am pulling into the gas station. I step out of my car, pick up the nozzle to the pump and start filling my tank with some farm fresh country fuel. At least the fuel is cheap I think while looking at the dials. Then I look around curious after my environment. You might call it a morbid fascination. There are only two pumps, regular and diesel. There is a kiosk where I see an elderly man standing behind a counter in a small shop stocked with the usual goods.
Standing next to the kiosk I spot a group of locals. Maybe five or six guys, each wearing woodcutter shirts nondescript green pants and sunglasses.
I notice that they are in fact looking at me, with the same enthusiasm that a group of feral cats study a tiny Yorkshire Terrier walking into their territory before lifting it's leg at their favorite catnip bush.
I respond in the only manner appropriate here. I look away and begin to whistle.
Fortunately my tank is now almost full. So I replace the nozzle back in the machine. And commence a brisk stroll towards the kiosk. Brisk enough to get me out of there quickly, yet not so brisk as to convey to the casual onlooker my elevated state of unease.
On my way there against my better judgment I have another quick look at the group of feral strays standing at the edge of the kiosk. Apparently they have not moved. Or well, most of them. One of them, stepped towards me all be it at most three steps and a detail I missed earlier is now abundantly clear to me: she is a woman.
Her blonde dreadlocks are tied back behind her head. Her outfit is no different from the other guys. And I use the phrasing "other guys" with a great sense of purpose here. This guy, I mean girl, is wearing jeans and a woodcutters shirt. However, in spite of these male clothes for some reason her appearance is immensely sexual to me, to put it bluntly, it hits me like a large man would hit me with a tiny sardine... wrapped around a large copper mallet.
She is staring at me in what seems to be rapt attention.
I swallow hard and almost trip over my own feet. I stop walking for a moment. I don't know why. I just have to look at her again. When our gazes meet she's still staring at me, a wild feral unapologetic stare. My heart is beating madly like a gnome with a jack hammer and as would probably happen to the gnome it seems to be bouncing around my chest cavity.
My pants are getting tighter. I look down shocked, a boner? For real? Then I look back up at the woman shock and surprise probably apparent on my face.
And she's grinning at me. Looking me up and down approvingly lingering around the spot in my pants where my dick is straining against the fabric.
My first instinct is to run back towards my rental and just high tail it out of there. However higher sensibilities prevail. I decide that being on the run from the local sheriff might not be the best way to introduce myself to Janet.
So I quick march, mind you: I am not running!, towards the entrance to the kiosk and push hard against the door.
Only when it closes behind me I sigh in relief and approach the cashier grabbing a sandwich and a bottle of water on my way there.
"Howdy feller." The elderly man behind the counter proclaims. His smile is kind but practiced. The man fingers his computer for a bit and then charges me for the fuel and food. "Where are you heading son?" He adds.
Still flabbergasted from the experience outside I look at him suspiciously. Finally deciding that he's not a part of the earlier proceedings but at the same time having no intention to tell him my life's story I say "The hairy goat, they've got a room for me there."
"Ah" the man nods. "Be sure to try their chicken. It's very good I hear."
My mind still a bit befuddled, I wonder about exactly what that chicken is so good at. I thank the man and step back outside.
Only to see another man wearing another woodcutter shirt having popped the hood to my rental, and leaning over the engine block.
"Hey!" I shout, momentarily forgetting my discomfort in the flames of anger that flare up around me. And I begin running towards the man.
He turns around for a moment and as he sees me coming he sprints away from the car.
I stop my run in front of my car. Look after the man, then at the car. I study the engine block. But I'm no mechanic so I see nothing out of the ordinary. No loose cables, no broken valves. It all looks as I suppose it should.
Then again... What do I know right?
A husky female voice behind me says "Don't worry that's just Vince. He's mad... But he only repairs cars. He doesn't ever damage them."
I spin on my heels doing a very neat 180. And there is the dread-locked woman standing less than 6 feet away from me. Her arms are crossed under her chest underlining what is already an impressive bosom.
Like earlier she lets her eyes wander all over me once more. And I kind of feel like I know what a curry feels like when it's being eyed by an overly inebriated pub denizen at 4 am in the morning.
Her scent fills my nostrils and invades not only my lungs, but my brain as well. To make matters worse it doesn't just stay there. And bloody hell my pants are growing tight again. Again she's all I can see, and again I try to compose my thoughts.
