I hate to fly. I mean really, really hate to fly. Hated it even before 9/11. The terrorism thing doesnât bother me. Itâs the fact that up here far higher than man was ever meant to be, and that nagging feeling that we are pushing our luck by being here. Being in a window seat makes things even worse, although I love the extra room. Looking out the window and seeing how high I am makes me crazy. And then there is the inevitable turbulence. I try to trick myself, thinking of it as potholes in the sky. Doesnât work.
All of this makes the fact that Iâm on an airplane headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana even the more incredible.
We had been chatting on line for a while. I enjoy chatting on the internet when bored and not getting any. I was on an adult chat site one night when we struck up a conversation. He would get my body so excited. Internet chat turned into phone calls. I was so nervous the first time we spoke. Six months later, I was on a plane to meet him in person for the first time.
Would I recognize him at the airport? Photos are so deceiving. Would he recognize me? Would he be disappointed? Ever since I knew I was coming out here I have been on a strict diet and exercising like crazy. But I still feel like a fat cow. I should have gotten a haircut. At least I got a manicure.
The plane takes off neatly into the June afternoon sky. Heading west into the sun. Takeoffs and landings are the most dangerous time of the flight. God I hate flying.
***
We land without incident, and enter the slowest form of time known to man. The time between touchdown and actually leaving the plane. We taxi to the gate and come to a full and complete stop. Everyone immediately stands in the mad dash to hurry up and wait. I sit. Luggage bins popping open, bags flying, bashing tall men in the head. I sit. People standing around in the aisle, waiting for the plane door to open, leaning on the backs of seats and switching on cell phones. I sit, grateful for the wait. So unsure and fearful.
I look like your average 34-year old business woman returning home after a trip in my black slacks, lavender blouse, and 2-inch sensible-yet-funky heels. Coming home on a Friday night after meeting with new clients, perhaps home to my husband, two kids and perennially-missing hamster.
I try to psyche myself up, putting a positive spin on things and a smile on my face. I might throw up.
I step into the brightly lit cave of the airport, taking my bearings. The crowd of people meeting my flight has thinned out in my delay - there are only a few people left.
And there you are. I canât possibly not recognize you. You are such an engineer, in your khakis and blue shirt. Must have come from the office. Standing to the side, scanning the passengers deplaningâŠâŠâŠ..and you see me. And smile.
I am frozen. I know I look like a deer in the headlights, but I canât help it. I am so scared. You are smiling at me and I am still scared. Canât I run? Get back on the plane? I am rooted into the floor.
You come towards me, the smile disappearing from your face in concern. You take my hand without speaking and lead me away from the crowd to an empty corner of the large room.
You turn to me, still holding my hand. âHi, Samanthaâ, you say, smiling. âYou ok?â
I step forward into you, leaning my head on your chest, snaking my hands around your waist. Holding on and feeling you for the first time. You wrap your arms around me, holding me close. We stand there hugging in an empty corner of the terminal, not speaking.
I pull away from you finally, my hands lightly around your waist.
âI really hate flying,â I say, looking into your eyes.
âItâs ok, Sam. Youâre here now.â
âI AM here, arenât I? I need to warn you right now that Iâm really, really nervous and canât be held accountable for anything I may say or do in the next couple of hours.â
âThatâs all right. Do you have luggage?â you ask.
Luggage. Reality. I can deal with luggage. âHopefully, if they havenât lost itâ I joke.
You laugh softly.
âDonât laugh, Dave â Iâve had it happenâ I say. âAnd I should warn you also that I over-packed.â
âIs there anything else you want to warn me about before we go?â you ask playfully.
âNo, but Iâll let you know as I think of things.â
âFair enough.â
We set out to the luggage carousel, my big bag reclining unhappily on the belt. I point it out and you pull it off, not even commenting on how heavy it is.
âDid you eat dinner?â you ask.
âNo, and Iâm starving. I think Iâd feel much better if I ate something.â
We make our way out of the airport and to your car, you leading the way and carrying my bag for me. Very gallant. A point in your favor. We arrive at your SUV (gas-hog, you!) and you put my suitcase in the back and slam the back with a bang. I turn to go to the passenger side, and you catch my hand, pulling me back.
