Significant Others
"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."
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- Mark Twain
*****
1
It was another night, with another one of Catherine's perfectly prepared dinners on a finely set table; candle lit, the red wine poured: when Frank was offered another opportunity to have a civilized conversation with her. Cat still believed that the guy she'd met a year ago was still somewhere inside there: the guy that was easy going, smart and had nice things to say and did nice things too, just for the sake of doing them.
They ate their Friday night dinner in silence, just as they'd had the night before and the night before that. Frank made short, quick work of his stuffed pork chop and roasted potatoes, eating the way he fucked, while Catherine shot hopeful, furtive glances in his direction, slowly cutting slices of her meat, carving her boneless chop into the shape of a diamond. Whoever he's turned into might hate me, but he sure doesn't hate my food.
Frank popped another chunk of meat into his mouth, and sighed wearily as he chewed. Catherine watched him looking over her shoulder into the living room. And there he goes, she thought, even if there was a remote to turn me on, he still wouldn't be as interested. Is this who you really are Frank? What about me? Who am I with you? Where did the me I liked go?
Catherine knew her authentic self was hidden somewhere between her good cooking, her work as a secretary in a dental office and the growing distance she felt in the small apartment she'd rented. Cat couldn't express herself freely. She felt lost in her own home. Frank's more regular anger and hostility had gagged her; woven a sprawling web of tension, the threads of which he'd drop long enough at night to coax her into sex, only to pick them back up in the morning.
Yes, work was hard, every day, day in and day out. Yes, people could suck, suck really bad sometimes, but why did she have to be the one who suffered for it?
Was Frank really that superior to Catherine? Did he really deserve the latitude it took to criticize or demean Catherine the way he did? He came from being a friend, just as Hannah was, had been, a friend. What had Frank exploited in Catherine that Hannah never had? Hannah never played the superiority card or mocked her in public. Oh you're so needy Cat, he'd say. But, when he wanted his dick sucked, he'd do some house hold chore or tell her he loved her. Then, when he got what he wanted, he'd start avoiding her all over again.
Frank left his seat, flicked on the TV, and then returned with the remote.
"Are we still on for your sister's tomorrow?" Cat asked, breaking the silence as she reached for another slice of bread.
"What?" answered Frank, looking at Catherine as if she'd suddenly appeared before his eyes, "Uh, no. I actually have to be on a job site tomorrow. Boss says we have to use what good weather we get to get those foundations in Montbury poured."
It was just as well. Frank had absolutely nothing in common with his brother -in-law and Catherine was relieved that she didn't have to stomach Marina's not so subtle digs and slights. God, where had they come from? Neither Frank or Marina's mom and dad were like that, at least not when they were all together anyway; though Mrs. Pompano definitely seemed like she had a mean streak she could pierce her husband with when no one was looking.
"Ease up on the bread Cat, would ya'?" Frank requested between bites of potato.
Frank hadn't even looked at her as he made the remark. Cat stopped mid chew. The liquid churning in her gut suddenly seemed loud enough for them both to hear while the acid of his words bubbled their toxicity, leaving yet another corrosive mark on her already disintegrating self respect. Frank was like Hannah that way: we should only be talking about me; we should only be doing what I want to do; you should only be telling me what I want to hear.
Catherine wondered When exactly she'd given up trying to exert some level of influence on the prick. When did I stop trying to express my needs and wants? When he stopped believing they were important, was her answer. Retreating from the world became important to Frank. Refueling with food or relaxing through sex he'd coerce Catherine to have with him had become the top priorities. And now the weight gain; slowly but surely mounting. It wasn't that Catherine suddenly stopped looking good. She wasn't ignorant to the fact that she was still being noticed by other guys. But, the extra fat looked its worst when she was undressed, and all Frank seemed to notice were the few more pounds and all the other things that set him off.
Casually, Catherine placed her fork by the side of her dish, and then took her glass of wine. She drank three good gulps before setting the glass back down. Frank continued to watch TV as he stuffed a chunk of bread and a wedge of potato into his mouth. This has to be my fault, she thought. No other man, her ex-husband or the two other men that followed, didn't stay around long enough to become like Frank. I found him. I found Hannah. They didn't find me. Hannah- Another layer of regret, sickening her, washed over the radiation of Frank's remark. Hannah and Cat worked at least. She might not have ever said that she appreciated Catherine through words, but Cat couldn't count the sheer number of times Hannah had expressed it with her eyes or through the gesture of a small gift or favor.