I want to say something angry yet witty, that expresses my disdain for this place, these people and to her as a person, right down to the appropriate decimal. But I can't think of anything. I'm sure something will come up 10 minutes after I leave this situation though, I'll email it.
She looks down at my growing bulge. "Happy to see me huh? Well hon it's mutual. Why don't you and I go someplace and seal the deal?"
My eyes widen in shock, and my cheeks suddenly feel like they're on fire. For a moment I doubt if she has really just said this to me? Then I turn around and leap into my car.
I'm scolding myself whilst trying to get the key into the ignition. And after fumbling for far too long I finally kick the rental into gear and with squealing tires leave the gas station. Looking in my rear view mirror I see the woman doubled over apparently laughing madly.
Back on the road I yell at myself "What the fuck Bratt, she's not even pretty!"
Okay, granted the amazing hips, sexy bust, clear eyes. And that scent that just makes me want to tear her clothes off! But she's not societies standard of beauty. Shorter than my Janet, her broad shoulders make her look strong enough to lift me... whilst I'm sitting on a horse, I'd sooner expect a broad axe on those shoulders than a pageant crown on that head.
Angry, frustrated and feeling like my body just betrayed me I drive out of town continuing on my route to the hairy goat. What the hell was that about? I'm on my way to meet my girlfriend for crying out loud. I shouldn't go fawning over strange women. Certainly not hicks like this one! She wouldn't recognize civilized if it built a system of roads and aqueducts on her ass.
Ass, glorious ass. Amazing ass. Best ass I'd ever laid eyes on. Dammit, No Bratt! What's wrong with you!
And what was the deal with all the woodcutter shirts anyway right. All of that woodcutter theme just made me make like a tree and leaf. It's all just a bit ex-tree-me. Next time I'm sure to take another root.
Okay okay!! I'll leaf the tree nonsense behind now. You don't have to bark...
Musing thusly and frustrated in said manner I drive out of the town into the forest. Hopefully once and for all leaving the madness behind me. I feel my spirits raise already and sit back relaxing behind the wheel. I'll just take the highway on my return journey. Hopefully by then Janet willing I would have blown off some of that sexual energy. And not be as affected by some random hick chick in some random town.
And as these things tend to go... as soon as I allow myself to relax. My engine begins losing power. I have the feeling that suddenly my gas pedal stops working. And no matter what I do the car rolls on slower and slower. The ignition works but my pumping the gas pedal is just an exercise in pointlessness. Eventually and inevitably the machine slows to a crawl and I use my final bit of speed to drive the rental of the road unto the forest floor.
It would seem Mad Vince who only repairs cars had done something to my car after all. I spend the obligatory moment of hitting the steering wheel very hard with both hands and then I get out of the car and pop the hood.
I'm still no mechanic. But against better I judgment I hope that maybe this time some solution that even my mechanically challenged brain could recognize would pop out at me. I really don't want to wait for Jimbo and his truck. Unfortunately there is still nothing obvious that needs to be tied down or loosened up.
I take my phone from my pocket. I'll just have to call Jimbo after all, and ask him to get his flabby ass and rusty truck over here to rescue me from this nonsense. However, I immediately notice that there is no reception here.
Momentarily I wonder whether I should angrily throw my phone on the ground. But decide against it. I might be a temper tantrum tormented alpha male gorilla but I am also not stupid... and on a limited budget.
One thing is certain though... The next time I consider a shortcut through this area. I'd have to kick myself hard, repeatedly and violently. And not with the fluffy bunny slippers, but with the hard and pointy shoes I reserve for special occasions.
With a deep sigh I finally look at my surroundings. As I mentioned before it's a bit of a forest. With trees and shrubbery. And some other plant life too.
Did I mention that apart from not being much of a mechanic I'm not much of a botanist either?
Wrapping my arms around myself against an imaginary cold I look around me. I imagine that there is animal life here too. Probably of the chirpy feathery type and maybe some fluffies. Possibly they even have the big ones that grow trees on their heads, but other than that probably nothing.
Still I can't shake the feeling that there is a pack of ivory fanged bloody saliva dripping dire wolves staring at me.
And then on the road behind me is the sound of an engine.