âSamâ you say softly, looking into my eyesâŠ.âCome here.â
I come to you as you pull me into you and my arms wrap around your waist again. Here in the relative privacy of the dark parking lot we hold each other, my hands flat against your back. You hold me close, stroking my hair.
âSam, I know youâre scared, arenât you?â I nod my head against your solid chestâŠ.âYou have to know that I would never hurt you Sam. Iâm so glad youâre here. Youâre so beautiful, so much prettier than your picture. And I canât wait to start our visit together.â
How did you know? How did you know the perfect thing to say to me while you wrapped me in your arms? I smile into your chest, feeling reassured and safe. What is it about being in a manâs arms that makes us feel so safe and warm? I burrow further in to your arms, feeling the buttons of your shirt on my face. We just stand there, feeling each other.
Until my stomach growls. Makes sense. I havenât eaten much in the last month or so. I giggle and look up at you. âIâm starving!â I gaspâŠ.âTake me somewhere and feed me.â
âYou got it, girlieâ you say, laughing.
You open my car door for me and I climb inside. You get in and we speed away, leaving the awkwardness of the airport behind us.
We go to a quiet little Italian restaurant and share a bottle of chianti. Making small talk, keeping things light. Chatting about my flight, my hatred of air travel, our jobs. This is so weird. Having a normal conversation with you here in person. Sitting across from me. Not whispering in my ear on the phone, but sitting right across from me.
I start to get tired, the result of the wine, spent adrenaline from the flight and general Friday night fatigue from a full week at work trying to tie up loose ends before my vacation.
You pay the check (thank you) and we leave, climbing back into the SUV. You take me to my hotel, checking me in and telling me to get a good nightâs sleep. We make plans to go biking in the morning. And you leave me to my room.
I walk into the room you reserved for me, and am surprised to find it a suite. A little kitchenette and living room, and a separate bedroom. I unpack quickly, settling in for my stay. I am so tired, but know that unpacking properly will serve me well in the morning. I set my travel alarm clock, tuck myself into the queen size bed and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
***
The next morning, you pick me up at the appointed time, and we go rent a bike for me for the day at a little shop. And we are off to a rail trail. We ride along at an easy pace, enjoying the scenery and each otherâs company. We ride for about an hour and a half, leaving behind weekend strollers and families with kid.
The sun is high as we pull off where the trail meets a stream. Sitting on boulders at the waterâs edge as we nibble on fruit, cheese, and bread that you packed in your backpack. I take off my sneakers and socks and dip my feet, spreading my toes to the still cold water. The stream appears to be flowing north, and I know that the water flowing past my feet will wind up in one of the Great Lakes someday. Will these little molecules of H2O flow over the rocks of Niagara Falls days or weeks from now? What will happen as the water flows through the landscape and eventually to the Atlantic?
We sun ourselves at waterâs edge, chatting lazily. Still feeling each other out for the nuances in our personalities. The things that canât been seen over the cold phone lines. How you absentmindedly rub your chin when thinking. My obsession with chapstick.
I havenât felt you overtly testing me, but I know youâre doing it. All I can think about are your hands. I glance at your thick fingers, wondering what they will feel like on me. I love menâs hands â the strength in them. What they will do to me before I go home?
We finish our simple lunch and I clean up the remnants, stuffing the trash in your knapsack. As we get up to jump off the boulders, you leap off first, and hold your hand out for me to take as I follow. I grasp your hand and leap off, landing on the soft ground beside the stream. I start to go towards our bikes and you pull my hand, not letting go. You take my head in your hands, raising my face to you.
âSamâŠ..â you whisper, barely audible above the gurgling of the stream. Cradling my face, you lean down and kiss me, testing my soft lips. Kissing me gently, brushing my lips, teasing me. You open my mouth, daring to push in your tongue. I melt into you, wrapping my arms around you as you kiss me. I return it with urgency, wrestling with your tongue as I let out a little moan from the back of my throat and our kiss grows stronger and stronger.
You release me finally, and I stagger back a step.
âOh my God,â I whisper. I can feel every single drop of blood I have coursing through my body.