Amanda Layton-Ward sat and sobbed silently in front of her computer screen. Tears trailed down her ashen cheeks, her big heart breaking at the thought that another Valentine's Day had slipped by without a single word from anyone.
Moments earlier, she had opened up her email section and being the eternal optimist, she had sat hesitantly in front of the computer screen waiting, whilst pressing the send, receive button. She had closed her eyes, whispered her hearts desire and then as her breath died somewhere in between her lungs and her mouth, she waited to hear the notifier, which always sounded whenever she received mail. The chime of the animated bell finally sounded and she slowly opened her tightly closed eyes almost daring herself to look at the monitor. Amanda's head then dropped to her chest and as she looked at the floor, she sighed sadly.
She had received six messages but none of them had brought forth the validation she so desperately needed. All six messages were spam: ironically, three of them were sales pitches for Viagra.
Normally she would not have conceded to such foolishness as prior to actually finding the few male contacts she had met on the internet, she knew without a doubt that she would have a snowflakes chance in hell of receiving one. She dared to hope that this time it would be different, but reality had hit home with undeniable accuracy. She was not special... not to anyone. Not even to the men who knew her best.
The hurt inside Amanda was palpable and whilst her emotions took over unleashing a torrent of still unshed tears, her body tried to numb the painful symptoms associated with a broken heart.
It is incorrect to say that Amanda had never felt so undesirable. Amanda had felt the painful scourge of abandonment, loneliness, and rejection all her life. She had always coveted the prospect of being special to males in general but to date she had always missed that unseen mark of acceptability. Men had never been able to see the woman she was for the excess weight that she carried.
This year however, she really believed that it would be different, because the men with whom she played sexually online would now know just how special she really was.
Devastation settled over her like a wet blanket, heavy and uncomfortable. Now, once again, she felt truly abandoned and rejected by the male population, as even those who had spent the most time with her did not think her worthy of their displays of affection on this special day. A message from anyone of them could have eased the ache inside of her and taken her to unknown heights of sheer joy.
Amanda sighed deeply as she turned her computer off.
She did not want to indulge in conversation with any of them tonight.
Instead, she turned off the light, lay down on her bed, tucking her knees up close to her body.
She wiped the wetness from her stinging eyes and closed them again biding sleep to come find her and carry her away. Mercifully, it did.
The next morning, still with a heavy heart and the feeling of gut wrenching sadness within her, she arose from the right side of the double bed.
She looked at the clock on the dresser and exclaimed, "Damn! It is seven a.m. I'm going to be late for work again."
She threw on her nurse's uniform, quickly brushed her long blonde hair, and then wrapped it in a tight bun on the back of her head. She then grabbed her bag and dashed down the hallway towards the front door.
Damn she hated it when she was running late for work and even more so, when she missed the six fifty-five A.M. bus as the next bus along was always crowded with schoolchildren. The bus ride to work was uneventful. Amanda found a place to sit eight rows back on the right side of the bus behind a pair of amorous teenagers who were cuddling and canoodling.
"Oh, great," she growled to herself, "now I have to watch Romeo and Juliet pecking at one another."
She turned her head to look out the window, trying to ignore them.
It did not work. Amanda shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes instinctively narrowing as she watched the scene played out before her.
She eyed the young, black-haired teen who, in her eyes, was receiving far more than her fair share of amorous attention from the young man and jealousy pierced her heart. She swore under her breath and wished them both to hell. She was bitter and angry and ... hurt. She wanted to lean forward and say, "There is a time and place for that, and it is not on a crowded surfside bus." Instead, she turned away: angry and bitter and hating the world.
She sought relief from her pain by immersing herself in her daily routine. There were beds to make, showers to do and of course, the mountain of in-patient documentation that was necessary these days thanks to the new and improved Government guidelines.
Eight hours flew by.
That evening, lonely and bored, Amanda turned on her computer, intent on surfing the net.
She had developed a special affection for reading the erotic stories on a particular site and loved to read and post in the different topical threads on offer there. It made her feel like she belonged somewhere: a feeling she desperately needed to experience and believe.
She also loved chatting with men anonymously online and used the aid of various dating sites, as the men did not know anything about her and she could be anyone she chose to be. This way, she also had a world of men to choose from- men from every country on earth. She would make herself believe that despite her excess weight, she was an attractive, sexy woman and in turn, make them believe she was something they wanted to possess: utterly desirable and could be all theirs... a goal, not too far from her heart.
Amanda, at thirty-six years of age, was still facially very photogenic and her profile pictures, although always flattering were carefully selected so that she revealed herself only from the neck up. That way, the viewer could only see what Amanda herself believed were her best assets. She believed men would overlook her and choose someone more desirable were they to see her full figured form in all its glory.
Despite her negative and extremely damaging preconceptions about her looks, Amanda's assets were the stuff some men dreamed of: large natural breasts with extremely sensitive nipples, soft skin which when caressed, caused immediate arousal making her lips in both areas swell and blush in unison and her grey-blue eyes darken in depthless passion. Amanda was a highly sensual creature. She was a walking erroneous zone: a woman, who could be irrevocably stimulated to full arousal by the slightest touch.
In many ways, Amanda was a complex creature: possessing an intoxicating concoction of both innocence and fuckabilty to her, sassy and provocative one-minute, and willing to do anything to please a man the next.
